I hide

I hide inside myself with no glimmer of emotion- except pain and sorrow cleverly disguised as anger, hatred and rage.

Pushing the door closed with all my might- as those closest to me devise new ways to prop the door open while I'm not looking. Wanting to keep me suspended in beauty and familiarity rather than see my ugliness.

The ugliness only I know, that threatens me at every turn, to show off its gnarly features, and finally expose my inner and outer beauty; my God spark as a fraud.

This ugliness; eager to step in as the nature of my true self; this deformed creature with shame and vile emotion cleverly disguised as love.

I long to trust- trust that the outside world can look beyond the flaws; believe that they see a beauty that I can't see; and promise not to run at the first site of morbidity.

I'm not a Monster, I'm just a girl.

A girl trapped in her own head, and demented patterns of shameful glances and distorted views. Who's easily distracted and readily categorized by those who know her best.

Its only the strangers who see her for who she is.
Its in strangers where she finds comfort, acceptance and warmth. Safe behind walls of anonymity and carefully crafted persona's. Keeping the girl screaming behind dungeon walls; damp dark and foreboding - her strained and failing voice making a safe reverberation.

Secure in the knowing; that the persistent wailing will only be heard by the body that encapsulates her. 

46 going on 13

Lori and Jeff sittin in a tree..

K I S S I N G

It only took me 2 weeks to figure out what's been going on with me lately. That's pretty good considering.. it only took me 25 years to realize that heavy petting is considered foreplay.  Now it all makes perfect sense! I've been bouncing back and forth from being 13 to 46 and then back to 13. Its been an absolutely crazy mind blowing couple of weeks, but I'm super glad I'm finally getting some clarity.

What I realize now looking back, is I don't think I'm the only one this has happened to. In fact I think if we could all admit that a shy, awkward, self absorbed, hormonal, boy crazy teenage girl lives inside all of us, we would all be much better off. Admitting your an addict is the first step right?? This only counts for girls, by the way... boys, its well understood that they remain 14 for the duration of their lives! But girls... oh no.. we have to grow up, its a requirement!

Its kinda fun to be THAT girl, to tap into that inner self sometimes... it works particularly nice at slumber parties and Sisters retreats and all night game and ice cream socials, cause that's what we used to live for back in the day! In fact I remember how exciting it all was... YES,  because I've been rediscovering  my sweet teen self... for weeks now.. much to the confusion and amusement of my colleagues, husband, and random cute boys that I've run across in my many travels. 

 Oh my... how to even begin to explain.

So when you are a person like me, and your 13 year old self comes back, it usually means something. She needs something.. My inner teenager is desperately longing for healing, for love, for acceptance, for reassurance... and I know, I'm the only one that can give it to her. Because I have chosen to be present to ANYthing that comes up in my life, without  judgment. I have chosen this, because I want to rise to the next level of living, of sharing, of loving,... and God is SO good to show me what I need to do in order to become my very best self.

For months now I have been learning more and more about who I really am. What is a part of my essence or my core, and what is a defense behavior or a result of uncleared emotional trauma. And one thing I know without a doubt is that I am so full of Love for people! My very best self loves everyone! I have finally been able to trust myself fully with this newly acknowledged gift, and I have finally become brave enough  to give of myself and reach out and its been so awesome! Things have been going along just fine.. and then..

Enter situation one: Its while doing this very thing (expressing myself, reaching out, trusting myself)  that I crossed a line, and asked a married man who I met professionally a very personal question that was easily misconstrued as a come on, even though that wasn't my conscious intent.. or I should say, not my grown up intent. Of course my naive little 13 year old self has a different idea and she jumps in and continues the conversation, while my adult self is grasping to understand what the hell is going on.. and what has possessed me to do such an irresponsible thing?!?!  Of course because I keep nothing from my husband, I shared this text message conversation with him; and he is dumbfounded. He too is wondering what the hell has happened to his reasonable 46 year old wife, but he also knows my history, and he is visibly shaken by what I have just told him. I try to explain to my husband what my true intent was, but the whole situation has triggered him and he is past listening to anything, and I didn't  blame him. I was a bit shocked and dumbfounded myself. What ensues is a very intense conversation between us, and then more questions directed inward in an effort to figure it all out.


Enter Situation two: I meet another man, who is single and considerably younger than me. He comes in to my office and is kind of awkward and nervous and inadvertently throws off this vibe.. that I am instantly attracted to. Of course.. its my 13 yr. old.. who is attracted. Remember back in Jr. high when it was kind of cute when the nerdy shy kid had a crush on you? And secretly you were flattered but you would never tell your girlfriends about it? Who wanted to be known as the girl the "nerd" was in love with? It was that kind of a vibe.. and I was secretly flattered... Well that's all fine and good.. until something goes wrong, you have a particularly bad day, and you really need a friend to talk to.. and the nerdy guy is the only available one.. or more accurately the only one you dare talk to.. when you are so upset. Yes.. you guessed it... I called him, and asked him if he would like to be my friend.... and amazingly.. he was available (insert sarcasm)... so we met up for coffee. And of course I explained that I was not interested in anything else but friendship.. and once again... my husband is shaking his head... when I call to tell him all about it,  but is very happy that I am disclosing it all to him, rather than keeping it a secret.

What the CRAP is wrong with me?? Seriously.. I know some of you who are reading this are shaking your head too. In fact, I would venture to say that some of you are really disgusted, and may never read my blog again. Its okay, really I understand. I was one of those people too, believe it or not. I would just ask you to stop and ask yourself the question before you swear me off and delete me as a friend;  Who do I remind you of? Because what you think of me, is none of my business, and your judgment of me has absolutely nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you. The only difference between us might be that I am openly admitting my behavior, in front of the world and God and everyone else, and you might just choose to admit your faults privately, and that's perfectly OK. The fact is, we are all human, we all make mistakes.

To tell you the honest truth, I have had such crazy emotional highs and lows and periods of complete self hatred and self loathing the last few weeks, and its been difficult to comprehend it all myself. My behavior has brought back waves of emotional shame, despair, and hopelessness, and has had me questioning the direction and intention of my new found autonomy. The fact that I'm writing and sharing this with the world is evidence that I'm sincerely seeking answers and coming to the realization that my healing work is just beginning. Once again, I choose to talk openly about these things, and poke some fun at myself, its really quite therapeutic for me. I know, its kind of warped. I have had the emotional upheaval, and tears, and more tears. Thankfully I have some amazing people in my life to lend support, to hug me, listen to me and love me; without judgment; and for that I am truly grateful.

Oh there have been other behaviors I have demonstrated in the last couple weeks as further evidence as to my emotional regression that are thankfully far less risky, but represent my teen self to a tee. Finding the urge to doodle, and buying a new notebook for my doodles. Talking incessantly to my husband about all the gossipy stuff. Saying "like" and "super" a lot! Swearing, especially saying the F word; that's super fun! Eating junk food, staying up late, breaking out, picking my face, fidgeting whenever I'm next to a cute boy and finding amusement when someone on the freeway "checks me out". All very Jr high ish for sure.

Needless to say, I have had some cleaning up to do, some communications to deliver and have spent much time prying out the foot that I recklessly  lodged in my mouth. I don't like the taste of leather, and cleaning up is so tedious. My 13 year old self never did like cleaning up.

One realization that has come through all of this is that I desperately want real connection in my life. I want to have friends, and its obvious that I don't know how to go about attracting good friends. Girlfriends, not boyfriends! Boys need not apply! I used to say that girls were stupid and that I couldn't be friends with them. I now know where that mentality came from. My husband always says: "of course you could make friends with boys, cause they only want one thing." I can admit it, he is right. So if you are a girl, out in the world, and you need a friend, I would love to apply for the job! Of course you will have to put up with incessant gossiping; late night splurging and an occasional swear word.. or two. Cause we all know, I'm far from perfect. 

