The last few weeks my phone has gone from bad to worse, shutting off right in the middle of my Words with Friends games and Facebook browsing, to say the least it has been extremely inconvenient. My phone has become an integral part of my routine; I wake up to my phone, I get ready for the day with my tunes playing from my phone, I turn on my brain by playing WWF; and at times, zone out while playing solitaire. Of course the obvious use of receiving important phone calls from clients and family and friends is equally if not more important. Its vital that it work properly! I think you all can relate to this. We expect our gadgets to work, and when they don't work, we notice. I know in the next couple days, I will be taking a trip to the phone store to get a new one, and I'm not really thrilled about the cost, but at least I purchased the insurance on it and will pay much less than I originally did. When our TV doesn't work, we know what to do. When our computer doesn't work, we call tech support or get a new one. If our AC stops working, we call the repair guy to fix it.
Why is it that we expect everything to work; our computers, our lawnmowers, weed eaters, televisions 100% but we neglect the very device that we cannot replace? I'm talking about our bodies. How is it that we are completely tuned out of our bodies and fail to notice when its just not as quick as it used to be or a little sluggish on the boot up? I began my journey of coming back to my body a little over a year ago; taking notice when I wasn't feeling good, and letting my mind wonder about what it could mean. What I have noticed is that any time my body feels anything, it gives a message to me, and the reason for the message is that I need to pay attention and do something about it. Its really a simple concept and yet I find myself ignoring the messages and being irritated at times that my body isn't working at top efficiency. In the past, I have found it much more convenient to ignore my body altogether until something happens that really makes me pay attention. Of course when we cannot get out of bed or our back goes out and me cant move we are forced to be still for a minute and are given the opportunity to look inward and fix whatever is causing the problem. However many times we don't really use that time constructively by really getting to the bottom of the problem, we take some pills and put a band aid on it and carry on with our lives the best be can. After all we have bills to pay, deadlines to meet and kids to take care of.
So I propose that there's a possibility that we can do it differently. I'm thinking of three basic steps that anyone can do to become more present in their body, and see what happens.
Step 1. Breathe deeply - take the opportunity to fill your lungs up with air, in through your nose and out through your nose. Really take the air in, let your belly expand (yes make it look big, its OK, really it is). Close your eyes and relax.
Step 2. Check In - As you are in this relaxed state, notice what is going on inside your body, is there any pain? discomfort? are you hungry? Scan all the way down through your body from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes and just notice what is there.
Step 3. Wonder - Open your mind up to wonder about what you feel in your body. Ask yourself the question; "I wonder what that could be about?" Be open to listening to the messages your body is sending you through all its wonderful senses. Allow whatever comes into your mind at this time to be present with you; without discounting or shrugging the thought away.
Doing these three things will take you less than 5 minutes and yet the benefits you will find are amazing! I love the way this instantly helps me relax my shoulders and lets the tension leave my body. Its like a power nap without having to move from where you are. This is also a great reminder to help us remember to breathe, I bet you don't notice how often you are shallow breathing as opposed to deep breathing, which is really very ineffective considering we need oxygen to survive. So breathe deep! Shallow breath is a reflection of our body being in a state of stress and can actually cause greater anxiety. I would suggest doing this exercise 3 times a day just for 5 minutes and see how much better you feel!
We exist on this earth and experience everything life has to offer in our bodies, they are amazing miracles from God! Lets give this amazing creation some time and energy and not be afraid to inquire inside of us for what we really need, you might just surprise yourself at what can happen in that moment. Breathe and let breathe, its my new motto!
Happy Wednesday everyone!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
What if...
What if?
Do you ever ask yourself that question?
What if I no longer believed I was inferior?
What if I really am as amazing as I tell myself I am; and as amazing as other people tell me I am?
What if my body is perfect, just the way it is?
What if I could heal my body, just because I want it to be healed?
What if I get to be rich?
What if life gets to be easy? Better yet, what if life is SUPPOSED to be easy?
What if I get to have anything I desire to have? No conditions, no take backs, no games.
What would change in what you do, what you say to people, how you go about your day if your "ifs" were not wistful wishes but actual tangible truths?
