Love is warm and tingly!

Coming home from my body bliss class tonight after breathing correctly, releasing toxins from my body, sharing with the group about the immense Love I felt during our love process and eating the most divine chocolate yummy pie that was made and shared by an amazing woman from our class;  I am feeling  so inspired! 

I was literally driving home feeling the warm tingles and energy move through my body, from my legs into my arms and especially inside my heart.  It was that amazing of a class!  Body Bliss by Suzanne Stauffer who just happens to be my most amazing little Sister is truly a godsend. 

I decided that the most natural way for me to share this immense love I am feeling is to say thanks to God, because I know he is the main dude from where this incredible love flows, and he has blessed my life so incredibly that I just have to share my thanks.  So God, I want to thank you so much for:

...Suzanne: who is truly inspired in her essence and pushes the boundaries so effortlessly and wonderfully, I am so incredibly proud of her and love her so much!
...My sons, Zach, Christian, Nick and my little angel Troy, I have the most handsome boys ever, who have the biggest hearts and are amazing kids. I am honored to be their Mom!
...My daughter, Brooke, who is so beautiful and loving and has a heart of gold!
...this amazing Earth with all its splendor and beauty.  The trees that stand so majestically in all their glory, not being afraid to  show their wear from decades of living.
...the variety of people on this earth, that are so different and interesting and uniquely them.  We always have someone to look to with a different experience, and perspective to glean from.  How amazing is this?  God is so smart!
...My body, my mind, my heart, my soul, my ability to love, my desire for connection, my passion for life and sharing and my incredible will to keep on going.  I am so amazing!
...My house, my car that keeps on chugging, my dogs and my horse and the beautiful flowers that bloom every spring in my yard and remind me of how much I am loved.
...My husband who is my biggest fan and supporter, who absolutely adores every inch of me and is so incredibly intuitive and compassionate. 
... Phillip Phillips, who has a voice that turns me into a giddy 14 yr. old with every song he sings!
... Adele, who's songs and voice speak to my soul so deeply its difficult to even explain.
... Music that rocks my world and moves through my body like a hurricane!
... My Mom, the rock of our family and the most stubborn woman I know!
... My Dad, who loved my Mom and us so much, and gave so much of himself in this life.
... the sun, for bringing warmth to our bodies and filling us up with light from above.
... the moon, for lighting up the night, and giving us an excuse to feel romantic.
... the stars, for shining so bright and giving us reason to look up.
... for my newly acquired job that I  got with Gods help, the opportunity to feel productive and valued and learn new skills that challenge me every day.

For each gift we are given we must be thankful for, and give appreciation for, if we are to make it through the challenges that face us every day- I really truly believe this with my whole heart and soul! Love is all around us, in everything, through everything and beyond this realm into the heavens, we just have to reach out and notice that its there... in doing this, we find true joy.

Honesty is a funny thing

I realized something really amazing today... I am willing to be honest .... to a degree.  I really thought I was getting down to the nitty gritty of what my truth is; and today I was shown how far from that I really am.  Here is what happened:

My son Nick, who is 15 years old decided it would be really fun to take a video of me this afternoon being a total dork.  He named it "My Mom off her Meds", and literally I was being so goofy and silly!  I was watching HGTV and commenting on how I would love to have them come crash my house, but then I was just being random and silly just like a kid who doesn't care about looking like a fool.  So he thought it would be so funny to post this video to facebook for everyone to see.  I was absolutely mortified when I found out he had posted the video, and demanded that he take it off or I would absolutely kill him!  When he showed me the video on his phone, I have never felt so humiliated in my life! All he said was, "what Mom... it got 8 likes so far." 

So as I was working in my yard, I was pondering about what happened and realized that I am so extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. Cause I am silly like that alot in front of my family, the ones I trust the most.  In fact its not unlike me to be goofy on a daily basis, but only in front of my kids and husband. So the part that was so hard to take was first I was still in my jammies and I was  not camera ready by any means.  Even when I am looking my best, I literally have to talk myself into being OK while getting my picture or video taken.  I have never liked being in front of a camera.  I am a photographer for a reason, I do not belong in front of one.  I really thought I was making progress, but clearly I have some trauma about being silly and getting made fun of.  I do remember being teased relentlessly in my childhood. 