Gwen Stefani's song "I'm just a girl" kinda fits where I have been. " I am just a girl in the world, that's all that you'll let me be.."

The moment that I step outside
So many reasons for me to run and hide
I can't do the little things I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things that I fear

 

'Cause I'm just a girl, I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive late at night
Oh, I'm just a girl, guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare with their eyes

 

Oh, I'm just a girl, take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype
Oh, I've had it up to here
Oh, am I making myself clear?

Metro Lyrics



I'm finally ready to choose something else, to put myself out there, and  take another risk. This time, I've got my hammer and nail; I'm putting out the sign.

readynutrition.com

Its my party and I'll eat the whole pie if I want to

I don't know where it all went wrong, except that it started out as a Monday, and that's just asking for a reason to make it a bad day!

In fact, its the Monday after my Birthday which was absolutely lovely and amazing and short. Just one day?? I think birthday week should be an automatic thing after you reach 40, cause really, its a pretty awesome accomplishment!

So back to the day that started out.. and ended like a Monday. I get to work, at my normal time to have people waiting outside my door... wanting stuff.. unscheduled stuff that interfered with my normal "get in get settled and tackle the day time." That is vital to my functioning!! AArrgghhh

So I patiently help the first guy, then the next girl then the next guy.. which WAS scheduled, but which I was not prepared for because.. I was preoccupied and otherwise busy with #1 and #2 customer as previously stated.. Anyway...  The only good thing at this point is that customer #3  has a major crush on me, and since I'm his property manager.. its not exactly appropriate for him to "technically" hit on me. And more importantly ... I am a happily married woman, and not at all interested in him romantically; however.. its kinda fun to know that I can still make a guy stammer and stutter in my presence. :) After all, I did just have my birthday.. and yes; maybe I'm feeling a little bit of a mid life crisis mood coming on; not really... but kinda.

Of course as soon as my husband gets home; its on! Yes! Mama needs some love and there's only one big guy for me and that's not Mr. GQ G Street, but I have to admit... its kind of fun being "not" hit on by a considerably younger guy, I know.. its purely an ego thing.. and today.. I'm not that girl that is "above" all that, it happens... my human side comes out every so often.

And the mornings off... with plenty of hitches... Yay! In the moments I take in the bathroom; you know doing what a girl does.. I do have to admire that I have dressed so very smartly in business slacks; jacket while mixing in a flirty color ensemble of bright pink and baby blue, and I'm feeling pretty great... until I look at my face in the mirror and notice that the 20... no 30 minute zit and blackhead squeezing session I had last night is showing up on my face and I'm feeling self conscious about it! AArrggghhhh!! I have a walk through inspection with an owner, I have never met, and I was really trying to make a good impression... of course I smiled and told myself to completely leave all judgments of this woman and what she might be like and what she might think of me at the door. It is my best shot of really making a good impression; no inadvertent negative emotional energy coming out of me... just breathe... whew.. that was close. Now if she just looks at my eyes.. not my face!... it went good, I think the positive pep talk worked. Oh of course, I hope she is able to overlook the fact that I drove my big gnarly truck into the garbage cans at her property while trying to get out of a no parking zone to avoid the probable ticket that would have happened.. oh boy... then the phone call from the lovely owner, informing me that I left the property keys inside the 2nd rental unit; but now I'm already on my way back up the hill.. and really not wanting to face her again! Did I already mention my smart jacket ensemble....?? yes?

< This is me.. all jacked up on enlightenment overload.. and realizing I am just a girl  with leftover birthday pie at home.. calling my name. >

Back to the office, just in time to pick up the messages, gather my stuff, and cruise off to deliver furniture to my adult kiddos who are just starting out and penniless but 2nd hand furniture rich.. thanks to me, their loving, giving, caring Mom who picks up living room chairs and tosses them into the truck in a single bound. I really did that.. it was impressive, I might add.

Its upon my drive back home, when I'm realizing that the mouse on my computer is totally messing with my tendinitis in my mouse hand and my office chair is completely jacking up my sciatica, oh yes but this is after I find out that my child support check that is supposed to be automatically  deposited by the 20th has yet to arrive and my account is almost bouncing, so I run to the bank on my way to delivering furniture to rescue my account with my saved up money that I was planning on buying my amazingly studly husband a birthday gift.. his birthday is 2 weeks after mine and I'm still so blown away by the lovely gift he gave me... and was so looking forward to getting something for him as equally impressive... sigh.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I hear Alicia Keys song lyrics.. "this girl is on fire!"

I think the fire just petered oout.. Oh yes, the days not over, on my way home, my boss texts me a reminder for the 1/2 day seminar coming up that I have to attend, no exceptions AND my maintenance guy just informed me that "yes, it would be best for me to do the move out walk thru inspection of our latest property to come up for rent". Yippee! Of course I would be glad to... I have so much time on my hands.. really. I'll just do it tomorrow on my way to serving the 3 day pay or vacate notice.. and the 30 day move out notice on my way to the property showing, which just happens to be 30 miles in the opposite direction.

I just figure its all going to be okay, I'm almost home, AND the traffic is moving right along... I remember that I just ran out of my meds and attempting to salvage this day from the depths of Hell, I figure I'll just drop it off at the pharmacy tonight, so I can pick it up in the morning on my way to work. Of course, just as I am busy patting myself on the back for  such foresight the lovely lady at the pharmacy tells me they are all  out of that particular medication and I'll have to go somewhere else. yippee.

Oh well, screw it, I'm done..  I pull in the driveway just in time for my son to be taking his girlfriend home, which I might add, is against the rules for him to be here alone with his girlfriend; and I ask him if he has fed the dogs in which he informs me he has not. So I bark at him to get back there and get them fed! As I'm gathering my stuff, readying myself to plop down in my chair... my son informs me we are out of dog food. #@WQ%$#T% yes .. I just said that.

Is it really any wonder why the first destructive thing I do is go for round 2 of the face picking??? Disgusted I figure there's really only one thing to do. Finish off that pie... after all... its my party... pity or otherwise.. my puppies.. Kujo and Missy really like pie... they can come to my party.

Tomorrow will be better... simply because it is Tuesday, I love Tuesdays... almost as much as I love pie.

Seasons of Change

Its a new day full of possibilities, opportunities, connections and spiritual awareness!

Something amazing has been happening over the last few months within me that is undeniable. It is significant enough that it has created a disconnect with how I am identifying now with  my blog as it has been labeled since its inception. Its time to make a change!  I would like to introduce my new blog:


~Simple Honest Expressions~


Formerly known as Brutally Honest Conversations. 

 I have realized that my life has changed, and I no longer want to encourage and sustain anything in my life that can be described as "brutal." It is true that many of my entries over the past couple of years have been deep, and full of struggle and chock full of raw emotion; but I see all of that under a new heading, a new heading ..." Honest." This is not to discount anything I have written, because what I know to be true in the human experience, is that at times life is difficult, and sometimes things go wrong, and sometimes you want to give up and in that moment of struggle, things can feel very brutal.  With that being said... we make it to the next day, to the next moment, to the next hour; and there is a shift from the feelings of despair, to a ray of hope... It is that part of honest that I want to encourage and create through this blog.  I want my  words to go out into the world as encouraging expressions that are both authentic and honest, hopeful and simple.  And I want you to be a part of my world,, your expressions are so very welcomed, and appreciated. We are all spiritually connected, and if you are reading this, you are being pulled ever so gently into my world, and I... into yours. I feel honored to be a part of it. So thank you, for staying, for being a part of my cyber world and for at times, sharing your thoughts, comments and feelings. I look forward to many more to come!

