I don't know where it all went wrong, except that it started out as a Monday, and that's just asking for a reason to make it a bad day!
In fact, its the Monday after my Birthday which was absolutely lovely and amazing and short. Just one day?? I think birthday week should be an automatic thing after you reach 40, cause really, its a pretty awesome accomplishment!
So back to the day that started out.. and ended like a Monday. I get to work, at my normal time to have people waiting outside my door... wanting stuff.. unscheduled stuff that interfered with my normal "get in get settled and tackle the day time." That is vital to my functioning!! AArrgghhh
So I patiently help the first guy, then the next girl then the next guy.. which WAS scheduled, but which I was not prepared for because.. I was preoccupied and otherwise busy with #1 and #2 customer as previously stated.. Anyway... The only good thing at this point is that customer #3 has a major crush on me, and since I'm his property manager.. its not exactly appropriate for him to "technically" hit on me. And more importantly ... I am a happily married woman, and not at all interested in him romantically; however.. its kinda fun to know that I can still make a guy stammer and stutter in my presence. :) After all, I did just have my birthday.. and yes; maybe I'm feeling a little bit of a mid life crisis mood coming on; not really... but kinda.
Of course as soon as my husband gets home; its on! Yes! Mama needs some love and there's only one big guy for me and that's not Mr. GQ G Street, but I have to admit... its kind of fun being "not" hit on by a considerably younger guy, I know.. its purely an ego thing.. and today.. I'm not that girl that is "above" all that, it happens... my human side comes out every so often.
And the mornings off... with plenty of hitches... Yay! In the moments I take in the bathroom; you know doing what a girl does.. I do have to admire that I have dressed so very smartly in business slacks; jacket while mixing in a flirty color ensemble of bright pink and baby blue, and I'm feeling pretty great... until I look at my face in the mirror and notice that the 20... no 30 minute zit and blackhead squeezing session I had last night is showing up on my face and I'm feeling self conscious about it! AArrggghhhh!! I have a walk through inspection with an owner, I have never met, and I was really trying to make a good impression... of course I smiled and told myself to completely leave all judgments of this woman and what she might be like and what she might think of me at the door. It is my best shot of really making a good impression; no inadvertent negative emotional energy coming out of me... just breathe... whew.. that was close. Now if she just looks at my eyes.. not my face!... it went good, I think the positive pep talk worked. Oh of course, I hope she is able to overlook the fact that I drove my big gnarly truck into the garbage cans at her property while trying to get out of a no parking zone to avoid the probable ticket that would have happened.. oh boy... then the phone call from the lovely owner, informing me that I left the property keys inside the 2nd rental unit; but now I'm already on my way back up the hill.. and really not wanting to face her again! Did I already mention my smart jacket ensemble....?? yes?
< This is me.. all jacked up on enlightenment overload.. and realizing I am just a girl with leftover birthday pie at home.. calling my name. >
Back to the office, just in time to pick up the messages, gather my stuff, and cruise off to deliver furniture to my adult kiddos who are just starting out and penniless but 2nd hand furniture rich.. thanks to me, their loving, giving, caring Mom who picks up living room chairs and tosses them into the truck in a single bound. I really did that.. it was impressive, I might add.
Its upon my drive back home, when I'm realizing that the mouse on my computer is totally messing with my tendinitis in my mouse hand and my office chair is completely jacking up my sciatica, oh yes but this is after I find out that my child support check that is supposed to be automatically deposited by the 20th has yet to arrive and my account is almost bouncing, so I run to the bank on my way to delivering furniture to rescue my account with my saved up money that I was planning on buying my amazingly studly husband a birthday gift.. his birthday is 2 weeks after mine and I'm still so blown away by the lovely gift he gave me... and was so looking forward to getting something for him as equally impressive... sigh.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I hear Alicia Keys song lyrics.. "this girl is on fire!"
