When my mind gets racing, it feels like I will never get it to slow down, when that happens I instantly start picking at my face, or skin, or I eat ice or I bounce my foot. I'm not sure it really helps, and many times I am not happy about the outcome cause it shows up as self-loathing or insecurity, and then I have sores that have to heal. It is a cycle, of self hurting that is hard to break. Sometimes when I am more present in my body, I can start to feel the tension rise up, and choose to not go into the cycle by getting up, moving around, breathing and letting myself physically relax. By the time I sit back down, the cycle is interrupted at least for a little while.
I have a highly distractable yet creative mind, ADD if you want to name it something, and I do take medication for it daily, however it is not just enough to take my meds, I also need to do some behavioral things that help me work better and focus on what I need to get done. Many times I am almost driven to distract myself by doing something repetitive like play Solitaire on my phone. It almost resets my mind and I actually do some real good thinking while I am playing the game. But I also hide it from people, cause it feels like I would get ridiculed for it.
I just started a new job and it has been so very challenging cause alot of the operational tasks are not set up- its a fairly new company and we just recently moved into a new office. I find myself getting extra frustrated cause I did get hired on for what I can do, and I am quite confident I can get there, but I also am kinda scared, cause I know I sometimes take more time to fully grasp things and to learn how to make things work efficiently. I feel nervous about that, not wanting to fail, or to not live up to the standard that I promised when I was hired. It is the little voice inside myself that says: "oh you are screwed Lori, you are never going to get this figured out, and you are just proving that your a fraud!" I really don't like that voice. I like the voice that is much nicer and supportive, that says: "You will get this, no problem, just give yourself some time, it will be a set routine before you know it!"
I am also writing this particular post, because on my way home, I had all these things I was so excited to blog about, and when I sat down at the computer after dinner, my mind was completely disorganized and I couldn't pinpoint exactly what I wanted to say! Yet all the brilliant posts were all there, just hours before! How incredibly frustrating.
I am feeling a bit of heartburn tonight too... I'm thinking that the chocolate pie I had is not setting well with the egg salad sandwich I had before that. I am so not a fan of heartburn, cause now I get to stay up longer, and when I finally go to bed, it will be propped up into an almost sitting position to keep that acid from coming up. Not my favorite at all. And even crazier than that... is that the rest of my piece of chocolate pie is sitting here to my right, just literally calling my name, its almost like it is attempting to will the heartburn to happen, its saying... "oh come on, just eat it, its soooo good, its not going to hurt you, that's why you take your heartburn meds.. so you can eat it!" ( I am imagining both my hands tightly over my ears right now!)
I guess I share all these things, cause it is really what has gone on today, and sometimes parts of our day are really not that exciting or inspiring, and yet we have to keep on living our life. In fact if I would have to put a % on it, I would say a good 75% of what goes on in my life is far from blog worthy. I'm sure there are many people whose life is a lot more exciting than mine, oh well, I just want to say, thanks for reading and checkin in, I won't promise you tomorrow will be anymore exciting, and I am not going to say it wont be.... after all that is the nature of life, and the way my mind works.... its always an adventure!
No comments:
Post a Comment