todays a new day.. yay!!

 

 I am happy to say that I survived my bad self yesterday and am so happy to still be here in existence today!! I feel so much better about things, not really cause that much is all that different.. well at least not that I can see. I am going to believe that my admittance of struggle in yesterdays blog was a good step toward creating something better.

~ Of course the first step is the admitting part.. and in a pretty public setting.. I might add. That was pretty scary, and my feelings and emotions were so raw and I shared them to the world!! (At least the part of the world that is reading this blog) So I am very proud of myself for taking that risk and sharing.

~ The next amazing thing is that I survived, literally , figuratively and emotionally. Not only did I survive, but I accepted my humanness, embraced my flaws and wrapped my arms around all of it by speaking it out. I really was just being real and really had no intentions of learning anything from it (in fact I was a bit freaked out after I posted it, to be very honest). However if there is one thing I have learned over the course of a year is that speaking my truth is essential to my well being.. it just is.

~ I love this little curly symbol that I keep typing, and I love that I get to see it when I push the <shift> key, because I believe that to shift something really can be as easy as pushing a button, it just really depends on us as to how big that button seems.

~ I learned a couple things about myself in light of yesterdays experiences; or I should say I RE learned them.  I need to talk things out in order to get the negative energy out of me. I am certain that talking them out in the form of writing in this blog is a great step, but having an actual person to share with creates an intimate experience that I long for and yet am super scared of with some people. My sweet daughter Brooke took the time to let me talk to her last night. She is always amazing to listen, give me feedback, let me cry and swear and be whatever it is I need to be with no conditions. It is so amazing to have her! I know that I needed support and that asking for support in and of itself is something I have struggled with yet it is something that I will continually strive to do. It gets a bit lonely on the island with no one else invited.

Well that's pretty much it for this post, I really just didn't want to leave all that stuff on the page without updating my current state of being. I'm really happy that I have a new perspective today, and honestly.... I think for today ...  that is enough.






        

Birds of a feather

I think I have reached an all time low, due to a very cold winter, a very harsh flu season, and just a general feeling of ickiness. I was telling my sister in an email that I have just been in a funk and I am really struggling to get over it. I am usually so willing to put my shoulder down, bend my knees, put my head to the side and face into the storm ahead, but this has been a real doozy. The fact that I am writing in this blog about it is evidence that this "thing" whatever it may be is not just a passing little dark cloud that goes away, just because I want it to. Usually I would wait to write when I was feeling truly inspired to do so, or when I really have a great message to share, and maybe the message is just this, that sometimes things are not great. Sometimes, it is difficult to see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel, and yet life still goes on. I have to tell myself that things will get better, that some kind of breakthrough is inevitable because really what else am I going to say? That things are going to continue to be bad? That just goes against everything that I am, everything that I have represented to be, and everything I have been taught by my incredible family to be.

Let me tell you a little about my family, it really is so demanding to be a part of my family, and yet I would never trade it for anything. My older sister who I absolutely admire so much has been struggling with some health issues and her and I were talking about how we feel this overwhelming sense of responsibility to excel in everything that we choose to do. Somehow in our upbringing or our DNA we have taken on this unrealistic expectation of ourselves to not just be good at things but to be outstanding in EVERYTHING, no holds barred, no exceptions, no excuses. And for the most part, I'm pretty sure we are all pretty outstanding, all 9 of us. Of course my parents are also outstanding in their own right as well, and no wonder we feel this enormous need to succeed. Failure is simply not an option, it is not acceptable, and it is not done. There is always a way to progress, to become better, to learn more, to be more disciplined, to try harder and to eventually conquer every demon that presents itself. The upside to all this is that we do have til our dying day to complete this task, we have time and as long as we use our time wisely and not squander our gifts... we should be alright, we should make it. Its kind of a lot of pressure, its probably because of this pressure that I am in a funk... maybe. Here I am, unemployed, house ridden due to my car being wrecked, sick again, not able to function or contribute to our finances, or really have incentive to do much of anything. My siblings being as awesome as they are, pulling resources together again on our behalf, and once again I am on the receiving end of this monetary gift rather than able to give abundantly to others as I would like to do. It is a theme in my life I know that, yet I don't know how to change it, I'm stumped. Now don't get me wrong and think that I am not appreciative, because I am so humbled and so grateful that I have such amazing siblings and parents that are so giving and loving, I guess it is just my hope that in someway I can repay them... again. I know I have worth, I know I love unconditionally, I know my heart is good and I try to be a good person, and maybe that is enough, I certainly am trying to be someone with integrity and a person that shows that on a daily basis, I am not perfect by any means, but then again who is.. really.

