I hide

I hide inside myself with no glimmer of emotion- except pain and sorrow cleverly disguised as anger, hatred and rage.

Pushing the door closed with all my might- as those closest to me devise new ways to prop the door open while I'm not looking. Wanting to keep me suspended in beauty and familiarity rather than see my ugliness.

The ugliness only I know, that threatens me at every turn, to show off its gnarly features, and finally expose my inner and outer beauty; my God spark as a fraud.

This ugliness; eager to step in as the nature of my true self; this deformed creature with shame and vile emotion cleverly disguised as love.

I long to trust- trust that the outside world can look beyond the flaws; believe that they see a beauty that I can't see; and promise not to run at the first site of morbidity.

I'm not a Monster, I'm just a girl.

A girl trapped in her own head, and demented patterns of shameful glances and distorted views. Who's easily distracted and readily categorized by those who know her best.

Its only the strangers who see her for who she is.
Its in strangers where she finds comfort, acceptance and warmth. Safe behind walls of anonymity and carefully crafted persona's. Keeping the girl screaming behind dungeon walls; damp dark and foreboding - her strained and failing voice making a safe reverberation.

Secure in the knowing; that the persistent wailing will only be heard by the body that encapsulates her. 

46 going on 13

Lori and Jeff sittin in a tree..

K I S S I N G

It only took me 2 weeks to figure out what's been going on with me lately. That's pretty good considering.. it only took me 25 years to realize that heavy petting is considered foreplay.  Now it all makes perfect sense! I've been bouncing back and forth from being 13 to 46 and then back to 13. Its been an absolutely crazy mind blowing couple of weeks, but I'm super glad I'm finally getting some clarity.

What I realize now looking back, is I don't think I'm the only one this has happened to. In fact I think if we could all admit that a shy, awkward, self absorbed, hormonal, boy crazy teenage girl lives inside all of us, we would all be much better off. Admitting your an addict is the first step right?? This only counts for girls, by the way... boys, its well understood that they remain 14 for the duration of their lives! But girls... oh no.. we have to grow up, its a requirement!

Its kinda fun to be THAT girl, to tap into that inner self sometimes... it works particularly nice at slumber parties and Sisters retreats and all night game and ice cream socials, cause that's what we used to live for back in the day! In fact I remember how exciting it all was... YES,  because I've been rediscovering  my sweet teen self... for weeks now.. much to the confusion and amusement of my colleagues, husband, and random cute boys that I've run across in my many travels. 

 Oh my... how to even begin to explain.

So when you are a person like me, and your 13 year old self comes back, it usually means something. She needs something.. My inner teenager is desperately longing for healing, for love, for acceptance, for reassurance... and I know, I'm the only one that can give it to her. Because I have chosen to be present to ANYthing that comes up in my life, without  judgment. I have chosen this, because I want to rise to the next level of living, of sharing, of loving,... and God is SO good to show me what I need to do in order to become my very best self.

For months now I have been learning more and more about who I really am. What is a part of my essence or my core, and what is a defense behavior or a result of uncleared emotional trauma. And one thing I know without a doubt is that I am so full of Love for people! My very best self loves everyone! I have finally been able to trust myself fully with this newly acknowledged gift, and I have finally become brave enough  to give of myself and reach out and its been so awesome! Things have been going along just fine.. and then..

Enter situation one: Its while doing this very thing (expressing myself, reaching out, trusting myself)  that I crossed a line, and asked a married man who I met professionally a very personal question that was easily misconstrued as a come on, even though that wasn't my conscious intent.. or I should say, not my grown up intent. Of course my naive little 13 year old self has a different idea and she jumps in and continues the conversation, while my adult self is grasping to understand what the hell is going on.. and what has possessed me to do such an irresponsible thing?!?!  Of course because I keep nothing from my husband, I shared this text message conversation with him; and he is dumbfounded. He too is wondering what the hell has happened to his reasonable 46 year old wife, but he also knows my history, and he is visibly shaken by what I have just told him. I try to explain to my husband what my true intent was, but the whole situation has triggered him and he is past listening to anything, and I didn't  blame him. I was a bit shocked and dumbfounded myself. What ensues is a very intense conversation between us, and then more questions directed inward in an effort to figure it all out.