In Simple Truth Always
Your humble blogger
Lori

Successfully, Once. Its a great start.

 I have been thinking about my blog for some time now and really feeling the pull to get back to the computer and write write write! I have been otherwise occupied working a "real" job and learning everything there is to know about my new company. Now don't get me wrong by assuming that I am complaining or otherwise dissing on working, because I have learned over the last month that how you do anything is how you do everything and that means I am very much engaged in my transformational process now; as I was when I was just hanging out, working in my shop; aka my carport/driveway where I transform degenerate pieces of furniture into wonderful unique works of art!

With that being said, I have to give a shout out to challenging yourself as well as taking risks within a healthy framework, because without these two things, I would not be standing here, in this particular time continuum that can be described as simply amazing! I am literally looking at myself in the mirror and wondering who this new strong, confident, no nonsense beautiful woman is that is staring back at me?! 

And I would of course like to thank my peeps who have backed me, supported me, talked me down from the ledge, or at least from the window looking out at the ledge, who are always in my corner, patting me down, waving the smelling salts under my nose when needed and steering me in the right direction; you know who you are, and as always; I am so grateful for you!

So lets just skip to the best part ...  let me just tell you what I've been up to the last month. In less than a months time I went from unemployed to employed, with a job that literally just dropped in my lap, that I was able to acquire by word of mouth only, I succeeded in negotiating all aspects of that job to fit my ideal pretty much right on, from the rate of pay that I wanted as well as the benefits that I was asking for. I have the flexibility I love to have; and I am very much able to do the job as I feel it should be done,  AND it has growth opportunity, which is a must.  Bonus!

I had the opportunity to flex my new <standing in my space and owning it > muscles right off the bat when I met my boss for the first time; I was on a roll! So you know when you are at the gym and you haven't been for awhile and you overdo it just a little... well that kinda happened, but it was okay! I managed to not only speak my truth, and silly me... I really was not aware that I was screaming my truth; but the 2nd time I really had a conversation with my new boss, that's what happened. I screamed my truth at him.

The details are a bit fuzzy.. but I'm pretty sure I was a bit hyped up, stressed out, emotionally charged and at the end of a very busy week when this occurred. I was so much in my own world (due to the emotionally charged part) that it didn't even occur to me until Monday morning when I was meeting with my boss, that I really overreacted the previous Friday. We had a good come down to earth conversation and I owned all my poorly timed behavior in which he was VERY clear about such things NOT happening again,  and we were able to get back to the task at hand; of getting on the same page once again. What a rush! Whew! Thank you God and all my spirit guides for saving my bacon! In a way, it was great to fully feel my position from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head, because more often than not I underact in these types of situations; and then proceed to reenact said situations at home to my husband, or in the car while driving home, or to anyone who cares to listen. And well.. now at least  I know that I mean business, No means NO, and yes means YES and all that sort of thing is very clear.. at least for the time being.  Its been a long time coming, and it feels great!

So now I'm really on a roll, and I am realizing bit by bit that this is becoming the new and improved ME! What has me really reeling is that this new way of being applies to my entire life, and all my relationships that matter to me. And that is kinda great, and kinda scary at the same time, cause what if this happens.. and what if that happens??? And etc. etc. etc.

Jump to the next encounter,....  I decide to confront my old self about what it really is that I want in my primary relationship,  and I look my old self in the eye and demand to hear the truth, cause I know a BS story when I hear one... and the ones I've been telling .. mostly to myself about this relationship.. is BS. And this new self.. well she's not putting up with it! I really put her in her place... now the tough part, letting my husband in on it. Owning it. Standing in it. I did that part, I did good, and then I collapsed in his arms and cried all over him and told him how much I missed him. It was a good moment, and it was Truth to my core, and it felt so good!

Next encounter.. now the really tough one, I realized that I have no control over my husband, or whether he chooses to do anything else at this point except exactly what he wants to do.. and guess what?.. I get to choose exactly what I want to do. The end.. I get to choose it, and whatever I choose is what I get. If I'm mad, then I'm mad. I get to own it, and then I get to choose what I do next.

That really sounds simple right?!

I know I haven't spoken much about my husbands "story" or my idea of his story. And it really only matters if a definition is necessary to continue. But what I realize throughout this encounter is that its just not that important to define it specifically. What I can say is that I decided to try something different. I walked away from him, stating my position clearly and calmly, let him be with himself, and I faced my own fearful energy brewing inside of me. I calmed my breathing and focused on my body; paying attention to each area of tension and fear, and acknowledged that it was there, and in a way.. it was the acceptance of this scariness within me without the demand to quit it, or change it, that eventually allowed me to move through it. It left, the scariness, the uncertainty, the demands to comply, and the self loathing. And what was left over, was just Me, and my loving self. And that loving self, loves people.

What could have been wasn't; because I tried something different. I didn't know I could do it, and now, I know that I have done it... Successfully, once, well maybe twice..  And really ... I believe that's  a great start. :)

Breathe and let breathe

The last few weeks my phone has gone from bad to worse, shutting off right in the middle of my Words with Friends games and Facebook browsing, to say the least it  has been extremely inconvenient. My phone has become an integral part of my routine; I wake up to my phone, I get ready for the day with my tunes playing from my phone, I turn on my brain by playing WWF; and at times, zone out while playing solitaire. Of course the obvious use of receiving important phone calls from  clients and family and friends is equally if not more important.  Its vital that it work properly! I think you all can relate to this. We expect our gadgets to work, and when they don't work, we notice. I know in the next couple days, I will be taking a trip to the phone store to get a new one, and I'm not really thrilled about the cost, but at least I purchased the insurance on it and will pay much less than I originally did. When our TV doesn't work, we know what to do. When our computer doesn't work, we call tech support or get a new one. If our AC stops working, we call the repair guy to fix it. 

Why is it  that we expect everything to work; our computers, our lawnmowers, weed eaters, televisions 100%  but we neglect the very device that we cannot replace? I'm talking about our bodies. How is it that we are completely tuned out of our bodies and fail to notice when its just not as quick as it used to be or a little sluggish on the boot up?  I began my journey of coming back to my body a little over a year ago; taking notice when I wasn't feeling good, and letting my mind wonder about what it could mean. What I have noticed is that any time my body feels anything, it gives a message to me, and the reason for the message is that I need to pay attention and do something about it. Its really a simple concept and yet I find myself ignoring the messages and being irritated at times that my body isn't working at top efficiency. In the past, I have found it much more convenient to ignore my body altogether until something happens that really makes me pay attention. Of course when we cannot get out of bed or our back goes out and me cant move we are forced to be still for a minute and are given the opportunity to look inward and fix whatever is causing the problem. However many times we don't really use that time constructively by really getting to the bottom of the problem, we take some pills and put a band aid on it and carry on with our lives the best be can. After all we have bills to pay, deadlines to meet and kids to take care of.

So I propose that there's a possibility that we can do it differently. I'm thinking of three basic steps that anyone can do to become more present in their body, and see what happens.

Step 1.  Breathe deeply - take the opportunity to fill your lungs up with air, in through your nose and out through your nose. Really take the air in, let your belly expand (yes make it look big, its OK, really it is). Close your eyes and relax.

Step 2. Check In - As you are in this relaxed state, notice what is going on inside your body, is there any pain? discomfort? are you hungry? Scan all the way down through your body from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes and just notice what is there.

Step 3. Wonder - Open your mind up to wonder about what you feel in your body. Ask yourself the question; "I wonder what that could be about?" Be open to listening to the messages your body is sending you through all its wonderful senses. Allow whatever comes into your mind at this time to be present with you; without discounting or shrugging the thought away.