What if the only thing holding us back is ourselves? Do your arms ache? A superb life coach I know; Megan Sillito who just happens to be a great friend and my sisters life partner, told me to pay attention when my arms ache because it is actually happening because I am holding myself back, figuratively and symbolically. At the time I couldn't understand why I would do such a thing, it did not make sense to me. Recently I have decided to delve a little deeper, to explore the realms of my mind and heart and become present to what belief systems I am holding myself to. This is what I have realized as to why I hold back, and the time frame of when I think these belief systems showed up.
#1. I hold back, because I'm afraid to show up big, I'm afraid that someone else will show me that I'm really not a good big person. Big people scare me, they are mean and they do not respect the little people in this world. Big people are selfish, and only care about themselves. Big people hurt other people in order to stay Big. I'm pretty sure this one comes from early childhood fears.
#2. I believe that my family of origin expect me to play small; meaning they expect me to be what they think I should be, or rather they expect me to play the role that I have played my whole life. This is the story I carry in my head about that role: I am expected to be a caring, loving, slightly neurotic person. A person who is slightly sex crazed, misguided and unable to succeed without a man. I'm afraid that if I became more than these things, my family would not accept me, and as a result of my different lifestyle and attitudes, I would cease to have anything in common with my family. I would no longer relate to them and would not have anything to connect myself emotionally with them, and this would make me sad. Part of me wishes that upon reading this, my family would tell me that this is not true, that they do not believe this way about me, but I know that's just silliness, its not about what they believe, it never is..... it is enough that I believe it. This one sounds like it comes from my feelings of inadequacy I felt when I was 18, trying hard to figure out how to be a grown up in the world.
#3. For many years I have held on to a belief system about having money, that if you have money you are shallow, emotionally unavailable to your family, and not happy. You are not a good person and not in Gods good graces. This is another BIG reason I hold back. I have seriously screwed up in my past, and I cannot afford to do anything else that would make God look at me with disgrace and shake his head in disbelief. I need to tow the line, in order to keep God from throwing me more tests to keep me in line. Which brings me to part two of this reason: I have believed that living the good life is conditioned upon my being the person God wants me to be. This one is hard to pinpoint, it feels like it spans throughout my life, and also makes me see a whole other set of belief systems I need to delve into that will be labeled: what I believe about God.
#4. FAILURE. I fear failure. In the past I have been so scared to try, because I am sure to fail at whatever it is I try to do. I have big emotions and big beliefs about what failure is. And I do not want to be a failure. What I have believed is that failure is eventually inevitable; its not possible that one can continue to succeed long term. Greatness is possible for a short time but is very difficult to sustain. This one has lots of layers and spans a lot of time. It may have started when I was in the 4th grade and procrastinated a big project until the last minute.
As I type these words, explaining the "stories" I have believed, I want to emphasize the flaws in these belief systems. In fact while I was typing the most amazing thing has happened; my Higher Self, God, My good little Guardian Angel or a combination of all 3 have communicated to me through my self talk and denounced every single lined item on the list and have backed up every denouncement with rational and proven reasons as to why they are not true. The things I have believed in; that have influenced my decisions, and choices for many many years are NOT TRUE! They are based from emotional responses to happenings that caused emotional pain, and can be healed and let go, thank God!
I have just been going along in my little world living up to the smallness and sometimes mediumness; when I'm feeling really brave, but still staying just a bit outside of any possibility of real success. I tell myself all kinds of things, reasons if you will why I am just fine being mediocre. And this brings me to the next reason I hold myself back.
#5. If I forged ahead of everyone else around me like my kids and my husband, I would be alone. I get choked up and a lump forms in my throat when I type this, and I know there is some real emotions stored inside my body as well as stories I tell myself about being alone. It is clear to me that at some time in my life I deducted that excelling was not worth being alone. I'm not sure on this one, unless it has something to do with wanting to be an Olympic gymnast. It was huge dream of mine, but one that would've required a separation from my family.