If  I was being brutally honest... I would post that video on here and let you all see it, but I am SO not going to do that... which tells me that honesty comes in layers.  I am comfortable telling you all about how I'm silly and telling you what I want you to believe about me, and I will even open up a little and get emotional and express that emotion, but I'm much more comfortable sitting behind my words.  I can talk about my "story" all day long.  But I am not at all comfortable with my "real" self being exposed.  I talked to Nick about it, and he couldn't understand why I would be so embarrassed about it, because he considers me cool and fun and he really has no problem at all showing me in my element. I tried to tell him how horrible I look and sounded in the video, and he said "yea Mom, I know, everyone sounds funny and looks funny in videos that are posted on facebook."

So who am I fooling into believing that I am cool and suave and polished and refined every minute of every day? Why am I so scared of what people think of me?  I really am, that is clear.  I am a total goon sometimes and I look old! I don't feel that old, and I don't really believe I look bad, for my age, but I am very worried that everyone will see right through me. I really want to like what I see in front of me... but honestly... I don't.

So if I'm being completely honest about my blog being completely honest, I need to qualify that by saying that I am being as brutally honest as I can be in this very moment, and my level of honesty is going to be different than someone else's.  It is my hope that I will increase in my level of honesty every day I do this blog, that eventually I will be able to fully accept myself, every part of myself, even my goofiest, ugliest, least refined self...

Random Ramblings

"Sweet Thing!"

• Being "out there" is really scary!
• Wearing dress pants is super fun.
• Irony is all around us.
• 15 yr old teenage boys are so  irreverently hilarious, I wish I could be one for a day!

Being out there is really scary:  I shared with my Body Bliss classmates last night that I was blogging and realized halfway through class that doing so was causing me some serious gastrointestinal stress! The thought that someone might just read my blog and not like it... I can tell myself it doesn't matter, but it really does! Of course I want everyone to like me, and to have someone not like me or think my writing is horrible or just not like what I'm saying, well I guess initially that felt really scary.  Its risky to put yourself out there for others to judge, my stomach was really not prepared for that risk.  Believe me, it rebelled with considerable discomfort all night long! I kept telling my tummy it would be okay, that we would make it through, and after spending about 2 hours in the "facilities" last night, I think my tummy finally believed me.  Whew...!

Wearing dress pants is super fun: Well, yesterday I wore dress pants to my job interview and Suzanne commented last night how cute they were, and I really felt cute in them... I did!  Today I had another job interview and I wore a different pair of dress pants, and I felt so very business like and official, like I was a real business woman! I went to the store after my interview and had so much pride in myself, and walked with my head held high... I'm just sure people walking by thought "wow, she must be a real career person, look at those awesome dress pants, I wished she worked for me.".... when I got home I didn't change my super cute dress pants, I just changed my shirt and took off my very official business jacket and hung it up.  I will have to go buy me some more dress pants, I think they are my new sweatpants. At this very minute I'm cuddled up on the couch typing... wearing you guessed it... my super cute dress pants.

Irony is all around us: Do you ever notice that you always have more time to do projects when you are working full time and fit them in to your schedule; than when you lose your job and have nothing but time on your hands? I just cannot manage to fit those projects in... between stressing about finding a job, and applying and interviewing for jobs... I am just plum out of energy to do much else. 
So yesterday at my first job interview, I was seriously jumping up and down inside during and after, I felt so good about it until I started really thinking about what I communicated as far as what my specific skills are.  The interview today actually went better in retrospect, yet I was much more subdued and direct in what I communicated, and the "high" of the chase just wasn't there today.  I really want a job, and I know if I get either of these jobs I will be so  happy, but I really thought I aced the interview yesterday.... until I got one day of perspective to reflect.  It's really amazing what the filter of perspective does for us.