I think the fire just petered oout.. Oh yes, the days not over, on my way home, my boss texts me a reminder for the 1/2 day seminar coming up that I have to attend, no exceptions AND my maintenance guy just informed me that "yes, it would be best for me to do the move out walk thru inspection of our latest property to come up for rent". Yippee! Of course I would be glad to... I have so much time on my hands.. really. I'll just do it tomorrow on my way to serving the 3 day pay or vacate notice.. and the 30 day move out notice on my way to the property showing, which just happens to be 30 miles in the opposite direction.
I just figure its all going to be okay, I'm almost home, AND the traffic is moving right along... I remember that I just ran out of my meds and attempting to salvage this day from the depths of Hell, I figure I'll just drop it off at the pharmacy tonight, so I can pick it up in the morning on my way to work. Of course, just as I am busy patting myself on the back for such foresight the lovely lady at the pharmacy tells me they are all out of that particular medication and I'll have to go somewhere else. yippee.
Oh well, screw it, I'm done.. I pull in the driveway just in time for my son to be taking his girlfriend home, which I might add, is against the rules for him to be here alone with his girlfriend; and I ask him if he has fed the dogs in which he informs me he has not. So I bark at him to get back there and get them fed! As I'm gathering my stuff, readying myself to plop down in my chair... my son informs me we are out of dog food. #@WQ%$#T% yes .. I just said that.
Is it really any wonder why the first destructive thing I do is go for round 2 of the face picking??? Disgusted I figure there's really only one thing to do. Finish off that pie... after all... its my party... pity or otherwise.. my puppies.. Kujo and Missy really like pie... they can come to my party.
Tomorrow will be better... simply because it is Tuesday, I love Tuesdays... almost as much as I love pie.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Seasons of Change
Its a new day full of possibilities, opportunities, connections and spiritual awareness!
Something amazing has been happening over the last few months within me that is undeniable. It is significant enough that it has created a disconnect with how I am identifying now with my blog as it has been labeled since its inception. Its time to make a change! I would like to introduce my new blog:
~Simple Honest Expressions~
Formerly known as Brutally Honest Conversations.
I have realized that my life has changed, and I no longer want to encourage and sustain anything in my life that can be described as "brutal." It is true that many of my entries over the past couple of years have been deep, and full of struggle and chock full of raw emotion; but I see all of that under a new heading, a new heading ..." Honest." This is not to discount anything I have written, because what I know to be true in the human experience, is that at times life is difficult, and sometimes things go wrong, and sometimes you want to give up and in that moment of struggle, things can feel very brutal. With that being said... we make it to the next day, to the next moment, to the next hour; and there is a shift from the feelings of despair, to a ray of hope... It is that part of honest that I want to encourage and create through this blog. I want my words to go out into the world as encouraging expressions that are both authentic and honest, hopeful and simple. And I want you to be a part of my world,, your expressions are so very welcomed, and appreciated. We are all spiritually connected, and if you are reading this, you are being pulled ever so gently into my world, and I... into yours. I feel honored to be a part of it. So thank you, for staying, for being a part of my cyber world and for at times, sharing your thoughts, comments and feelings. I look forward to many more to come!
In Simple Truth Always
Your humble blogger
Lori
Monday, September 2, 2013
Successfully, Once. Its a great start.
I have been thinking about my blog for some time now and really feeling the pull to get back to the computer and write write write! I have been otherwise occupied working a "real" job and learning everything there is to know about my new company. Now don't get me wrong by assuming that I am complaining or otherwise dissing on working, because I have learned over the last month that how you do anything is how you do everything and that means I am very much engaged in my transformational process now; as I was when I was just hanging out, working in my shop; aka my carport/driveway where I transform degenerate pieces of furniture into wonderful unique works of art!
With that being said, I have to give a shout out to challenging yourself as well as taking risks within a healthy framework, because without these two things, I would not be standing here, in this particular time continuum that can be described as simply amazing! I am literally looking at myself in the mirror and wondering who this new strong, confident, no nonsense beautiful woman is that is staring back at me?!
And I would of course like to thank my peeps who have backed me, supported me, talked me down from the ledge, or at least from the window looking out at the ledge, who are always in my corner, patting me down, waving the smelling salts under my nose when needed and steering me in the right direction; you know who you are, and as always; I am so grateful for you!
