the journal project

I really try to refrain from seriously calling myself crazy in an effort to stay positive and accepting of my whole self, however even I at times have to admit that sometimes I really could be crazy, the question of my sanity has come up once again. Just today I ran across a book on Numerology (this is kind of a long drawn out story, so you might want to pull up a seat) that I purchased years ago when I was still in school and was in need of a diversion from the mundane,  routine, life that is online school. I have always been fascinated by the topic and even though my family and my husband are less than enthusiastic, I have oftentimes shared with them tidbits of knowledge from this book that I am sure they have found to be life altering. In this particular book, it mentions that numbers are very important, and that themes in our life follow a pattern. In our lives themes emerge in patterns of 9, that 9 years ago, I was experiencing the same pattern of numbers in my life and therefore I could look back and get some kind of a "heads up" for what my life will look like this next year. Well... that works really well in theory, that is if you actually remember anything from your life from 9 years ago. This is where the dilemma begins, you see, I really have a hard time remembering what happened last week, let alone stretching my poor little memory banks to remember 9 years ago. Aha! That is where this fabulous idea came to me, I have journals, that I can read and find out if the themes of 9 years ago are repeating themselves. Yay!! Journals are the answer, and yet... here is the real problem, yes this is a multi-faceted doozy of a dilemma. I am not your average journal writing person, that keeps everything orderly by writing in one journal til it is all filled up and then dutifully going to the store to pick up the next journal, until it is filled up etc. I keep my journals in a variety of places, and when I say journals, I mean the plural. I have 9 journals!! 9 journals that I have been writing in for the last 13 years, plus random notebooks from classes I have taken, and seminars I have been a part of and they are clearly not in chronological order!! I journal much like I live my life.. just randomly, based on how I feel, what colors move me, what book feels good in my hand to write in.. oh look at all the pretty colors... oh.. yes that one is nice, I think I will write in that one today. Is this familiar to anyone?? Does anyone else do this? Really please, make me feel better and let me know that you have the same disease. I will feel so much better about myself, knowing that I am really not alone.

So anyway, as I was gathering up said journals, I began thumbing through some of my journal entries, from the past years and I have a very firm understanding now of why many people do not journal, and document the themes of their lives. I rarely journal anything happy, it is usually a moment I am trying to find some clarity to a dilemma or vent out some painful situation or really really feeling some well deserved self pity! Ugh, I read the first couple entries, and burst into tears and threw myself on my bed as I grabbed my tissue box to catch my tears. Wow, has my life really been that devastatingly sad? I really hope that instead, it is just that when I am happy and content and life is going amazingly well, that I choose to just live in the moment and enjoy it rather than relive it as I find the perfect words to describe every feeling and emotion. However, I  have to say that I have some very profound entries, and I really do feel compelled to share them. I guess in a way, its my little gift to the world, and in sharing, maybe I can finally put all the sadness to rest and learn to write the good stuff. Maybe in doing so, I will help create more good stuff, and eventually the sad themes of yesteryear will be able to pass on and make room for a new story.

So in the new year of 2013 that is coming up, I am going to be sharing deeply, straight from my multiple journals. I will try to mix it up a bit, and make sure there is lighthearted banter to make up for the seriousness of the topics, but I really feel like its a step in the right direction for my life. It will be a journey, and you might want to stock up on the tissues, just warning you! If its all a bit much, its okay, I know.. I've lived it, and taking a minute to browse Pinterest's randomly simple expressions, in order to regroup, well.. I guess I can accept that. After all, it takes someone very brave and slightly crazy to stay in the brutally honest conversations that have occurred in my life, and its time to pass those conversations onto someone else to learn and grow from. What an adventure! I can't wait to get started... okay now.. ooh the pretty pink one is nice.. I think I will start here.