15 yr old boys are so irreverently hilarious:  Taking my son and his friend to the skate park today my son just starts making random comments like; "wow, have you ever noticed that when you roll your window down, ... it actually goes down into the door?? It doesn't just disappear!" I laughed hard, then his friend hollers out the window at another boy "hey there sweet thing".  I know its probably wrong for me to encourage this unruly behavior, but I couldn't stop laughing. Could you see someone my age doing that?? In that instant... I really wanted to try it out, just to see how it felt. 

One thing for sure that hasn't changed... waiting for something... or someone  is STILL absolutely unnerving, I know I have to wait til at least Monday to find out if I got either position I applied for, and its driving me crazy! I want to know NOW! I guess I'm closer to being a 15 yr old than I initially thought....

What a Rush!

So as soon as I got done with my last post, I got a phone call for a job interview! As soon as I got off the phone I went through a range of emotions first one being Fear! I was sitting on the couch and took one look at my husband and said Yikes!  Fortunately the fear was quickly replaced by excitement and then my mind went racing! The butterflies and tingles went through me like wildfire!

This morning I got another phone call for another interview! After almost 3 weeks of searching daily and sending out resumes without anything, this has been amazing! Hmm I  think that all this is in direct result of my call to the Universe and thanking it for my amazing blessings.  It really makes me wonder about how much better life is for us when we acknowledge what we have and appreciate it. 

So the 1st interview went amazingly well and I feel really good about it! I was able to answer all the questions they had for me in a very direct way and I feel I brought out my strengths well.  I am trying to just focus on that but I have this anxious feeling in my tummy that I'm sure won't go away until I know if I get the job. I am trying my hardest to block the self doubt, it is trying to push its way in... NOoooooo   Caaannnoooott winnnnnn.....   Its just crazy the adrenaline rush!  I felt so great that I decided it was perfectly natural to go take a nap or paint a house or something!

Life is good.

Much about Nothing

What to say when you are completely without any creative options to the dilemma that is at hand??  I have never been out of work not on purpose, and I have never been out of work at the same time my husband is out of work.  I suppose this is the reason for the intense stress I am feeling.  I am sincerely asking the Universe whats up? I really am not all against learning valuable lessons and in fact I am all for learning, but this is ridiculous!  It really sucks that you don't get to choose in what order you learn the vital lessons we are supposed to learn in this life.  Maybe I would just opt out and that's why the Universe is in control? That really could be it, however I would like to think I was up for the challenge and would willingly raise my hand and say..." pick me!... pick me!.... pick me to lose everything monetary that I have ever owned and yes please throw in physical turmoil and emotional instability as well!"

No I really do trust the Universe, I know it will work out in the end, it is just not for me to know how it will work out.  I guess to prove that I am willing to go out on a limb, and keep going even though all hope seems lost. 

In fact, I really think this is a hidden blessing, one that probably shouldn't be so difficult to see.  My husbands job opportunity was out of state and was going to last for over a year.  It would have been a really good opportunity to make some good money, and help get some of our debt gone, but alas.. it was not to be.  In fact it took an act of Nature and the failure to secure certain work permits in order to stop him from going.  Considering that our relationship has been on the mend for the last 6 months, and it has been the #1 goal of mine and his, I guess I owe the Universe a thank you. 

THANKS UNIVERSE!

I hope that is enough, I really need to know what more I need to do, or what more we need to do, or maybe just appreciate that we actually have a marriage now that we didn't 6 months ago, in fact there are many things I can be grateful for at this very moment.  I think a list is in order:

-My health is better than it has been in a long time and I am so much more in tune and happy with my body. This is awesome!
-My husband and I are so good, better than we have been in a really long time.  We talk about real stuff and can bring up stuff that is hard for us, and we are dealing with our insecurities on a daily basis.  This is awesome!
-My 15 yr old is bringing home a report card with a GPA of 3.7.  He has never even come close to a 3.0 his whole high school career! He is doing so great and has an awesome attitude.  I'm so proud of him!
-I am really truly happier than I have been in a very long time, true happiness, happiness that I can be proud of.  I feel awesome about this!
-I have a great life and great kids that are figuring out their stuff, and are good kids and becoming great people in this world, and I am so happy for them!