I understand that I have every opportunity to change my life, that it is only up to me to do it, and that I have so much that is great in my life to be happy about. Sometimes it would be easier if I didn't know these things, if I didn't truly believe that I am a force for good in the world, that my sphere of influence is beyond the realms of this very room. In some ways it really is easier to play small, to accept mediocrity and  blend in with your surroundings, I just was not born for that, I refuse to accept that, after all I am a Peacock. We are meant to stand tall, to be proud, to be seen and admired, its who we are. I was born into the Peacock name and therefore, I will find a way to live up to that... one beautiful feather at a time.

... to resolute or not to resolute...

In my past I have to be very honest, resolutions have really not gone very well.  I even did the whole routine of writing them down, putting them up on the mirror or somewhere I see them multiple times every day, because that's suppose to get it into your head and create the motivation to change whatever it is that needs to be changed. And then what happens?? The first time I miss out on working out, or I eat something sweet, or crave chocolate cause I'm on my period, I beat myself up for "failing" to have enough self discipline to accomplish my goal. It is at this point that the whole resolution process turns very wrong. I end up  eating the whole cake, or bag going to the gym altogether or just decide to sit on the couch and complain or better yet, yell and blame my unhappiness on everyone else. It is really an emotionally unhealthy practice for me, and really kind of a racket anyway isn't it? Who really benefits from this resolution process? As I see it,  it is pretty much the most perfect atmosphere for companies to sell a whole bunch of crap that few of us really need anyway. Its another way to keep us all wrapped up in the cycle of guilt and nonacceptance of our imperfect selves. We are all supposed to be the beautiful people... who have very few flaws, perfect homes, perfect kids and perfect lives. I guess that is probably why I choose to share mine and my family's normal bad behavior, simply put... because it is real. Does that mean that I don't want to improve myself or my life? No, that is not the case, I strive for self improvement at times to a fault, however, over the years my experiences have taught me that improvement comes more readily with acceptance of yourself as you stand right now in all your imperfections. Its the acceptance, the admittance and the claiming of our faults that creates that bridge to cross into choosing something different for our lives. The pure act of admitting we are human, that we falter, struggle and at times fall flat on our face is incredibly freeing. It is to a blossoming flower, pure sunshine, to a growing child, a Mother's kiss. Creating a feeling of nurturing within ourselves is not an easy task, many of us have never truly been taught how to self nurture, how to turn kindness inward upon our own dark or floundering places. I don't profess to be an expert by any means, it is a work in progress for me and is something I strive to do daily.  To love the parts of myself that I struggle with, like procrastination, disorganization, lack of drive and motivation to get moving. Nobody wants to feel like a hot mess and then tell everyone else all about it, we all try to put our best foot forward in order to feel validated. Really, we all can admit it, we care about how we look to others, why else would we try so hard to push an image of the perfect self out to the world... whether that be through social media, church, or at the grocery store down the street. Everyone is fake to a certain extent, we wear our social masks, our designer clothes and talk nicely to others around us, even when we are in a pissy mood. So why work so hard to create such an image, what is our real motive? What is it that we are so scared to let anyone know about ourselves? If you can answer that question, and really be honest with yourself, in every situation you will be amazed at what can happen in your life. So I guess if I must really decide on a resolution for this year, it is to be courageous and brave and shine that light into the dark places within my soul without the fear that my world will surely fall apart. It is my desire to share these things with others,  for me, this is the greatest form of empowerment, and enlightenment, call me crazy, you wouldn't be the first one to do so, in fact, I'm counting on it.