Believing is so powerful, but believing that wonderful things can happen isn't enough. We have to look deeper into the irrational fears, and thought patterns that keep us immobilized. We have the opportunity to address those things head on and make a choice to do something different. I have realized and noticed that when something shakes me up to the point of throwing me off my grounding, I go back to a less risky way of being. I put aside my new found autonomy and fall back into old behavior patterns that no longer serve me well. Its so easy to do! Last week I was in that place. My last blog entry is chock full of evidence as to where I was emotionally. Its in my writing style, the words I used and the tone that comes out of my words, that I was not my bright and shiny self. There is a story about why I went there, and rather than elaborate on the story of what happened, its just easier to say that we all have our moments, when we allow ourselves to be swept up in an emotional happening. This time it struck a nerve and triggered me to press play on a very familiar track of painful, hurtful negative self talk that used to be a regular part of my life. A part of my life that is in the past, but still has power over me as often as I allow it to. I know now that I have the power to stop the tape from playing out, to stop listening to it because its not the truth. There's a sad familiarity to listening to it though,... like old sad love songs, and sad movies. At times you want to go there and experience the pity party, focus on how horrible your life has been. Soon its not enough to just have the party, we invite others to our party, and in some very demented shallow way, we feel justified, and connected to others in this way. I would venture to say that many people are only capable of having this level of connection. Take the kind of stories you might hear at a bar, tales of sadness detailing who did who wrong. You get the idea. The setting can change, but the story is the same.
My Be-ing place since the occurrence has been emotionally exhausting, all encompassing, both mentally and physically, and in the direct opposite direction from where I have been living my life the last few months. I was tending to my plants one day; and upon taking this particular plant outside to give it some sunshine I accidentally stepped on a large leaf and severed it from the plant. Of course it dried up and turned dark in a matter of minutes after it was removed from its source of life. This is how I have felt, literally plucked from the living waters of my Source. Desperately clinging to any memory of life, while caught up in the desperate heartache of withering away, and flailing desperately to fight my way back to the surface. Its been agonizing!
So once again, I am choosing to Stop. I'm going to acknowledge that I'm nothing without God, I'm nothing without His outpouring of love and spirit and I'm going to be grateful for the life and insight that I have been given. I have the free will to choose to be happy, bright and shiny rather than dark and twisty. I'm turning off the track tape, putting the old tape player in the closet and closing the door behind me. From now on I'll be playing "Do do run run" and Locomotion; on my record player, its time to get moving forward with a smile. I think its time for a party after all, anyone wanna join me?
"he picked me up at seven and he looked so fine,
do do run run run do do run run.
someday soon I'm gonna make him mine,
do do run run run, do do run run "
Do you ever ask yourself that question?
What if I no longer believed I was inferior?
What if I really am as amazing as I tell myself I am; and as amazing as other people tell me I am?
What if my body is perfect, just the way it is?
What if I could heal my body, just because I want it to be healed?
What if I get to be rich?
What if life gets to be easy? Better yet, what if life is SUPPOSED to be easy?
What if I get to have anything I desire to have? No conditions, no take backs, no games.
What would change in what you do, what you say to people, how you go about your day if your "ifs" were not wistful wishes but actual tangible truths?
What if the only thing holding us back is ourselves? Do your arms ache? A superb life coach I know; Megan Sillito who just happens to be a great friend and my sisters life partner, told me to pay attention when my arms ache because it is actually happening because I am holding myself back, figuratively and symbolically. At the time I couldn't understand why I would do such a thing, it did not make sense to me. Recently I have decided to delve a little deeper, to explore the realms of my mind and heart and become present to what belief systems I am holding myself to. This is what I have realized as to why I hold back, and the time frame of when I think these belief systems showed up.
#1. I hold back, because I'm afraid to show up big, I'm afraid that someone else will show me that I'm really not a good big person. Big people scare me, they are mean and they do not respect the little people in this world. Big people are selfish, and only care about themselves. Big people hurt other people in order to stay Big. I'm pretty sure this one comes from early childhood fears.
#2. I believe that my family of origin expect me to play small; meaning they expect me to be what they think I should be, or rather they expect me to play the role that I have played my whole life. This is the story I carry in my head about that role: I am expected to be a caring, loving, slightly neurotic person. A person who is slightly sex crazed, misguided and unable to succeed without a man. I'm afraid that if I became more than these things, my family would not accept me, and as a result of my different lifestyle and attitudes, I would cease to have anything in common with my family. I would no longer relate to them and would not have anything to connect myself emotionally with them, and this would make me sad. Part of me wishes that upon reading this, my family would tell me that this is not true, that they do not believe this way about me, but I know that's just silliness, its not about what they believe, it never is..... it is enough that I believe it. This one sounds like it comes from my feelings of inadequacy I felt when I was 18, trying hard to figure out how to be a grown up in the world.
