A time for reflection

So I'm on the recovering end of pneumonia and it has been quite the time for reflection and emotional and physical healing. I have always been the type of person that takes what life offers up in the moment by asking what I need to be learning from this experience; yet sometimes I think it can be something that holds me back from what I want to express and create for my life.  It is the act of  trusting the process that at times I butt up against. In defense of "the process" I have found that I really should trust "it" more. At times I am forced into taking notice of something, that in so doing I have become a better, more whole and complete person. Let me give some examples, and simply put, these are my experiences and do not necessarily need to be applied to your own experience, however sometimes it helps to hear the experiences of others while gaining understanding into your own process, so it is in that spirit that I share my reflections.

reflection #1

We are here to enjoy life and if we are not enjoying it, there is a reason - I believe that we have the power to figure out what we need to do to begin enjoying it, or just remember if we have forgotten.

I haven't been having a good time, I have been telling myself that I have been. One of the reasons I believe this has happened is that I have not believed that I get to have fun. It is a new realization for me that I have carried this belief system from my upbringing into my adult life. In my family of origin there was much to be sober about, life was a serious matter, it was not supposed to be fun and if you were having fun, it must have been at the expense of someone else, and that was not okay. I have decided that I deserve to have fun! I get to have fun for no other reason than I choose it. I can trust myself that I will have fun and still be respectful of my limits, and that having fun does not have to be at the expense of someone else.

reflection #2

The things that happen to us are about us - not anyone else, no matter who else is around us, the lessons are ours, and acknowledging them in no way makes us selfish.

It has been a habit of mine to often look at my life outside of myself. I exist for others, for my husband and kids and family and what others think I should be and do. Even this blog at times is about what I can give back to others, yet I realize that I cannot give something I don't possess. I realize now that I have neglected myself, my health, and relied on others to take care of me. I have been following  the agreement that "you take care of me and I will take care of you." This agreement is a messed up way of avoiding your own well- being and your own issues.  It is setting yourself up to fail when you  put your own well being in the hands of someone else. It is a continual cause of stress for me and creates a feeling of chaos that is detrimental to my well-being. I have decided to make a new agreement, that I take care of me, and I support you in your efforts to take care of you.


reflection #3

Moving forward is rarely as straightforward as it seems - expanding ourselves into a new place can leave room for all manner of nonsense and fear. My sister explained this and it made so much sense! If you are trying to expand, everything about you will expand, including the scary fearful parts.

It is scary to fail, it is even scarier to never try. It is a process, and involves struggle and facing into our stuff. For me, I take on big projects, and have unrealistic expectations of myself and the abilities I already possess. I expect that I can do whatever I choose, as long as I want it bad enough, and many times that is all that it requires, however changing patterns of behavior that have been modeled for decades, or attempting to show up in a way that is completely new and that has not been modeled to you in your upbringing at all is extremely difficult. It will always be harder to go down the road less traveled, for me this is the road I was destined to travel. So I will continue to try, and then try some more when things don't go quite as I planned.

reflection #4

If trauma and violence was a part of your childhood as it was in mine; then its important to take notice of the memories that are vividly remembered. These memories are important pieces to the puzzle of healing our hurt little selves.

Have you noticed how unwilling some people are to talk about their childhood? My Mother just recently gave us a book she compiled of some of her memories recorded in her journal and of her recollection of our births into this world. There was a lot going on in our family when I was growing up; alcoholism, physical abuse, poverty and a lot of chaos with so many mouths to feed. Unlike other family's that go through difficulty, we tended towards isolating ourselves rather than reaching out to our other siblings in order to cope with the pain and fear we experienced. This has been a pattern in my family for years, and it is only in times of extreme struggle now that we ask for any help or support from each other. I have often been dumbfounded by this, because I tell people that we have a very tight knit and close family, and others looking at us from the outside would think nothing else but that we are close. There is no doubt that we love each other, and that if you asked each one of us, we would say that there is nothing that we wouldn't do for each other, but it is not natural or easy for us to ask for help or support. We are very proud and stubborn, and instinctively react to any struggle as a personal banner that once conquered can be hung for everyone to see. I have been in some dire situations in my own life, in the last ten years we have put three children through rehab, lost our baby at birth, and have experienced financial hardships, job layoffs and other things that have been impossible to overcome without the support from family members. In many ways I have filled a role in my family by asking for help, accepting help and sincerely working hard to be of service to my parents and siblings in order to give something back for their generosity. I have learned a lot from the things we have gone through, it is part of what makes me uniquely qualified to be there for others emotionally when they are going through difficulties; for that reason I am grateful.

reflection #5

When we find ourselves reacting to a situation with an exaggerated emotional response, it is rarely about the situation that is currently at hand.

