How Presumptuous!

I'm not implying that I'm more important than you.
I'm not saying you should listen to what I say.
I'm not offering any guarantees.
I'm not giving you a reason to feel guilty.
I have little attachment to the "why" anyone reads my blog. And very little attachment to the "who" that reads my blog. It is not the reason why I write.

So why do it? That's a very good question. Of course I enjoy getting good feedback about what I say, and I really feel good when something I have said  touches someone's life but its still not the reason I do it. To be totally honest, I question it sometimes too. It does however provide a way for me to get all the conversations I have inside my head "out" in space. Doesn't everyone have conversations in their head? And yes I do answer myself back sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if I should really say what's inside my head out loud, cause at times I get some really strange reactions. Take today for instance: I came inside the house after brushing my dogs and getting the stickers out of their fur I showed Nick my 16 yr. old son the hives that were already appearing on my arms from the allergic reaction and said:
 "Do you see these lovely hives that my body has given to me? I'm just going to love my body for this response anyway and then offer an idea to my body that it has permission to not react that way anymore."
He literally just looked at me with this confused look wondering if I was serious or just messing with him. In which I assured him that I know I sound crazy but I am completely serious. Just because my body has reacted this way for as long as I can remember when touched with animal hair, doesn't mean it has to be that way anymore. I'm open to the possibility that something new can happen. I don't know how or when, but I'm open to it happening. I love my doggies and my horse and have always felt a real connection to animals. In the past I have also suffered asthma spells while interacting with animals. Yes you can call me a glutton for punishment, but in a way it has taught me to put some boundaries in place in regards to animals, which for the most part I have done. My body still reacts and gives me the message when I do not respect the boundaries. But for me it is all about speaking out for myself and taking care of myself, and if I can do that and enjoy my country lifestyle, then that's what I want!

So it was through some experiences that my body provided for me that helped me realize that I needed to speak, and write and be "out there" in the world, but most of all start being completely honest in my expressions. My body helped me see that when I'm out of whack on the inside, even though I'm doing my best to hide it, I am completely out of whack on the outside as well. And if my body is out of whack on the outside, then it is most definitely time for me to look inward at what I'm not speaking, or expressing.

A few years ago, my body had been struggling and it showed up as an inability to eat. I literally would choke on my food, I couldn't get it to go down and I couldn't cough it back up. My esophagus would not allow the food to enter my stomach. I did see the appropriate doctors and found the initial cause of the discomfort. I took the appropriate medicine and waited for my body to heal, but it was a very long process that felt hopeless most of the time. I was confused because it would happen sometimes when I ate, but not at others. It would happen with soft food, and with hard food. I couldn't figure out what was going on. I did everything the doctors said to do to treat the symptoms, respecting what they had to say, but still not satisfied with the outcome. This particular episode went on for about 3 years. It was one of those things where I had almost given up hope that I would ever be able to eat normal again. I began to avoid eating in public and going out to eat with my husband was not fun anymore. I hated what my body was doing to me and I felt powerless to change it. I had no energy and started disconnecting with my body and its needs in order to cope. I stopped exercising and doing anything that would require excess energy. Literally, I gave up living.

About two years ago my sister Suzanne Stauffer started expanding her business of personal training and as an extension created Body Bliss. A series of weekly classes that she taught to help people get in tune with their bodies, align their body with their purpose and go through processes during class that would help us with all of this. So in an effort to support my sister and because I am a sponge for new ideas,  I decided to take her class. Each week we would learn new ways to listen to our bodies and learned through some of the guided meditations that we did, what our bodies were trying to say to us.

The environment and timing was perfect and slowly I began to open up to the ideas of health and happiness and choosing in rather than avoiding. That was the beginning, choosing to be present in my life and feeling every emotion rather than creating chaos and making excuses because I didn't want to feel any of it. What I  didn't realize then was that my body was already feeling every emotion and every undelivered  conversation that I was not in a habit of speaking.  I was not in a habit of being present and I was super scared to be authentically myself, because frankly, I loathed myself. I was not living, I was merely coping, and existing.

I will save all the details for another writing, but lets suffice it to say that I had a lot of explaining to myself and others to do. I had many truths I was withholding. I was living a lie and every part of my body was screaming at me to fix it! I made excuses and lied to myself as often as I did to others. I pretended to be okay and told people what they expected from me, rather than the truth. I acted out in ways that hurt me and my family members and used excuses that I told myself daily in order to keep myself from feeling the truth of my actions. I was so detached emotionally from myself that it was difficult for people who really knew me to not take me by the shoulders and scream at me to "Wake Up!" All this was going on, and had been going on, and my body finally had had enough! It was in full revolt of my dishonesty and it showed up as the prevention of an action that was required to continue living. It happened this way because this is what needed to happen for me to wake up and realize what I was doing. It was an opportunity to change my life, and through the grace of God, people were put in my path that said and did things that were vital to my waking up and embracing the hope that I could be made whole.

As a part of this process I created this blog, and I named it Brutally Honest Conversations, because at times it feels very brutal to be honest. It has been a way for me to align my public self with my private self, and a way for me to go from dishonesty to complete honesty. Its been so difficult at times and so extremely scary to speak up. What began to happen within me as I practiced expressing myself was subtle at first, but now is undeniable. My body began to heal, I was able to eat again. The more I respected myself, my body and its limitations, the more in alignment I am from the inside out, the better my body works. One of the things I learned through Suzanne's Body Bliss class is that the body is made up of 7 Chakras or energy centers and ideally they work together to create maximum health and wellness in our body. The part of the body that I was struggling with was the throat, esophagus, and thyroid which aligns with the 5th Chakra. It is the element of sound vibration, and being represented through creativity, self expression and communication. All of the behaviors that I was avoiding. What I have come to realize now is that I was literally choking on my emotions, by not speaking them. And another realization that has come from further exploration is that this has been something that I have struggled with my whole life. I remember times as a child that I lost my voice and could not speak for months at a time, with no physical explanation. I have been dealing with the same issues, but with different people and different situations my whole life.

I started out with all kinds of ideas about this blog, and about what I wanted to accomplish with it. But the underlying message for me is to speak my truth. Say it out loud and on paper. Say it to strangers and to family and friends, because it is the truth and speaking the truth has literally set me free. I am now writing as a freely  expressed soul unafraid of the viewpoints of others. I am merely honoring my body and my soul by writing. I am simply putting it out there, and allowing the words to flow from me as honestly as possible. I am but a vessel that is striving to remain balanced and deliver the messages that have come as a result of my life. So if that helps someone out there, then I'm grateful! If I can be an inspiration of what to do or what not to do, then hallelujah, praise God! I praise Him every day, for the fabulous life I am leading, and for giving me the ability to speak in a way that people will listen. But most of all, I'm grateful to have the ability to learn, to have the humility to see when I'm wrong and the guts to believe I get to have a life of my choosing, and the compassion to share that life with others. Thanks for helping make that a reality, I am sincerely and always your humble blogger.