Doing these three things will take you less than 5 minutes and yet the benefits you will find are amazing! I love the way this instantly helps me relax my shoulders and lets the tension leave my body. Its like a power nap without having to move from where you are. This is also a great reminder to help us remember to breathe, I bet you don't notice how often  you are shallow breathing as opposed to deep breathing, which is really very ineffective considering we need oxygen to survive. So breathe deep! Shallow breath is a reflection of our body being in a state of stress and can actually cause greater anxiety. I would suggest doing this exercise 3 times a day just for 5 minutes and see how much better you feel!

We exist on this earth and experience everything life has to offer in our bodies, they are amazing miracles from God! Lets give this amazing creation some time and energy and not be afraid to inquire inside of us for what we really need, you might just surprise yourself at what can happen in that moment. Breathe and let breathe, its my new motto!

Happy Wednesday everyone!

What if...

What if?

Do you ever ask yourself that question?
What if I no longer believed I was inferior?
What if I really am as amazing as I tell myself I am; and as amazing as other people tell me I am?
What if my body is perfect, just the way it is?
What if I could heal my body, just because I want it to be healed?
What if I get to be rich?
What if life gets to be easy? Better yet, what if life is SUPPOSED to be easy?
What if I get to have anything I desire to have? No conditions, no take backs, no games.

What would change in what you do, what you say to people, how you go about your day if  your "ifs" were  not wistful wishes but  actual tangible truths?

What if the only thing holding us back is ourselves? Do your arms ache? A superb life coach I know; Megan Sillito who just happens to be a great friend and my sisters life partner,  told me to pay attention when my arms ache because it is actually happening because I am  holding myself back, figuratively and symbolically. At the time I couldn't understand why I would do such a thing, it did not make sense to me. Recently I have decided to delve a little deeper, to explore the realms of my mind and heart and become present to what belief systems I am holding myself to. This is what I have realized as to why I hold back, and the time frame of when I think these belief systems showed up.


#1.  I hold back, because I'm afraid to show up big, I'm afraid that someone else will show me that I'm really not a good big person. Big people scare me, they are mean and they do not respect the little people in this world. Big people are selfish, and only care about themselves. Big people hurt other people in order to stay Big. I'm pretty sure this one comes from early childhood fears.

#2.  I believe that my family of origin expect me to play small; meaning they expect me to be what they think I should be, or rather they expect me to play the role that I have played my whole life. This is the story I carry in my head about that role: I am expected to be a caring, loving, slightly neurotic person. A person who is slightly sex crazed, misguided and unable to succeed without a man. I'm afraid that if I became more than these things, my family would not accept me, and as a result of  my different lifestyle and attitudes, I would cease to have anything in common  with my family. I would no longer relate to them and would not have anything to connect myself emotionally with them, and this would make me sad. Part of me wishes that upon reading this, my family would tell me that this is not true, that they do not believe this way about me, but I know that's just silliness, its not about what they believe, it never is..... it is enough that I believe it. This one sounds like it comes from my feelings of inadequacy I felt when I was 18, trying hard to  figure out how to be a grown up in the world.

#3.  For many years I have held on to a belief system about having money, that if you have money you are shallow, emotionally unavailable to your family, and not happy. You are not a good person and not in Gods good graces. This is another BIG reason I hold back. I have seriously screwed up in my past, and I cannot afford to do anything else that would make God  look at me with disgrace and shake his head in disbelief. I need to tow the line, in order to keep God from throwing me more tests to keep me in line.  Which brings me to part two of this reason: I have believed that living the good life is conditioned upon my being the person God wants me to be. This one is hard to pinpoint, it feels like it spans throughout my life, and also makes me see a whole other set of belief systems I need to delve into that will be labeled:  what I believe about God.

#4.  FAILURE. I fear failure. In the past I have been so scared to try, because I am sure to fail at whatever it is I try to do. I have big emotions and big beliefs  about what failure is. And I do not want to be a failure. What I have believed is that failure is eventually inevitable; its not possible that one can continue to succeed long term. Greatness is possible for a short time but is very difficult to sustain. This one has lots of layers and spans a lot of time. It may have started when I was in the 4th grade and procrastinated a big project until the last minute.

As I type these words, explaining the "stories" I have believed, I want to emphasize the flaws in these belief systems. In fact while I was typing  the most amazing thing has happened; my Higher Self, God, My good little Guardian Angel or a combination of all 3 have communicated to me through my self talk and denounced every single lined item on the list and  have backed up every denouncement with rational and proven reasons as to why they are not true.  The things I have believed in; that have influenced my decisions, and choices for many many years are NOT TRUE! They are based from emotional responses to happenings that caused emotional pain, and can be healed and let go, thank God!

 I have just been going along in my little world living up to the smallness and sometimes mediumness; when I'm feeling really brave, but still staying just a bit outside of any possibility of  real success. I tell myself all kinds of things, reasons if you will why I am just fine being mediocre. And this brings me to the next reason I hold myself back.

#5. If I forged ahead of everyone else around me like my kids and my husband, I would be alone. I get choked up and a lump forms in my throat when I type this, and I know there is some real emotions stored inside my body as well as stories I tell myself about being alone. It is clear to me that at some time in my life I deducted that excelling was not worth being alone. I'm not sure on this one, unless it has something to do with wanting to be an Olympic gymnast. It was huge dream of mine, but one that would've required a separation from my family.

Believing is so powerful, but believing that wonderful things can happen isn't enough. We have to look deeper into the irrational fears, and thought patterns that keep us immobilized. We have the opportunity to address those things head on and make a choice to do something different. I have realized and noticed that when something shakes me up to the point of throwing me off my grounding, I go back to a less risky way of being. I put aside my new found autonomy and fall back into old behavior patterns that no longer serve me well. Its so easy to do! Last week I was in that place. My last blog entry is chock full of evidence as to where I was emotionally.  Its in my writing style, the words I used and the tone that comes out of my words, that I was not my bright and shiny self. There is a story about why I went there, and rather than elaborate on the story of what happened, its just easier to say that we all have our moments, when we allow ourselves to be swept up in an emotional happening. This time it struck a nerve and triggered me to press play on a very familiar track of painful, hurtful negative self talk that used to be a regular part of my life. A part of my life that is in the past, but still has power over me as often as I allow it to. I know now that I have the power to stop the tape from playing out, to stop listening to it because its not the truth. There's a sad familiarity to listening to it though,... like old sad love songs, and sad movies. At times you want to go there and experience the pity party, focus on how horrible your life has been. Soon its not enough to just have the party, we invite others to our party, and in some very demented shallow way, we feel justified, and connected to others in this way. I would venture to say that many people are only capable of having this level of connection. Take the kind of stories you might hear at a bar, tales of sadness detailing who did who wrong. You get the idea. The setting can change, but the story is the same.

My Be-ing place since the occurrence has been emotionally exhausting, all encompassing, both  mentally and physically, and in the direct opposite direction from where I have been living my life the last few months.  I was tending to my plants one day; and upon taking this particular plant outside to give it some sunshine I accidentally stepped on a large leaf and severed it from the plant. Of course it dried up and turned dark in a matter of minutes after it was removed from its source of life. This is how I have felt, literally plucked from the living waters of my Source. Desperately clinging to any memory of life, while caught up in the desperate heartache  of  withering  away, and flailing desperately to fight my way back to the surface. Its been agonizing!

So once again, I am choosing to Stop. I'm going to acknowledge that I'm nothing without God, I'm nothing without His outpouring of love and spirit and I'm going to be grateful for the life and insight that I have been given.  I have the free will to choose to be happy, bright and shiny rather than dark and twisty.   I'm turning off the track tape, putting the old tape player in the closet and closing the door behind me. From now on I'll be playing "Do do run run" and Locomotion;  on my record player, its time to get moving forward with a smile. I think its time for a party after all, anyone wanna join me?