This is something I have known for awhile now, but this last week I actually went to the next level and was brave enough to wonder about my emotional outburst and what it might be telling me. This particular response comes up a lot when I am learning a new sport, that takes integrating external feedback from a coach and applying it to the position of my body. I love challenging myself in every way and have good body awareness, and physicality that transfers to many things, but as with anything, practice makes perfect. This time the challenge is bowling! I am learning how to throw the ball with a curve, aim correctly and adjust my mark to the lanes oil pattern; a lot of things I have never even heard of before! On Saturdays we get to practice with a coach and on Mondays we go for our team bowling and my husband gives me pointers and helps me out the best he can. No matter which sport, which coach or how much natural talent I already possess, I get defensive and embarrassed when I make any mistakes. At times yelling and throwing my golf clubs down the fairway and ordering my husband to pick them up! ( I have since apologized and got a bit more control on the golf course, but its taken awhile)! I am happy to say that I was able to recognize the response as being exaggerated, and stopped to think about what my reaction was really about. Long story short, I was able to find one of my little selves that desperately needed love, comfort and acceptance. The little one that was embarrassed at gymnastics class, and really just needed a little understanding and some better clothes to wear that would not show off things that little girls really want to keep covered. For an eight or nine year old little girl, that is so embarrassing!! I'm happy to say that I am giving her the love and understanding that she needs. I know that she is safe now, that it is okay to take care of her and that the more I do this, the better my grown up self feels in similar situations.

Overall it has been an amazing time of reflecting, and drawing from my experiences in order to better understand how to be more whole. I feel a new sense of awareness that is helping me feel capable and ready to pursue the next big challenge in my future. I am shaking off the ties that have bound me and finding a new appreciation for others that can help support me in my goals, and in return I get to support them in theirs. I am once again grounded and traveling on the path I have chosen, clearing rocks and pulling weeds all along the way, I would definitely say that its a good day.

Love is in the air..

What's not to love about Valentine's day? It has always been one of my favorites! When my kids were little, I used to scatter the little candy hearts around the house and tell them that St. Valentine came to visit them. They always loved scurrying around the house to find the candy in the most curious places.  My kids are almost all grown now and I still love to give them valentines every year! A little note to say I love you, or a candy bar with a note that says you are my sweetheart, I'm so glad you are my son or daughter!

 One of my favorite memories is the year my son brought me a dozen gorgeous peach colored roses and a card for valentines day, it was by far one of the sweetest most memorable years I have ever had! I think I still have the vase they came in, and I'm pretty sure I kept the dried roses for years.

This year, my daughter is spreading the love and making all kinds of preparations for her boyfriend to make it the best day of love for him. I have been sitting here watching her for the last 2 hours make a valentines box like the ones we used to make in elementary school... I have had  a grin on my face the whole time and she keeps asking me if I'm laughing at her. I have to admit, it does my heart good to know I have passed this tradition on. I couldn't help but chuckle because she said " I just love doing this, it reminds me of being a little kid again, and I loved being a little kid!" My heart just burst with joy to hear it!

 So often we get hung up on the bad parts of childhood and forget that we all have  memories that we can and should cherish from when we were wee tykes. If we don't have any memories or find it difficult to remember, then its never too late to start making loving memories now that we can cherish in the moment.

I saw my little sister the other day and we were talking about how to learn to love and take care of ourselves better. We understood each other perfectly, knowing that as kids, we both felt alone, and on our own and all we ever wanted was for someone to take notice and love us. It is these hurt little ones from our childhood that are longing to find their way back into our hearts and souls. The raggedy ones, the scared ones the angry ones that were not so easy to love. They (our little selves) show up in our lives now many times just to be kicked out and rejected again. It is the much more grown up adult parts of ourselves that do not want to accept the little ones and are fearful of what they represent. The parts that are vulnerable, scared, lonely, needy,  helpless, mean, impatient, stupid, violent, sexual, ugly, poor and sickly. Now as adults, we look at these traits with disdain, we find no place for any of them in our professional or "grown up" lives, in fact some of them do not serve us well at all. Yet each one may represent a part of you that is repressed, or hiding and afraid, that is longing for acceptance, approval and love.

I have made a decision to find my hurt little selves, to explore how they show up today in my grown up life, to love and accept them and invite them to come back home. I want to do this because I believe that it is in the acknowledging and accepting of these parts of my inner self that will eventually allow wholeness to reside within me, and help me to express myself as I truly am, without fear or shame.   I am much more than safety, much more than the acceptance of others and much more than what others see on the surface. I am so much more than what shows up daily in an effort to be what others think I need to be, it is for this reason that I celebrate today! It is for this reason, that my heart is expanding at this very moment.