So lets just skip to the best part ... let me just tell you what I've been up to the last month. In less than a months time I went from unemployed to employed, with a job that literally just dropped in my lap, that I was able to acquire by word of mouth only, I succeeded in negotiating all aspects of that job to fit my ideal pretty much right on, from the rate of pay that I wanted as well as the benefits that I was asking for. I have the flexibility I love to have; and I am very much able to do the job as I feel it should be done, AND it has growth opportunity, which is a must. Bonus!
I had the opportunity to flex my new <standing in my space and owning it > muscles right off the bat when I met my boss for the first time; I was on a roll! So you know when you are at the gym and you haven't been for awhile and you overdo it just a little... well that kinda happened, but it was okay! I managed to not only speak my truth, and silly me... I really was not aware that I was screaming my truth; but the 2nd time I really had a conversation with my new boss, that's what happened. I screamed my truth at him.
The details are a bit fuzzy.. but I'm pretty sure I was a bit hyped up, stressed out, emotionally charged and at the end of a very busy week when this occurred. I was so much in my own world (due to the emotionally charged part) that it didn't even occur to me until Monday morning when I was meeting with my boss, that I really overreacted the previous Friday. We had a good come down to earth conversation and I owned all my poorly timed behavior in which he was VERY clear about such things NOT happening again, and we were able to get back to the task at hand; of getting on the same page once again. What a rush! Whew! Thank you God and all my spirit guides for saving my bacon! In a way, it was great to fully feel my position from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head, because more often than not I underact in these types of situations; and then proceed to reenact said situations at home to my husband, or in the car while driving home, or to anyone who cares to listen. And well.. now at least I know that I mean business, No means NO, and yes means YES and all that sort of thing is very clear.. at least for the time being. Its been a long time coming, and it feels great!
So now I'm really on a roll, and I am realizing bit by bit that this is becoming the new and improved ME! What has me really reeling is that this new way of being applies to my entire life, and all my relationships that matter to me. And that is kinda great, and kinda scary at the same time, cause what if this happens.. and what if that happens??? And etc. etc. etc.
Jump to the next encounter,.... I decide to confront my old self about what it really is that I want in my primary relationship, and I look my old self in the eye and demand to hear the truth, cause I know a BS story when I hear one... and the ones I've been telling .. mostly to myself about this relationship.. is BS. And this new self.. well she's not putting up with it! I really put her in her place... now the tough part, letting my husband in on it. Owning it. Standing in it. I did that part, I did good, and then I collapsed in his arms and cried all over him and told him how much I missed him. It was a good moment, and it was Truth to my core, and it felt so good!
Next encounter.. now the really tough one, I realized that I have no control over my husband, or whether he chooses to do anything else at this point except exactly what he wants to do.. and guess what?.. I get to choose exactly what I want to do. The end.. I get to choose it, and whatever I choose is what I get. If I'm mad, then I'm mad. I get to own it, and then I get to choose what I do next.
That really sounds simple right?!
I know I haven't spoken much about my husbands "story" or my idea of his story. And it really only matters if a definition is necessary to continue. But what I realize throughout this encounter is that its just not that important to define it specifically. What I can say is that I decided to try something different. I walked away from him, stating my position clearly and calmly, let him be with himself, and I faced my own fearful energy brewing inside of me. I calmed my breathing and focused on my body; paying attention to each area of tension and fear, and acknowledged that it was there, and in a way.. it was the acceptance of this scariness within me without the demand to quit it, or change it, that eventually allowed me to move through it. It left, the scariness, the uncertainty, the demands to comply, and the self loathing. And what was left over, was just Me, and my loving self. And that loving self, loves people.
What could have been wasn't; because I tried something different. I didn't know I could do it, and now, I know that I have done it... Successfully, once, well maybe twice.. And really ... I believe that's a great start. :)
With that being said, I have to give a shout out to challenging yourself as well as taking risks within a healthy framework, because without these two things, I would not be standing here, in this particular time continuum that can be described as simply amazing! I am literally looking at myself in the mirror and wondering who this new strong, confident, no nonsense beautiful woman is that is staring back at me?!