               "he picked me up at seven and he looked so fine,
                do do run run run do do run run.
               someday soon I'm gonna make him mine,
               do do run run run, do do run run "

               
         

words are all I have

Words and actions are all we have. When our words are said in anger it doesn't matter what actions follow, or how many apologies are said, the pain is searing, and wants to purge us to the very soul. We are compelled to question the validity of the intention, and our whole being begs for mercy from the pain and longing for it to stop, supersedes anything else. a few excerpts from my journal that seem fitting for what I am feeling today. A moment of brutal honesty, because it seems appropriate to share, and really; there isn't much more that could be said, that  would hurt anymore than what has already been said.

July 8, 2013

I should've known it wouldn't be this easy, that my worst deeds would come back at me; thrown as daggers of hatred. Why now do I expect anything different? I am less than slime, and not worth my apologies. They are just words after all. How easy just to throw words at someone and watch while they shrink back in painful seclusion. Oh yes, it was effective, it did the trick, target is down.

Jan, 2009

New Beginnings

Starting again, finding the strength, pulling yourself up from the dirt
Numbing yourself, laughing it off, pretending that it doesn't hurt

An emotional journey in a slow moving buggy; where jagged rocks and bumps send you tumbling
Life blows on by, and nobody cares that the hole in your soul needs mending

Get out the needle and find the thread, you will have to be a quick study,
Look up on a mountain or down in a valley; look deep inside, but don't look for pity.

You'll find the way to bring it together, your heart is good and your soul divine
just keep striving with passion and purpose and happiness you'll surely find.

Jan 6, 2009

The bread in my hand as the words were spoken, pleading to God; all eyes are down. The texture is rough symbolizing the brokenness, I hold on and feel. "My Lord my God why have you forsaken me?" The image is there in my mind, the torture imprinted on my soul. Oh the pain I have caused! How can He love me? How could He do this for me? Am I really worth it? The cup, smooth and crystal clear, touching the wine to my lips. "Oh God, must I partake of this bitter cup? Or wilt thou allow it to pass? The crimson stained stone left behind, the plight of the Holy still stands. To die is to live; with death brings new life. The cycle is clear, am I ready to die?
You say to ask and it shall be given, but do you ever tire of the questions? I need to have faith and trust you Lord, the two things that are the most difficult for me to do. Is that what you mean by becoming as a little child?

 

Sometime the struggle that lies directly ahead, hides the fantastic view from above. In these moments; all we can really do is have hope.

How Presumptuous!

I'm not implying that I'm more important than you.
I'm not saying you should listen to what I say.
I'm not offering any guarantees.
I'm not giving you a reason to feel guilty.
I have little attachment to the "why" anyone reads my blog. And very little attachment to the "who" that reads my blog. It is not the reason why I write.

So why do it? That's a very good question. Of course I enjoy getting good feedback about what I say, and I really feel good when something I have said  touches someone's life but its still not the reason I do it. To be totally honest, I question it sometimes too. It does however provide a way for me to get all the conversations I have inside my head "out" in space. Doesn't everyone have conversations in their head? And yes I do answer myself back sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if I should really say what's inside my head out loud, cause at times I get some really strange reactions. Take today for instance: I came inside the house after brushing my dogs and getting the stickers out of their fur I showed Nick my 16 yr. old son the hives that were already appearing on my arms from the allergic reaction and said:
 "Do you see these lovely hives that my body has given to me? I'm just going to love my body for this response anyway and then offer an idea to my body that it has permission to not react that way anymore."
He literally just looked at me with this confused look wondering if I was serious or just messing with him. In which I assured him that I know I sound crazy but I am completely serious. Just because my body has reacted this way for as long as I can remember when touched with animal hair, doesn't mean it has to be that way anymore. I'm open to the possibility that something new can happen. I don't know how or when, but I'm open to it happening. I love my doggies and my horse and have always felt a real connection to animals. In the past I have also suffered asthma spells while interacting with animals. Yes you can call me a glutton for punishment, but in a way it has taught me to put some boundaries in place in regards to animals, which for the most part I have done. My body still reacts and gives me the message when I do not respect the boundaries. But for me it is all about speaking out for myself and taking care of myself, and if I can do that and enjoy my country lifestyle, then that's what I want!

So it was through some experiences that my body provided for me that helped me realize that I needed to speak, and write and be "out there" in the world, but most of all start being completely honest in my expressions. My body helped me see that when I'm out of whack on the inside, even though I'm doing my best to hide it, I am completely out of whack on the outside as well. And if my body is out of whack on the outside, then it is most definitely time for me to look inward at what I'm not speaking, or expressing.

A few years ago, my body had been struggling and it showed up as an inability to eat. I literally would choke on my food, I couldn't get it to go down and I couldn't cough it back up. My esophagus would not allow the food to enter my stomach. I did see the appropriate doctors and found the initial cause of the discomfort. I took the appropriate medicine and waited for my body to heal, but it was a very long process that felt hopeless most of the time. I was confused because it would happen sometimes when I ate, but not at others. It would happen with soft food, and with hard food. I couldn't figure out what was going on. I did everything the doctors said to do to treat the symptoms, respecting what they had to say, but still not satisfied with the outcome. This particular episode went on for about 3 years. It was one of those things where I had almost given up hope that I would ever be able to eat normal again. I began to avoid eating in public and going out to eat with my husband was not fun anymore. I hated what my body was doing to me and I felt powerless to change it. I had no energy and started disconnecting with my body and its needs in order to cope. I stopped exercising and doing anything that would require excess energy. Literally, I gave up living.

About two years ago my sister Suzanne Stauffer started expanding her business of personal training and as an extension created Body Bliss. A series of weekly classes that she taught to help people get in tune with their bodies, align their body with their purpose and go through processes during class that would help us with all of this. So in an effort to support my sister and because I am a sponge for new ideas,  I decided to take her class. Each week we would learn new ways to listen to our bodies and learned through some of the guided meditations that we did, what our bodies were trying to say to us.

The environment and timing was perfect and slowly I began to open up to the ideas of health and happiness and choosing in rather than avoiding. That was the beginning, choosing to be present in my life and feeling every emotion rather than creating chaos and making excuses because I didn't want to feel any of it. What I  didn't realize then was that my body was already feeling every emotion and every undelivered  conversation that I was not in a habit of speaking.  I was not in a habit of being present and I was super scared to be authentically myself, because frankly, I loathed myself. I was not living, I was merely coping, and existing.

I will save all the details for another writing, but lets suffice it to say that I had a lot of explaining to myself and others to do. I had many truths I was withholding. I was living a lie and every part of my body was screaming at me to fix it! I made excuses and lied to myself as often as I did to others. I pretended to be okay and told people what they expected from me, rather than the truth. I acted out in ways that hurt me and my family members and used excuses that I told myself daily in order to keep myself from feeling the truth of my actions. I was so detached emotionally from myself that it was difficult for people who really knew me to not take me by the shoulders and scream at me to "Wake Up!" All this was going on, and had been going on, and my body finally had had enough! It was in full revolt of my dishonesty and it showed up as the prevention of an action that was required to continue living. It happened this way because this is what needed to happen for me to wake up and realize what I was doing. It was an opportunity to change my life, and through the grace of God, people were put in my path that said and did things that were vital to my waking up and embracing the hope that I could be made whole.