Enter Situation two: I meet another man, who is single and considerably younger than me. He comes in to my office and is kind of awkward and nervous and inadvertently throws off this vibe.. that I am instantly attracted to. Of course.. its my 13 yr. old.. who is attracted. Remember back in Jr. high when it was kind of cute when the nerdy shy kid had a crush on you? And secretly you were flattered but you would never tell your girlfriends about it? Who wanted to be known as the girl the "nerd" was in love with? It was that kind of a vibe.. and I was secretly flattered... Well that's all fine and good.. until something goes wrong, you have a particularly bad day, and you really need a friend to talk to.. and the nerdy guy is the only available one.. or more accurately the only one you dare talk to.. when you are so upset. Yes.. you guessed it... I called him, and asked him if he would like to be my friend.... and amazingly.. he was available (insert sarcasm)... so we met up for coffee. And of course I explained that I was not interested in anything else but friendship.. and once again... my husband is shaking his head... when I call to tell him all about it,  but is very happy that I am disclosing it all to him, rather than keeping it a secret.

What the CRAP is wrong with me?? Seriously.. I know some of you who are reading this are shaking your head too. In fact, I would venture to say that some of you are really disgusted, and may never read my blog again. Its okay, really I understand. I was one of those people too, believe it or not. I would just ask you to stop and ask yourself the question before you swear me off and delete me as a friend;  Who do I remind you of? Because what you think of me, is none of my business, and your judgment of me has absolutely nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you. The only difference between us might be that I am openly admitting my behavior, in front of the world and God and everyone else, and you might just choose to admit your faults privately, and that's perfectly OK. The fact is, we are all human, we all make mistakes.

To tell you the honest truth, I have had such crazy emotional highs and lows and periods of complete self hatred and self loathing the last few weeks, and its been difficult to comprehend it all myself. My behavior has brought back waves of emotional shame, despair, and hopelessness, and has had me questioning the direction and intention of my new found autonomy. The fact that I'm writing and sharing this with the world is evidence that I'm sincerely seeking answers and coming to the realization that my healing work is just beginning. Once again, I choose to talk openly about these things, and poke some fun at myself, its really quite therapeutic for me. I know, its kind of warped. I have had the emotional upheaval, and tears, and more tears. Thankfully I have some amazing people in my life to lend support, to hug me, listen to me and love me; without judgment; and for that I am truly grateful.

Oh there have been other behaviors I have demonstrated in the last couple weeks as further evidence as to my emotional regression that are thankfully far less risky, but represent my teen self to a tee. Finding the urge to doodle, and buying a new notebook for my doodles. Talking incessantly to my husband about all the gossipy stuff. Saying "like" and "super" a lot! Swearing, especially saying the F word; that's super fun! Eating junk food, staying up late, breaking out, picking my face, fidgeting whenever I'm next to a cute boy and finding amusement when someone on the freeway "checks me out". All very Jr high ish for sure.

Needless to say, I have had some cleaning up to do, some communications to deliver and have spent much time prying out the foot that I recklessly  lodged in my mouth. I don't like the taste of leather, and cleaning up is so tedious. My 13 year old self never did like cleaning up.

One realization that has come through all of this is that I desperately want real connection in my life. I want to have friends, and its obvious that I don't know how to go about attracting good friends. Girlfriends, not boyfriends! Boys need not apply! I used to say that girls were stupid and that I couldn't be friends with them. I now know where that mentality came from. My husband always says: "of course you could make friends with boys, cause they only want one thing." I can admit it, he is right. So if you are a girl, out in the world, and you need a friend, I would love to apply for the job! Of course you will have to put up with incessant gossiping; late night splurging and an occasional swear word.. or two. Cause we all know, I'm far from perfect. 

Gwen Stefani's song "I'm just a girl" kinda fits where I have been. " I am just a girl in the world, that's all that you'll let me be.."

The moment that I step outside
So many reasons for me to run and hide
I can't do the little things I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things that I fear

 

'Cause I'm just a girl, I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive late at night
Oh, I'm just a girl, guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare with their eyes

 

Oh, I'm just a girl, take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype
Oh, I've had it up to here
Oh, am I making myself clear?

Metro Lyrics



I'm finally ready to choose something else, to put myself out there, and  take another risk. This time, I've got my hammer and nail; I'm putting out the sign.

readynutrition.com

Its my party and I'll eat the whole pie if I want to

I don't know where it all went wrong, except that it started out as a Monday, and that's just asking for a reason to make it a bad day!

In fact, its the Monday after my Birthday which was absolutely lovely and amazing and short. Just one day?? I think birthday week should be an automatic thing after you reach 40, cause really, its a pretty awesome accomplishment!

So back to the day that started out.. and ended like a Monday. I get to work, at my normal time to have people waiting outside my door... wanting stuff.. unscheduled stuff that interfered with my normal "get in get settled and tackle the day time." That is vital to my functioning!! AArrgghhh

So I patiently help the first guy, then the next girl then the next guy.. which WAS scheduled, but which I was not prepared for because.. I was preoccupied and otherwise busy with #1 and #2 customer as previously stated.. Anyway...  The only good thing at this point is that customer #3  has a major crush on me, and since I'm his property manager.. its not exactly appropriate for him to "technically" hit on me. And more importantly ... I am a happily married woman, and not at all interested in him romantically; however.. its kinda fun to know that I can still make a guy stammer and stutter in my presence. :) After all, I did just have my birthday.. and yes; maybe I'm feeling a little bit of a mid life crisis mood coming on; not really... but kinda.