Overall, I think I have A LOT to be happy about, now lets just hope my bill collectors are as impressed as I am...

What I learned from my Dad

My dad was a wonderful man, he died on October 28th 2011 and its still so hard to believe he is gone.

I learned some great things and some not so great things from him, but it didn't change the fact that I absolutely adored this man!

So for the good things I learned from him: I learned what romance was, watching him with my Mom. He loved to surprise her and show up with her favorite flowers, he got such a kick out of seeing her be so surprised. He was so tender with her and yet he was not a man that was ruled by her, he fought her tooth and nail.

I learned how to work from my Dad, and work hard. He worked for Mt. Fuel for 25 years and gave them his whole heart and soul. He worked as many overtime hours as he could, especially when it was Christmastime, just so he could afford gifts. When my Dad cleared the weeds out of a flower garden, there wasn't a speck of green anything in the dirt, all was left was the plants and flowers. I oftentimes try to weed my flowers like he did, and yet it doesn't compare.

I learned that its never too late to change or to pick up a hobby. He finally gave up alcohol and tobacco by the time I was in High School, yet he tried so many times to stop smoking, my whole life I remember him trying to quit. He was always up for fishing... he finally got to enjoy fishing as much as he wanted when they moved to Gunnison and he was retired for good. He took up golfing in his later years, and actually made a hole in one, on one of his first trips to the golf course. He was an amazing athlete! Just find the Emery Times yearbook and check him out. He was the star athlete in his school.

I just don't think I can do justice to this post! I really am trying to be honest here, it is what my whole goal is for this blog, but I just hate to cry like a little baby and I'm feeling that lump in my throat that tells me I'm on shaky ground. I miss my Dad so much! I don't want to write about him like he's not here anymore, I just want him to be here. Its just not fair! I am full on crying now, great. I hate to cry. I have pictures up in the house of him and my family, and it kills me to think I will never have any more to put up in my house. He was 71 years old, and had 9 kids and 32 or so grand kids. Way too young to die.

Okay so back to the things I learned from him. He loved so deeply, so intensely, and when he felt things, it was almost too much for him to bear. I think that's why he had such a rough and tough exterior, and why his temper flared so much. He was just a big snugly bear deep inside where it counted.

I learned other things from him too: I learned that when life gets too hard you go to your room. He was a classic anti social and struggled so much with his own demons that the only place he wanted to be was alone. When I am upset, I go to my room and usually sleep, I'm not sure that's the best, but I guess its not too late to change.

I learned from my Dad to not take care of myself- in regards to food and health. He would starve while he waited for someone to bring him his dinner. He was never self reliant in that way, it was so strange to think back that this big strong man was helpless. He would wait for my Mom or one of us to bring him his dinner, and if we didn't make dinner or didn't take it to him, he stayed in his room and went hungry. I will go all day and not eat, and its not until the day is half over that I realize I haven't eaten all day. I hate trying to figure out what to eat, it is such a burden! My Dad never went to the Dr. and in the end it was his distrust for the medical profession that was a factor in his death. He would rather die and save the money he would have spent on health care, than get the care he needed to live and be destitute. He believed he would die young, and he didn't want my Mom to have to be broke. He loved her so much. The last few months I have really been focusing on my own health because of my Dads death.... I guess that in doing so, I have realized that I want to live, but I want to live disease free. I believe it can be done, but its really scary for me to believe I can. I have learned that my body communicates with me, and I need to trust it. Part of why I am blogging is because I need to speak out for my own health. Its kind of complicated, but I will get to it... in another post.

I guess in a way I'm mad at my Dad for leaving me, I'm mad at him for not caring for himself better. But I know I am mad at him, because of my intense emotional longing for him. I miss him desperately, and there is no amount of blaming that will bring him back. I'm mad, cause I wasn't ready to lose him, I still need him and that's all that matters to me.

God bless you Dad, until we meet again....