#3. For many years I have held on to a belief system about having money, that if you have money you are shallow, emotionally unavailable to your family, and not happy. You are not a good person and not in Gods good graces. This is another BIG reason I hold back. I have seriously screwed up in my past, and I cannot afford to do anything else that would make God look at me with disgrace and shake his head in disbelief. I need to tow the line, in order to keep God from throwing me more tests to keep me in line. Which brings me to part two of this reason: I have believed that living the good life is conditioned upon my being the person God wants me to be. This one is hard to pinpoint, it feels like it spans throughout my life, and also makes me see a whole other set of belief systems I need to delve into that will be labeled: what I believe about God.
#4. FAILURE. I fear failure. In the past I have been so scared to try, because I am sure to fail at whatever it is I try to do. I have big emotions and big beliefs about what failure is. And I do not want to be a failure. What I have believed is that failure is eventually inevitable; its not possible that one can continue to succeed long term. Greatness is possible for a short time but is very difficult to sustain. This one has lots of layers and spans a lot of time. It may have started when I was in the 4th grade and procrastinated a big project until the last minute.
As I type these words, explaining the "stories" I have believed, I want to emphasize the flaws in these belief systems. In fact while I was typing the most amazing thing has happened; my Higher Self, God, My good little Guardian Angel or a combination of all 3 have communicated to me through my self talk and denounced every single lined item on the list and have backed up every denouncement with rational and proven reasons as to why they are not true. The things I have believed in; that have influenced my decisions, and choices for many many years are NOT TRUE! They are based from emotional responses to happenings that caused emotional pain, and can be healed and let go, thank God!
I have just been going along in my little world living up to the smallness and sometimes mediumness; when I'm feeling really brave, but still staying just a bit outside of any possibility of real success. I tell myself all kinds of things, reasons if you will why I am just fine being mediocre. And this brings me to the next reason I hold myself back.
#5. If I forged ahead of everyone else around me like my kids and my husband, I would be alone. I get choked up and a lump forms in my throat when I type this, and I know there is some real emotions stored inside my body as well as stories I tell myself about being alone. It is clear to me that at some time in my life I deducted that excelling was not worth being alone. I'm not sure on this one, unless it has something to do with wanting to be an Olympic gymnast. It was huge dream of mine, but one that would've required a separation from my family.
Believing is so powerful, but believing that wonderful things can happen isn't enough. We have to look deeper into the irrational fears, and thought patterns that keep us immobilized. We have the opportunity to address those things head on and make a choice to do something different. I have realized and noticed that when something shakes me up to the point of throwing me off my grounding, I go back to a less risky way of being. I put aside my new found autonomy and fall back into old behavior patterns that no longer serve me well. Its so easy to do! Last week I was in that place. My last blog entry is chock full of evidence as to where I was emotionally. Its in my writing style, the words I used and the tone that comes out of my words, that I was not my bright and shiny self. There is a story about why I went there, and rather than elaborate on the story of what happened, its just easier to say that we all have our moments, when we allow ourselves to be swept up in an emotional happening. This time it struck a nerve and triggered me to press play on a very familiar track of painful, hurtful negative self talk that used to be a regular part of my life. A part of my life that is in the past, but still has power over me as often as I allow it to. I know now that I have the power to stop the tape from playing out, to stop listening to it because its not the truth. There's a sad familiarity to listening to it though,... like old sad love songs, and sad movies. At times you want to go there and experience the pity party, focus on how horrible your life has been. Soon its not enough to just have the party, we invite others to our party, and in some very demented shallow way, we feel justified, and connected to others in this way. I would venture to say that many people are only capable of having this level of connection. Take the kind of stories you might hear at a bar, tales of sadness detailing who did who wrong. You get the idea. The setting can change, but the story is the same.
My Be-ing place since the occurrence has been emotionally exhausting, all encompassing, both mentally and physically, and in the direct opposite direction from where I have been living my life the last few months. I was tending to my plants one day; and upon taking this particular plant outside to give it some sunshine I accidentally stepped on a large leaf and severed it from the plant. Of course it dried up and turned dark in a matter of minutes after it was removed from its source of life. This is how I have felt, literally plucked from the living waters of my Source. Desperately clinging to any memory of life, while caught up in the desperate heartache of withering away, and flailing desperately to fight my way back to the surface. Its been agonizing!