Of course as soon as my husband gets home; its on! Yes! Mama needs some love and there's only one big guy for me and that's not Mr. GQ G Street, but I have to admit... its kind of fun being "not" hit on by a considerably younger guy, I know.. its purely an ego thing.. and today.. I'm not that girl that is "above" all that, it happens... my human side comes out every so often.

And the mornings off... with plenty of hitches... Yay! In the moments I take in the bathroom; you know doing what a girl does.. I do have to admire that I have dressed so very smartly in business slacks; jacket while mixing in a flirty color ensemble of bright pink and baby blue, and I'm feeling pretty great... until I look at my face in the mirror and notice that the 20... no 30 minute zit and blackhead squeezing session I had last night is showing up on my face and I'm feeling self conscious about it! AArrggghhhh!! I have a walk through inspection with an owner, I have never met, and I was really trying to make a good impression... of course I smiled and told myself to completely leave all judgments of this woman and what she might be like and what she might think of me at the door. It is my best shot of really making a good impression; no inadvertent negative emotional energy coming out of me... just breathe... whew.. that was close. Now if she just looks at my eyes.. not my face!... it went good, I think the positive pep talk worked. Oh of course, I hope she is able to overlook the fact that I drove my big gnarly truck into the garbage cans at her property while trying to get out of a no parking zone to avoid the probable ticket that would have happened.. oh boy... then the phone call from the lovely owner, informing me that I left the property keys inside the 2nd rental unit; but now I'm already on my way back up the hill.. and really not wanting to face her again! Did I already mention my smart jacket ensemble....?? yes?

< This is me.. all jacked up on enlightenment overload.. and realizing I am just a girl  with leftover birthday pie at home.. calling my name. >

Back to the office, just in time to pick up the messages, gather my stuff, and cruise off to deliver furniture to my adult kiddos who are just starting out and penniless but 2nd hand furniture rich.. thanks to me, their loving, giving, caring Mom who picks up living room chairs and tosses them into the truck in a single bound. I really did that.. it was impressive, I might add.

Its upon my drive back home, when I'm realizing that the mouse on my computer is totally messing with my tendinitis in my mouse hand and my office chair is completely jacking up my sciatica, oh yes but this is after I find out that my child support check that is supposed to be automatically  deposited by the 20th has yet to arrive and my account is almost bouncing, so I run to the bank on my way to delivering furniture to rescue my account with my saved up money that I was planning on buying my amazingly studly husband a birthday gift.. his birthday is 2 weeks after mine and I'm still so blown away by the lovely gift he gave me... and was so looking forward to getting something for him as equally impressive... sigh.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I hear Alicia Keys song lyrics.. "this girl is on fire!"

I think the fire just petered oout.. Oh yes, the days not over, on my way home, my boss texts me a reminder for the 1/2 day seminar coming up that I have to attend, no exceptions AND my maintenance guy just informed me that "yes, it would be best for me to do the move out walk thru inspection of our latest property to come up for rent". Yippee! Of course I would be glad to... I have so much time on my hands.. really. I'll just do it tomorrow on my way to serving the 3 day pay or vacate notice.. and the 30 day move out notice on my way to the property showing, which just happens to be 30 miles in the opposite direction.

I just figure its all going to be okay, I'm almost home, AND the traffic is moving right along... I remember that I just ran out of my meds and attempting to salvage this day from the depths of Hell, I figure I'll just drop it off at the pharmacy tonight, so I can pick it up in the morning on my way to work. Of course, just as I am busy patting myself on the back for  such foresight the lovely lady at the pharmacy tells me they are all  out of that particular medication and I'll have to go somewhere else. yippee.

Oh well, screw it, I'm done..  I pull in the driveway just in time for my son to be taking his girlfriend home, which I might add, is against the rules for him to be here alone with his girlfriend; and I ask him if he has fed the dogs in which he informs me he has not. So I bark at him to get back there and get them fed! As I'm gathering my stuff, readying myself to plop down in my chair... my son informs me we are out of dog food. #@WQ%$#T% yes .. I just said that.

Is it really any wonder why the first destructive thing I do is go for round 2 of the face picking??? Disgusted I figure there's really only one thing to do. Finish off that pie... after all... its my party... pity or otherwise.. my puppies.. Kujo and Missy really like pie... they can come to my party.

Tomorrow will be better... simply because it is Tuesday, I love Tuesdays... almost as much as I love pie.