As a part of this process I created this blog, and I named it Brutally Honest Conversations, because at times it feels very brutal to be honest. It has been a way for me to align my public self with my private self, and a way for me to go from dishonesty to complete honesty. Its been so difficult at times and so extremely scary to speak up. What began to happen within me as I practiced expressing myself was subtle at first, but now is undeniable. My body began to heal, I was able to eat again. The more I respected myself, my body and its limitations, the more in alignment I am from the inside out, the better my body works. One of the things I learned through Suzanne's Body Bliss class is that the body is made up of 7 Chakras or energy centers and ideally they work together to create maximum health and wellness in our body. The part of the body that I was struggling with was the throat, esophagus, and thyroid which aligns with the 5th Chakra. It is the element of sound vibration, and being represented through creativity, self expression and communication. All of the behaviors that I was avoiding. What I have come to realize now is that I was literally choking on my emotions, by not speaking them. And another realization that has come from further exploration is that this has been something that I have struggled with my whole life. I remember times as a child that I lost my voice and could not speak for months at a time, with no physical explanation. I have been dealing with the same issues, but with different people and different situations my whole life.

I started out with all kinds of ideas about this blog, and about what I wanted to accomplish with it. But the underlying message for me is to speak my truth. Say it out loud and on paper. Say it to strangers and to family and friends, because it is the truth and speaking the truth has literally set me free. I am now writing as a freely  expressed soul unafraid of the viewpoints of others. I am merely honoring my body and my soul by writing. I am simply putting it out there, and allowing the words to flow from me as honestly as possible. I am but a vessel that is striving to remain balanced and deliver the messages that have come as a result of my life. So if that helps someone out there, then I'm grateful! If I can be an inspiration of what to do or what not to do, then hallelujah, praise God! I praise Him every day, for the fabulous life I am leading, and for giving me the ability to speak in a way that people will listen. But most of all, I'm grateful to have the ability to learn, to have the humility to see when I'm wrong and the guts to believe I get to have a life of my choosing, and the compassion to share that life with others. Thanks for helping make that a reality, I am sincerely and always your humble blogger.

every day is epic if you believe!

My life these days is an amazing balancing act between truly epic happenings and normal day to day life events and I find myself wanting epic every day! Let me explain: I've been on this whirlwind of finding and exploring my purpose and creating a life that is fully expressed, and taking this creative energy into my professional life as well. It has been such an incredible journey, and I'm literally learning stuff every day.

Last weekend Jeff and I began doing my very first hired painting job for my sister. Her and her partner were moving in to a beautiful new house and they wanted a pop of color to make it truly  inspirational and in alignment with who they are.  We ended up painting some very bold colors, doing a faux finish on the Master bedroom and a sweet treatment on a wood feature in the kitchen. We painted the bathroom and the kids rooms as well.  My creative self has been on a balloon ride going higher and higher into the unknown and exciting realm! It was very intense, the planning stage of the project, then putting the colors on the wall and finally hanging up all the items in their home to bring the dream more into the reality. I left thoroughly exhausted and exhilarated.

I loved creating the rooms, and loved even more seeing their reactions once they were complete! It was such a high, and I realize that I'm a dream weaver energy junkie. I live for that excitement, and reaction and cant wait for the next moment that I get to create that emotion for someone else. To be a part of creating inspiration for someone else is so different than anything else I have ever done on a professional level.  I know now why I have always been a gift giver, I love to see  joy brought to someone because of something I have created. I love to inspire and share the passion I have with people.

 My good friend Ronda who I have been friends with since Jr. high school came over last night with her fiancé for dinner and I casually pulled out this quilt that I have been working on. This quilt I took from her house probably almost a year ago, to do some mending on it. This particular quilt Ronda has had since childhood, and so its important to her. I totally get that. What she doesn't get is that because it is important to her, its important to me. I'm a believer in whatever it is that brings you joy, no questions asked and if I can facilitate that happening, I'm in heaven doing it. I had completely redone each of the little girls dresses and hats and am in the process of hand stitching them to the quilt. When I took it out to show her, she burst into tears in disbelief and joy. She was so touched by the gesture and the time I took to care for her inspiration. My heart was so full and I was just bursting with joy myself!

I'm convinced now that what is created in the space of joyful expression, what others see as inspiration, I see as inspiration and feel compelled to create and facilitate and make space for. Its such a powerful force for good things to happen in all areas of life and is truly epic on both sides of the equation. Why would I ever want to do anything else, this is my life's work, and I'm so excited to share it!

I noticed that after the high I felt from the painting job, I just wanted more and more and more! Coming home, sitting in my house, I started feeling the creativity flowing in regards to my own space, and what I can do with it, and how it could be a better fit for our new lives. I started dreaming and finally believing that if I can dream it, then I can create it.

I guess what I am trying to do in sharing this experience in my blog, is to truly inspire my readers to take a look at your life from the perspective of creation, hope, and believe that the opportunities to live fully expressed are yours for the taking. Try it for a day, believe that the impossible will happen, and see what happens as a result of your believing.

In the words of Lewis Carroll "There is no use trying, " said Alice; "one cant believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "when I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, Begin It!" Trent Dimas Olympic Champion.

There's power in dreaming, there's hope in making a wish in the wishing well of life. There is a Master dreamer who wants nothing more for us than for us to be happy and fulfilled in our life, I'm so grateful to feel this in every cell of my being and to be able to share it with you. Let the dreaming begin!

When the storybook happens in real life

I feel like a princess, that just found her night in shining armor, like the damsel in distress that was rescued from the tower by the handsome man on horseback. I just kissed a toad, and he turned into a prince! No, actually I realize that my prince has been there all along, and today I am truly seeing him through real and not imagined eyes. He has warts, for sure, and sometimes he turns green, and many times he comes home and plops down in a heap, not very prince like at all. He drags his feet and brings mud in the house when he's not dragging his feet. Oh, yes.. he is handsome, and dashingly witty, and always has a song he's singing to me. He can sweep me off my feet quicker than a broom, and make me forget all about  my Cinderella duties. He cleans up real good, but most the time, its his unshaven face, tired eyes and strong arms that  embrace me at the end of the day that makes me melt into his world and forget about all the cares of mine.  His ability to move heavy stone and leap from one job sight to the next in  a single bound, his hands that are strong enough to crush a soda can in a single squeeze, yet soft and gentle enough to caress me and make my fears disappear. I'm not imagining that this man of mine is perfect and flawless. He is perfectly flawed and amazingly  mine.

When I set out on this journey to find a partner to share my life with, I truly had my sights set high. I knew all the things I wanted and all the ones I didn't want. But the most important was his ability to love me. Because deep down inside, I knew I was not flawless, that my warts would come out at the worst times, that my crooked smile and lying eyes may just show up when I least expected.  I needed someone that would lift me up when I couldn't lift my own spirits. To listen endlessly to my senseless chatter, and pry the words out of me when I remained defenselessly silent. I needed a man who could put up with my bad self even though I would try desperately to keep her from emerging.  Oh its clear to me now that my foot is far too wide to fit into that beautiful glass slipper I so desperately yearned for and my childbearing hips will never fit into that beautiful gown, and that sparkling tiara keeps falling off, no matter how many bobby pins I use. My nose is too big... and my hair is usually tucked up under a hat.  I realize now,  I'm really content to just be who I am.  And I would much rather find a good looking man with a crinkly smile and dirty jeans, who will sweep my off my feet while I'm vacuuming the rug and scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees. A man that will still look at me like I'm the princess of our castle despite my ragged appearance. That man with dirt on his boots, scruff on his chin that turns into that dashingly handsome prince with the warmest smile and puts my soul at ease with just a single kiss. One that sends my heart racing and makes me want to dig into that closet to find that ball gown, muscle on those pretty shoes, dance the night away, and then slowly disappear into the sunset. Now where's that toad.. I think its time for a smooch.