So once again, I am choosing to Stop. I'm going to acknowledge that I'm nothing without God, I'm nothing without His outpouring of love and spirit and I'm going to be grateful for the life and insight that I have been given. I have the free will to choose to be happy, bright and shiny rather than dark and twisty. I'm turning off the track tape, putting the old tape player in the closet and closing the door behind me. From now on I'll be playing "Do do run run" and Locomotion; on my record player, its time to get moving forward with a smile. I think its time for a party after all, anyone wanna join me?
"he picked me up at seven and he looked so fine,
do do run run run do do run run.
someday soon I'm gonna make him mine,
do do run run run, do do run run "
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
words are all I have
Words and actions are all we have. When our words are said in anger it doesn't matter what actions follow, or how many apologies are said, the pain is searing, and wants to purge us to the very soul. We are compelled to question the validity of the intention, and our whole being begs for mercy from the pain and longing for it to stop, supersedes anything else. a few excerpts from my journal that seem fitting for what I am feeling today. A moment of brutal honesty, because it seems appropriate to share, and really; there isn't much more that could be said, that would hurt anymore than what has already been said.
July 8, 2013
I should've known it wouldn't be this easy, that my worst deeds would come back at me; thrown as daggers of hatred. Why now do I expect anything different? I am less than slime, and not worth my apologies. They are just words after all. How easy just to throw words at someone and watch while they shrink back in painful seclusion. Oh yes, it was effective, it did the trick, target is down.
Jan, 2009
New Beginnings
Starting again, finding the strength, pulling yourself up from the dirt
Numbing yourself, laughing it off, pretending that it doesn't hurt
An emotional journey in a slow moving buggy; where jagged rocks and bumps send you tumbling
Life blows on by, and nobody cares that the hole in your soul needs mending
Get out the needle and find the thread, you will have to be a quick study,
Look up on a mountain or down in a valley; look deep inside, but don't look for pity.
You'll find the way to bring it together, your heart is good and your soul divine
just keep striving with passion and purpose and happiness you'll surely find.
Jan 6, 2009
The bread in my hand as the words were spoken, pleading to God; all eyes are down. The texture is rough symbolizing the brokenness, I hold on and feel. "My Lord my God why have you forsaken me?" The image is there in my mind, the torture imprinted on my soul. Oh the pain I have caused! How can He love me? How could He do this for me? Am I really worth it? The cup, smooth and crystal clear, touching the wine to my lips. "Oh God, must I partake of this bitter cup? Or wilt thou allow it to pass? The crimson stained stone left behind, the plight of the Holy still stands. To die is to live; with death brings new life. The cycle is clear, am I ready to die?
You say to ask and it shall be given, but do you ever tire of the questions? I need to have faith and trust you Lord, the two things that are the most difficult for me to do. Is that what you mean by becoming as a little child?
July 8, 2013
I should've known it wouldn't be this easy, that my worst deeds would come back at me; thrown as daggers of hatred. Why now do I expect anything different? I am less than slime, and not worth my apologies. They are just words after all. How easy just to throw words at someone and watch while they shrink back in painful seclusion. Oh yes, it was effective, it did the trick, target is down.
Jan, 2009
New Beginnings
Starting again, finding the strength, pulling yourself up from the dirt
Numbing yourself, laughing it off, pretending that it doesn't hurt
An emotional journey in a slow moving buggy; where jagged rocks and bumps send you tumbling
Life blows on by, and nobody cares that the hole in your soul needs mending
Get out the needle and find the thread, you will have to be a quick study,
Look up on a mountain or down in a valley; look deep inside, but don't look for pity.
You'll find the way to bring it together, your heart is good and your soul divine
just keep striving with passion and purpose and happiness you'll surely find.
Jan 6, 2009
The bread in my hand as the words were spoken, pleading to God; all eyes are down. The texture is rough symbolizing the brokenness, I hold on and feel. "My Lord my God why have you forsaken me?" The image is there in my mind, the torture imprinted on my soul. Oh the pain I have caused! How can He love me? How could He do this for me? Am I really worth it? The cup, smooth and crystal clear, touching the wine to my lips. "Oh God, must I partake of this bitter cup? Or wilt thou allow it to pass? The crimson stained stone left behind, the plight of the Holy still stands. To die is to live; with death brings new life. The cycle is clear, am I ready to die?
You say to ask and it shall be given, but do you ever tire of the questions? I need to have faith and trust you Lord, the two things that are the most difficult for me to do. Is that what you mean by becoming as a little child?
Sometime the struggle that lies directly ahead, hides the fantastic view from above. In these moments; all we can really do is have hope.
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