I am grateful for the second chances that God has given me
in my life. When my husband and I were first married and in the immediate years
that followed, the things that presented in our lives to manage were so
extremely overwhelming, looking back now, I realize it was in part because I
failed to put myself first by making sure I was okay physically, emotionally
and spiritually that made the circumstances so unbearable. It became very easy to lay blame, and play
victim and shut down my gift of loving others unconditionally, in an effort to
save face and prevent myself from getting hurt. I know I was in the wrong in so
many ways back in those days, I said things to people, my family, children and
step-children in hurtful ways, and failed to honor them and their privacy and their
rights as individuals and members of our household. I stood on my soapbox with something to prove,
forcing my hand and manipulating the outcomes to prove my point. It is
something to look back and not be able to recognize the person you were. It is something even more amazing to get to a
place after so much pain and abuse, that was given and taken, poor judgments,
bad behavior, and self hatred demonstrated with every lie told and drink
consumed. What a sad sad place of hopelessness and despair we were in, one that
felt like a black hole that covers you slowly until you are suffocating and
choking on your own self hatred and pain, clamoring in the dark for answers
that can only come from the light. I
grew up in an abusive environment which perpetuated a feeling of internal turmoil,
and hopelessness within me, that manifested itself easily when I was out of
balance, showing in my behavior as anger and rage and victimhood. The idea that this behavior was justifiable in
the eyes of others and more importantly within my own mind, because of my
background is what was so dangerous. When
my rage was directed at someone else, it created toxicity within me and our
home that is very difficult to describe. It was a form of toxic waste that was
spun and weaved and perpetuated in every relationship within my reach, it
touched some people more than others, before turning this negativity inward
at myself in the form of self loathing and discontentment. I feel so very
blessed to have been awaken to a new reality, and really wish I could take
complete credit for this amazing transformation! Time, patience, and a lot of
healing love has been poured out upon me and my family. I now know that I am in charge
of my feelings, my life is a reflection of my choices to forgive others, and
myself, and to love wholeheartedly, without any regrets! I am in such a better place
in my life with a new chance to be a part of something bigger than just me. I
have 2 wonderful step-kids that I am finally seeing for the first time through
thankful eyes, a beautiful grandson who is a miracle to behold. I have a
husband who is so amazing and a partnership with him that I used to only dream
of having. I have 4 wonderful kids that teach me something new every day! I can finally look myself in the mirror and
take full responsibility for the person looking back, and it is truly awesome!!
I truly have been blessed and I thank God every day.