Too much to say, and struggling to find the words

I was watching Anna and the King last night with my husband Jeff; having a little date night Netflix fest; and the King said something that really struck us funny and rang so true!  He said "When a woman who has much to say says nothing, the silence can be deafening."  It feels like so much has happened since my last blog, so many mixed emotions, ranging from anger to elation, fear to gratitude, relief to frustration and everything in between and yet I have felt powerless to find the energy, and the words, and the time to express them adequately as I have desired. I have been tempted to throw down a quick post, just to satisfy my need to keep my blog updated, but I just do not feel like I can express myself the way I need to by doing that. And as I have said nothing... life has gone on, unfortunately many things have transpired in our world, and within my own world that have been so heartbreaking. The questions of "why"  have been raised by so many, longing to find comfort and ease the sorrow of our collective hearts and souls. I too have asked that question with regards to events that have transpired in my life. I lost my job in October of this year, and have been doing a lot of thinking and praying and researching to find something that will be a better fit for my skills and closer to my home. A couple of weeks ago Jeff was in an accident and my car was wrecked, although he was safe without injury. My daughter was in a very scary accident last night, and her car was totalled, yet she and her passenger walked away, shaken up and in shock, but otherwise okay and alive. Thank God for that!

The truth is it took the accident with my daughter to realize how really lucky and blessed we have been. I was pissed when my husband got in the accident and wrecked my car! I yelled, I said mean things to him, and didn't feel blessed at all! I felt very put out, and picked on, and angry that he let this happen! I blamed him and then accused him of not caring because he still has a truck to drive and I am stuck in the house with no transportation!

Sometimes it is all about blaming someone, isn't it? Justice has to be done right? Someone has to pay, and pay dearly in order for us to feel better. It didn't take me long to realize that blaming him and being angry and mad while it was a true emotion in the moment and I am committed to feeling all of my feelings, staying in that angry bitter place really wasn't making anything better. I felt bad, I beat myself up and felt guilty for not appreciating him and yelling at him, I felt down and had no energy to be productive in dealing with the situation at hand. And to make matters even worse, its Christmastime and money is tighter than usual and who really wants to feel like celebrating the giving season when you feel so empty and bad.

I think it is safe to say, we all have things that happen to us and around us that shake us up and make us feel sad and angry. We all react sometimes and get caught up in our bad behavior and truly feel justified. What I have realized after many years; is I'm really only hurting myself and those closest to me and blocking any positive energy to move forward in finding a solution. As I have gotten older, I literally have less energy to waste on fretting and getting upset and staying upset.

On the flip side, I used to also skip any expression of my emotions, and hold them all in and then be resentful later on, because my family should have known that I was having a hard time. I would end up blowing up at the first person that just happened to be in my personal space, or disagree with me or I would passively make snotty snide comments that were hurtful, and rude to let people "know" that I was mad. I realize now that my body held onto all of those emotions, and it wreaked havoc on my physical health. There has to be a balance between these extreme ways of handling conflict. What is the answer? Everyone has an opinion, a solution, and those who are in positions of power or political influence oftentimes feel like their answer is "right".  Religious organizations would argue that their way is the right way, and if everyone could just see the "light" then the world would be better.

I believe that we all have ulterior motives and if our focus is on being right, then there is always someone who can prove that our way is wrong. I don't believe it is about that, I believe in a higher purpose than being right. My suggestion for an answer is always love, and compassion and leaning on others around us for support. I truly believe we need to step up as individuals, lay aside our pride and the need to be right, and instead put our focus on believing that there is a way to bridge the gaps, and heal our hearts. We can support each other by really reaching outside of our comfort zones, by being willing to be honest about what is really happening in our hearts. Sharing our feelings, as we feel them, lending a listening ear, seeing others for their potential, rather than judging them strictly for their actions and mistakes. When it comes right down to it, we all are in pain in one way or the other, we all need support from time to time and that is what we are all here for. God uses us to bless the lives of others and to fulfil His purposes, I believe that wholeheartedly. Its time to collectively step into that role and realize we are all in this together for a reason. Let Christmas remind us that Love is the reason for the season, and be generous in the giving.