A time for reflection

So I'm on the recovering end of pneumonia and it has been quite the time for reflection and emotional and physical healing. I have always been the type of person that takes what life offers up in the moment by asking what I need to be learning from this experience; yet sometimes I think it can be something that holds me back from what I want to express and create for my life.  It is the act of  trusting the process that at times I butt up against. In defense of "the process" I have found that I really should trust "it" more. At times I am forced into taking notice of something, that in so doing I have become a better, more whole and complete person. Let me give some examples, and simply put, these are my experiences and do not necessarily need to be applied to your own experience, however sometimes it helps to hear the experiences of others while gaining understanding into your own process, so it is in that spirit that I share my reflections.

reflection #1

We are here to enjoy life and if we are not enjoying it, there is a reason - I believe that we have the power to figure out what we need to do to begin enjoying it, or just remember if we have forgotten.

I haven't been having a good time, I have been telling myself that I have been. One of the reasons I believe this has happened is that I have not believed that I get to have fun. It is a new realization for me that I have carried this belief system from my upbringing into my adult life. In my family of origin there was much to be sober about, life was a serious matter, it was not supposed to be fun and if you were having fun, it must have been at the expense of someone else, and that was not okay. I have decided that I deserve to have fun! I get to have fun for no other reason than I choose it. I can trust myself that I will have fun and still be respectful of my limits, and that having fun does not have to be at the expense of someone else.

reflection #2

The things that happen to us are about us - not anyone else, no matter who else is around us, the lessons are ours, and acknowledging them in no way makes us selfish.

It has been a habit of mine to often look at my life outside of myself. I exist for others, for my husband and kids and family and what others think I should be and do. Even this blog at times is about what I can give back to others, yet I realize that I cannot give something I don't possess. I realize now that I have neglected myself, my health, and relied on others to take care of me. I have been following  the agreement that "you take care of me and I will take care of you." This agreement is a messed up way of avoiding your own well- being and your own issues.  It is setting yourself up to fail when you  put your own well being in the hands of someone else. It is a continual cause of stress for me and creates a feeling of chaos that is detrimental to my well-being. I have decided to make a new agreement, that I take care of me, and I support you in your efforts to take care of you.


reflection #3

Moving forward is rarely as straightforward as it seems - expanding ourselves into a new place can leave room for all manner of nonsense and fear. My sister explained this and it made so much sense! If you are trying to expand, everything about you will expand, including the scary fearful parts.

It is scary to fail, it is even scarier to never try. It is a process, and involves struggle and facing into our stuff. For me, I take on big projects, and have unrealistic expectations of myself and the abilities I already possess. I expect that I can do whatever I choose, as long as I want it bad enough, and many times that is all that it requires, however changing patterns of behavior that have been modeled for decades, or attempting to show up in a way that is completely new and that has not been modeled to you in your upbringing at all is extremely difficult. It will always be harder to go down the road less traveled, for me this is the road I was destined to travel. So I will continue to try, and then try some more when things don't go quite as I planned.

reflection #4

If trauma and violence was a part of your childhood as it was in mine; then its important to take notice of the memories that are vividly remembered. These memories are important pieces to the puzzle of healing our hurt little selves.

Have you noticed how unwilling some people are to talk about their childhood? My Mother just recently gave us a book she compiled of some of her memories recorded in her journal and of her recollection of our births into this world. There was a lot going on in our family when I was growing up; alcoholism, physical abuse, poverty and a lot of chaos with so many mouths to feed. Unlike other family's that go through difficulty, we tended towards isolating ourselves rather than reaching out to our other siblings in order to cope with the pain and fear we experienced. This has been a pattern in my family for years, and it is only in times of extreme struggle now that we ask for any help or support from each other. I have often been dumbfounded by this, because I tell people that we have a very tight knit and close family, and others looking at us from the outside would think nothing else but that we are close. There is no doubt that we love each other, and that if you asked each one of us, we would say that there is nothing that we wouldn't do for each other, but it is not natural or easy for us to ask for help or support. We are very proud and stubborn, and instinctively react to any struggle as a personal banner that once conquered can be hung for everyone to see. I have been in some dire situations in my own life, in the last ten years we have put three children through rehab, lost our baby at birth, and have experienced financial hardships, job layoffs and other things that have been impossible to overcome without the support from family members. In many ways I have filled a role in my family by asking for help, accepting help and sincerely working hard to be of service to my parents and siblings in order to give something back for their generosity. I have learned a lot from the things we have gone through, it is part of what makes me uniquely qualified to be there for others emotionally when they are going through difficulties; for that reason I am grateful.

reflection #5

When we find ourselves reacting to a situation with an exaggerated emotional response, it is rarely about the situation that is currently at hand.

This is something I have known for awhile now, but this last week I actually went to the next level and was brave enough to wonder about my emotional outburst and what it might be telling me. This particular response comes up a lot when I am learning a new sport, that takes integrating external feedback from a coach and applying it to the position of my body. I love challenging myself in every way and have good body awareness, and physicality that transfers to many things, but as with anything, practice makes perfect. This time the challenge is bowling! I am learning how to throw the ball with a curve, aim correctly and adjust my mark to the lanes oil pattern; a lot of things I have never even heard of before! On Saturdays we get to practice with a coach and on Mondays we go for our team bowling and my husband gives me pointers and helps me out the best he can. No matter which sport, which coach or how much natural talent I already possess, I get defensive and embarrassed when I make any mistakes. At times yelling and throwing my golf clubs down the fairway and ordering my husband to pick them up! ( I have since apologized and got a bit more control on the golf course, but its taken awhile)! I am happy to say that I was able to recognize the response as being exaggerated, and stopped to think about what my reaction was really about. Long story short, I was able to find one of my little selves that desperately needed love, comfort and acceptance. The little one that was embarrassed at gymnastics class, and really just needed a little understanding and some better clothes to wear that would not show off things that little girls really want to keep covered. For an eight or nine year old little girl, that is so embarrassing!! I'm happy to say that I am giving her the love and understanding that she needs. I know that she is safe now, that it is okay to take care of her and that the more I do this, the better my grown up self feels in similar situations.

Overall it has been an amazing time of reflecting, and drawing from my experiences in order to better understand how to be more whole. I feel a new sense of awareness that is helping me feel capable and ready to pursue the next big challenge in my future. I am shaking off the ties that have bound me and finding a new appreciation for others that can help support me in my goals, and in return I get to support them in theirs. I am once again grounded and traveling on the path I have chosen, clearing rocks and pulling weeds all along the way, I would definitely say that its a good day.

Love is in the air..

What's not to love about Valentine's day? It has always been one of my favorites! When my kids were little, I used to scatter the little candy hearts around the house and tell them that St. Valentine came to visit them. They always loved scurrying around the house to find the candy in the most curious places.  My kids are almost all grown now and I still love to give them valentines every year! A little note to say I love you, or a candy bar with a note that says you are my sweetheart, I'm so glad you are my son or daughter!

 One of my favorite memories is the year my son brought me a dozen gorgeous peach colored roses and a card for valentines day, it was by far one of the sweetest most memorable years I have ever had! I think I still have the vase they came in, and I'm pretty sure I kept the dried roses for years.

This year, my daughter is spreading the love and making all kinds of preparations for her boyfriend to make it the best day of love for him. I have been sitting here watching her for the last 2 hours make a valentines box like the ones we used to make in elementary school... I have had  a grin on my face the whole time and she keeps asking me if I'm laughing at her. I have to admit, it does my heart good to know I have passed this tradition on. I couldn't help but chuckle because she said " I just love doing this, it reminds me of being a little kid again, and I loved being a little kid!" My heart just burst with joy to hear it!

