I have been thinking about my blog for some time now and really feeling the pull to get back to the computer and write write write! I have been otherwise occupied working a "real" job and learning everything there is to know about my new company. Now don't get me wrong by assuming that I am complaining or otherwise dissing on working, because I have learned over the last month that how you do anything is how you do everything and that means I am very much engaged in my transformational process now; as I was when I was just hanging out, working in my shop; aka my carport/driveway where I transform degenerate pieces of furniture into wonderful unique works of art!
With that being said, I have to give a shout out to challenging yourself as well as taking risks within a healthy framework, because without these two things, I would not be standing here, in this particular time continuum that can be described as simply amazing! I am literally looking at myself in the mirror and wondering who this new strong, confident, no nonsense beautiful woman is that is staring back at me?!
And I would of course like to thank my peeps who have backed me, supported me, talked me down from the ledge, or at least from the window looking out at the ledge, who are always in my corner, patting me down, waving the smelling salts under my nose when needed and steering me in the right direction; you know who you are, and as always; I am so grateful for you!
So lets just skip to the best part ... let me just tell you what I've been up to the last month. In less than a months time I went from unemployed to employed, with a job that literally just dropped in my lap, that I was able to acquire by word of mouth only, I succeeded in negotiating all aspects of that job to fit my ideal pretty much right on, from the rate of pay that I wanted as well as the benefits that I was asking for. I have the flexibility I love to have; and I am very much able to do the job as I feel it should be done, AND it has growth opportunity, which is a must. Bonus!
I had the opportunity to flex my new <standing in my space and owning it > muscles right off the bat when I met my boss for the first time; I was on a roll! So you know when you are at the gym and you haven't been for awhile and you overdo it just a little... well that kinda happened, but it was okay! I managed to not only speak my truth, and silly me... I really was not aware that I was screaming my truth; but the 2nd time I really had a conversation with my new boss, that's what happened. I screamed my truth at him.
The details are a bit fuzzy.. but I'm pretty sure I was a bit hyped up, stressed out, emotionally charged and at the end of a very busy week when this occurred. I was so much in my own world (due to the emotionally charged part) that it didn't even occur to me until Monday morning when I was meeting with my boss, that I really overreacted the previous Friday. We had a good come down to earth conversation and I owned all my poorly timed behavior in which he was VERY clear about such things NOT happening again, and we were able to get back to the task at hand; of getting on the same page once again. What a rush! Whew! Thank you God and all my spirit guides for saving my bacon! In a way, it was great to fully feel my position from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head, because more often than not I underact in these types of situations; and then proceed to reenact said situations at home to my husband, or in the car while driving home, or to anyone who cares to listen. And well.. now at least I know that I mean business, No means NO, and yes means YES and all that sort of thing is very clear.. at least for the time being. Its been a long time coming, and it feels great!
So now I'm really on a roll, and I am realizing bit by bit that this is becoming the new and improved ME! What has me really reeling is that this new way of being applies to my entire life, and all my relationships that matter to me. And that is kinda great, and kinda scary at the same time, cause what if this happens.. and what if that happens??? And etc. etc. etc.
Jump to the next encounter,.... I decide to confront my old self about what it really is that I want in my primary relationship, and I look my old self in the eye and demand to hear the truth, cause I know a BS story when I hear one... and the ones I've been telling .. mostly to myself about this relationship.. is BS. And this new self.. well she's not putting up with it! I really put her in her place... now the tough part, letting my husband in on it. Owning it. Standing in it. I did that part, I did good, and then I collapsed in his arms and cried all over him and told him how much I missed him. It was a good moment, and it was Truth to my core, and it felt so good!
Next encounter.. now the really tough one, I realized that I have no control over my husband, or whether he chooses to do anything else at this point except exactly what he wants to do.. and guess what?.. I get to choose exactly what I want to do. The end.. I get to choose it, and whatever I choose is what I get. If I'm mad, then I'm mad. I get to own it, and then I get to choose what I do next.
That really sounds simple right?!
I know I haven't spoken much about my husbands "story" or my idea of his story. And it really only matters if a definition is necessary to continue. But what I realize throughout this encounter is that its just not that important to define it specifically. What I can say is that I decided to try something different. I walked away from him, stating my position clearly and calmly, let him be with himself, and I faced my own fearful energy brewing inside of me. I calmed my breathing and focused on my body; paying attention to each area of tension and fear, and acknowledged that it was there, and in a way.. it was the acceptance of this scariness within me without the demand to quit it, or change it, that eventually allowed me to move through it. It left, the scariness, the uncertainty, the demands to comply, and the self loathing. And what was left over, was just Me, and my loving self. And that loving self, loves people.
What could have been wasn't; because I tried something different. I didn't know I could do it, and now, I know that I have done it... Successfully, once, well maybe twice.. And really ... I believe that's a great start. :)
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