Birds of a feather

I think I have reached an all time low, due to a very cold winter, a very harsh flu season, and just a general feeling of ickiness. I was telling my sister in an email that I have just been in a funk and I am really struggling to get over it. I am usually so willing to put my shoulder down, bend my knees, put my head to the side and face into the storm ahead, but this has been a real doozy. The fact that I am writing in this blog about it is evidence that this "thing" whatever it may be is not just a passing little dark cloud that goes away, just because I want it to. Usually I would wait to write when I was feeling truly inspired to do so, or when I really have a great message to share, and maybe the message is just this, that sometimes things are not great. Sometimes, it is difficult to see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel, and yet life still goes on. I have to tell myself that things will get better, that some kind of breakthrough is inevitable because really what else am I going to say? That things are going to continue to be bad? That just goes against everything that I am, everything that I have represented to be, and everything I have been taught by my incredible family to be.

Let me tell you a little about my family, it really is so demanding to be a part of my family, and yet I would never trade it for anything. My older sister who I absolutely admire so much has been struggling with some health issues and her and I were talking about how we feel this overwhelming sense of responsibility to excel in everything that we choose to do. Somehow in our upbringing or our DNA we have taken on this unrealistic expectation of ourselves to not just be good at things but to be outstanding in EVERYTHING, no holds barred, no exceptions, no excuses. And for the most part, I'm pretty sure we are all pretty outstanding, all 9 of us. Of course my parents are also outstanding in their own right as well, and no wonder we feel this enormous need to succeed. Failure is simply not an option, it is not acceptable, and it is not done. There is always a way to progress, to become better, to learn more, to be more disciplined, to try harder and to eventually conquer every demon that presents itself. The upside to all this is that we do have til our dying day to complete this task, we have time and as long as we use our time wisely and not squander our gifts... we should be alright, we should make it. Its kind of a lot of pressure, its probably because of this pressure that I am in a funk... maybe. Here I am, unemployed, house ridden due to my car being wrecked, sick again, not able to function or contribute to our finances, or really have incentive to do much of anything. My siblings being as awesome as they are, pulling resources together again on our behalf, and once again I am on the receiving end of this monetary gift rather than able to give abundantly to others as I would like to do. It is a theme in my life I know that, yet I don't know how to change it, I'm stumped. Now don't get me wrong and think that I am not appreciative, because I am so humbled and so grateful that I have such amazing siblings and parents that are so giving and loving, I guess it is just my hope that in someway I can repay them... again. I know I have worth, I know I love unconditionally, I know my heart is good and I try to be a good person, and maybe that is enough, I certainly am trying to be someone with integrity and a person that shows that on a daily basis, I am not perfect by any means, but then again who is.. really.

I understand that I have every opportunity to change my life, that it is only up to me to do it, and that I have so much that is great in my life to be happy about. Sometimes it would be easier if I didn't know these things, if I didn't truly believe that I am a force for good in the world, that my sphere of influence is beyond the realms of this very room. In some ways it really is easier to play small, to accept mediocrity and  blend in with your surroundings, I just was not born for that, I refuse to accept that, after all I am a Peacock. We are meant to stand tall, to be proud, to be seen and admired, its who we are. I was born into the Peacock name and therefore, I will find a way to live up to that... one beautiful feather at a time.