Am I Crazy?

these are the reasons I could possibly be crazy

• I am always cold, yet I insist on eating ice
• I have the sense of smell of a coyote and we are not even related
• I sort stuff when I'm stressed out

I am of the mindset that anytime you add ice to your drink of choice, it automatically turns into a treat, like a slushy or something. but it has to be the right kind of ice, I'm very partial to my own ice that comes out of my freezer; and it has to be crushed, not cubed. In fact when I was working, I would take a huge container of crushed ice from my freezer to work and keep it in the fridge there, so I could have it in my water (or drink of choice) every day. It is kind of a security for me. However, I am always cold, and like blankets on my if I'm sitting for a long period of time. call me crazy.

my sense of smell drives me and my family crazy- I'm sitting in the side chair at this very minute, not on the couch because the couch is putting off this kind of pungent smell, like really stinky socks or someones sweaty armpits or a combination of both. My husband is kinda crude when he says that I can smell a fart before it comes out of someones colon, but its true! As far as super powers I could have thought of some others that would have been nicer to have. My son would rather me have some other power too. He is 15 and every time he sits down, I smell his feet, his socks even when he claims they are clean. My husband has this pair of shoes, that every time he sits down and I am within 3 feet of them, I can smell them, its not dirty sock smell, its like wearing your shoes out in the rain and having them get soaked through... then its after they dry.. smell. Its only this one pair of shoes, too... maybe I should burn them, or throw them to the dogs.

My son got home the other day from school, and I realized I might be crazy when I was so excited to show him what I had been doing all day- sorting a huge bag of buttons. I was so excited cause I had this epiphany that I could sell my button collection and make enough money to help support us. Its this bag of buttons I have had since my crafting days back when my daughter was 18 months old. (she is 19 now). I had them all divided out, then sorted into coordinating colors that matched, took pictures of the groups and put them on ksl.com to sell. I thought it was an ingenious idea! It wasn't until the buttons didn't sell, and I was back in the same room sorting another bag of stuff (screws, nails, and washers etc) that I wondered if there was something seriously wrong with me. I think things should have there own place to call home, even if the location of said home is only a place that I know about. that's not crazy now... is it?

Why am I blogging?

• the universe told me to speak up , so here I am
• my husband (bless his heart) can only listen for so long before he gets totally freaked out!
• everyone is doing it (or at least thats what I was told)

So here I go, answering the call and taking up time that I should be spending doing something else that is much more productive. (like finding a job) The guilt is killing me can you tell?? Or is the 4 pack of Twix bars, extra large Monster Rehab and the Salted nut roll that are talking? It was probably that and the goings on this morning that inspired this choice, or at least the decision to actually go through with it. (Of course I've been thinking about blogging for sometime now, who wouldn't its so easy and fun and therapeutic)

back to the universe> not that I am more worthy of being heard than anyone else, this is simply not true. it is true that my story is somewhat unique and interesting and full of juicy tidbits to keep anyone enticed. It might as well be on a blog, my story, better than being stuck inside my head, or being thrown at my husband like he's supposed to get me.

my husband> yes, he is a gem, and I love him, we have been married for almost 8 years, dear lord is that all??? It feels so wrong that it should only be 8 years, we have been through so much more than 8 years worth. Anyway, he is the classic couch potato, watching TV oh I would say easy 8 hours a day. (He is laid off his job and has been since Dec 22 2011, or somewhere around there). Way more time facing himself than any man should think he could deal with. He is losing it.

everyone is doing it> frankly I don't really care about what the masses are doing. Its just really not that important to me. I'm just more into real and honest. at least that is what I tell myself. and it is extremely difficult for me to be in a relationship that matters to me and not tell the honest truth. I really despise those people who are fake and really only care about the way they appear to others. I guess really I should cut them a break, I have read that when you have a problem with someone else its because that personality trait you see in them reminds you of something inside of you that you are not OK with. I'm sure this is true, but I would prefer to not be so conscious to that, cause frankly I have issues with some people, and that is what is honest for me. And ... well .. this is my blog afterall.