And I would of course like to thank my peeps who have backed me, supported me, talked me down from the ledge, or at least from the window looking out at the ledge, who are always in my corner, patting me down, waving the smelling salts under my nose when needed and steering me in the right direction; you know who you are, and as always; I am so grateful for you!
So lets just skip to the best part ... let me just tell you what I've been up to the last month. In less than a months time I went from unemployed to employed, with a job that literally just dropped in my lap, that I was able to acquire by word of mouth only, I succeeded in negotiating all aspects of that job to fit my ideal pretty much right on, from the rate of pay that I wanted as well as the benefits that I was asking for. I have the flexibility I love to have; and I am very much able to do the job as I feel it should be done, AND it has growth opportunity, which is a must. Bonus!
I had the opportunity to flex my new <standing in my space and owning it > muscles right off the bat when I met my boss for the first time; I was on a roll! So you know when you are at the gym and you haven't been for awhile and you overdo it just a little... well that kinda happened, but it was okay! I managed to not only speak my truth, and silly me... I really was not aware that I was screaming my truth; but the 2nd time I really had a conversation with my new boss, that's what happened. I screamed my truth at him.
The details are a bit fuzzy.. but I'm pretty sure I was a bit hyped up, stressed out, emotionally charged and at the end of a very busy week when this occurred. I was so much in my own world (due to the emotionally charged part) that it didn't even occur to me until Monday morning when I was meeting with my boss, that I really overreacted the previous Friday. We had a good come down to earth conversation and I owned all my poorly timed behavior in which he was VERY clear about such things NOT happening again, and we were able to get back to the task at hand; of getting on the same page once again. What a rush! Whew! Thank you God and all my spirit guides for saving my bacon! In a way, it was great to fully feel my position from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head, because more often than not I underact in these types of situations; and then proceed to reenact said situations at home to my husband, or in the car while driving home, or to anyone who cares to listen. And well.. now at least I know that I mean business, No means NO, and yes means YES and all that sort of thing is very clear.. at least for the time being. Its been a long time coming, and it feels great!
So now I'm really on a roll, and I am realizing bit by bit that this is becoming the new and improved ME! What has me really reeling is that this new way of being applies to my entire life, and all my relationships that matter to me. And that is kinda great, and kinda scary at the same time, cause what if this happens.. and what if that happens??? And etc. etc. etc.
Jump to the next encounter,.... I decide to confront my old self about what it really is that I want in my primary relationship, and I look my old self in the eye and demand to hear the truth, cause I know a BS story when I hear one... and the ones I've been telling .. mostly to myself about this relationship.. is BS. And this new self.. well she's not putting up with it! I really put her in her place... now the tough part, letting my husband in on it. Owning it. Standing in it. I did that part, I did good, and then I collapsed in his arms and cried all over him and told him how much I missed him. It was a good moment, and it was Truth to my core, and it felt so good!
Next encounter.. now the really tough one, I realized that I have no control over my husband, or whether he chooses to do anything else at this point except exactly what he wants to do.. and guess what?.. I get to choose exactly what I want to do. The end.. I get to choose it, and whatever I choose is what I get. If I'm mad, then I'm mad. I get to own it, and then I get to choose what I do next.
That really sounds simple right?!
I know I haven't spoken much about my husbands "story" or my idea of his story. And it really only matters if a definition is necessary to continue. But what I realize throughout this encounter is that its just not that important to define it specifically. What I can say is that I decided to try something different. I walked away from him, stating my position clearly and calmly, let him be with himself, and I faced my own fearful energy brewing inside of me. I calmed my breathing and focused on my body; paying attention to each area of tension and fear, and acknowledged that it was there, and in a way.. it was the acceptance of this scariness within me without the demand to quit it, or change it, that eventually allowed me to move through it. It left, the scariness, the uncertainty, the demands to comply, and the self loathing. And what was left over, was just Me, and my loving self. And that loving self, loves people.
What could have been wasn't; because I tried something different. I didn't know I could do it, and now, I know that I have done it... Successfully, once, well maybe twice.. And really ... I believe that's a great start. :)
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