 So often we get hung up on the bad parts of childhood and forget that we all have  memories that we can and should cherish from when we were wee tykes. If we don't have any memories or find it difficult to remember, then its never too late to start making loving memories now that we can cherish in the moment.

I saw my little sister the other day and we were talking about how to learn to love and take care of ourselves better. We understood each other perfectly, knowing that as kids, we both felt alone, and on our own and all we ever wanted was for someone to take notice and love us. It is these hurt little ones from our childhood that are longing to find their way back into our hearts and souls. The raggedy ones, the scared ones the angry ones that were not so easy to love. They (our little selves) show up in our lives now many times just to be kicked out and rejected again. It is the much more grown up adult parts of ourselves that do not want to accept the little ones and are fearful of what they represent. The parts that are vulnerable, scared, lonely, needy,  helpless, mean, impatient, stupid, violent, sexual, ugly, poor and sickly. Now as adults, we look at these traits with disdain, we find no place for any of them in our professional or "grown up" lives, in fact some of them do not serve us well at all. Yet each one may represent a part of you that is repressed, or hiding and afraid, that is longing for acceptance, approval and love.

I have made a decision to find my hurt little selves, to explore how they show up today in my grown up life, to love and accept them and invite them to come back home. I want to do this because I believe that it is in the acknowledging and accepting of these parts of my inner self that will eventually allow wholeness to reside within me, and help me to express myself as I truly am, without fear or shame.   I am much more than safety, much more than the acceptance of others and much more than what others see on the surface. I am so much more than what shows up daily in an effort to be what others think I need to be, it is for this reason that I celebrate today! It is for this reason, that my heart is expanding at this very moment.

todays a new day.. yay!!

 

 I am happy to say that I survived my bad self yesterday and am so happy to still be here in existence today!! I feel so much better about things, not really cause that much is all that different.. well at least not that I can see. I am going to believe that my admittance of struggle in yesterdays blog was a good step toward creating something better.

~ Of course the first step is the admitting part.. and in a pretty public setting.. I might add. That was pretty scary, and my feelings and emotions were so raw and I shared them to the world!! (At least the part of the world that is reading this blog) So I am very proud of myself for taking that risk and sharing.

~ The next amazing thing is that I survived, literally , figuratively and emotionally. Not only did I survive, but I accepted my humanness, embraced my flaws and wrapped my arms around all of it by speaking it out. I really was just being real and really had no intentions of learning anything from it (in fact I was a bit freaked out after I posted it, to be very honest). However if there is one thing I have learned over the course of a year is that speaking my truth is essential to my well being.. it just is.

~ I love this little curly symbol that I keep typing, and I love that I get to see it when I push the <shift> key, because I believe that to shift something really can be as easy as pushing a button, it just really depends on us as to how big that button seems.

~ I learned a couple things about myself in light of yesterdays experiences; or I should say I RE learned them.  I need to talk things out in order to get the negative energy out of me. I am certain that talking them out in the form of writing in this blog is a great step, but having an actual person to share with creates an intimate experience that I long for and yet am super scared of with some people. My sweet daughter Brooke took the time to let me talk to her last night. She is always amazing to listen, give me feedback, let me cry and swear and be whatever it is I need to be with no conditions. It is so amazing to have her! I know that I needed support and that asking for support in and of itself is something I have struggled with yet it is something that I will continually strive to do. It gets a bit lonely on the island with no one else invited.

Well that's pretty much it for this post, I really just didn't want to leave all that stuff on the page without updating my current state of being. I'm really happy that I have a new perspective today, and honestly.... I think for today ...  that is enough.






        

Birds of a feather

I think I have reached an all time low, due to a very cold winter, a very harsh flu season, and just a general feeling of ickiness. I was telling my sister in an email that I have just been in a funk and I am really struggling to get over it. I am usually so willing to put my shoulder down, bend my knees, put my head to the side and face into the storm ahead, but this has been a real doozy. The fact that I am writing in this blog about it is evidence that this "thing" whatever it may be is not just a passing little dark cloud that goes away, just because I want it to. Usually I would wait to write when I was feeling truly inspired to do so, or when I really have a great message to share, and maybe the message is just this, that sometimes things are not great. Sometimes, it is difficult to see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel, and yet life still goes on. I have to tell myself that things will get better, that some kind of breakthrough is inevitable because really what else am I going to say? That things are going to continue to be bad? That just goes against everything that I am, everything that I have represented to be, and everything I have been taught by my incredible family to be.

Let me tell you a little about my family, it really is so demanding to be a part of my family, and yet I would never trade it for anything. My older sister who I absolutely admire so much has been struggling with some health issues and her and I were talking about how we feel this overwhelming sense of responsibility to excel in everything that we choose to do. Somehow in our upbringing or our DNA we have taken on this unrealistic expectation of ourselves to not just be good at things but to be outstanding in EVERYTHING, no holds barred, no exceptions, no excuses. And for the most part, I'm pretty sure we are all pretty outstanding, all 9 of us. Of course my parents are also outstanding in their own right as well, and no wonder we feel this enormous need to succeed. Failure is simply not an option, it is not acceptable, and it is not done. There is always a way to progress, to become better, to learn more, to be more disciplined, to try harder and to eventually conquer every demon that presents itself. The upside to all this is that we do have til our dying day to complete this task, we have time and as long as we use our time wisely and not squander our gifts... we should be alright, we should make it. Its kind of a lot of pressure, its probably because of this pressure that I am in a funk... maybe. Here I am, unemployed, house ridden due to my car being wrecked, sick again, not able to function or contribute to our finances, or really have incentive to do much of anything. My siblings being as awesome as they are, pulling resources together again on our behalf, and once again I am on the receiving end of this monetary gift rather than able to give abundantly to others as I would like to do. It is a theme in my life I know that, yet I don't know how to change it, I'm stumped. Now don't get me wrong and think that I am not appreciative, because I am so humbled and so grateful that I have such amazing siblings and parents that are so giving and loving, I guess it is just my hope that in someway I can repay them... again. I know I have worth, I know I love unconditionally, I know my heart is good and I try to be a good person, and maybe that is enough, I certainly am trying to be someone with integrity and a person that shows that on a daily basis, I am not perfect by any means, but then again who is.. really.

I understand that I have every opportunity to change my life, that it is only up to me to do it, and that I have so much that is great in my life to be happy about. Sometimes it would be easier if I didn't know these things, if I didn't truly believe that I am a force for good in the world, that my sphere of influence is beyond the realms of this very room. In some ways it really is easier to play small, to accept mediocrity and  blend in with your surroundings, I just was not born for that, I refuse to accept that, after all I am a Peacock. We are meant to stand tall, to be proud, to be seen and admired, its who we are. I was born into the Peacock name and therefore, I will find a way to live up to that... one beautiful feather at a time.

... to resolute or not to resolute...

In my past I have to be very honest, resolutions have really not gone very well.  I even did the whole routine of writing them down, putting them up on the mirror or somewhere I see them multiple times every day, because that's suppose to get it into your head and create the motivation to change whatever it is that needs to be changed. And then what happens?? The first time I miss out on working out, or I eat something sweet, or crave chocolate cause I'm on my period, I beat myself up for "failing" to have enough self discipline to accomplish my goal. It is at this point that the whole resolution process turns very wrong. I end up  eating the whole cake, or bag going to the gym altogether or just decide to sit on the couch and complain or better yet, yell and blame my unhappiness on everyone else. It is really an emotionally unhealthy practice for me, and really kind of a racket anyway isn't it? Who really benefits from this resolution process? As I see it,  it is pretty much the most perfect atmosphere for companies to sell a whole bunch of crap that few of us really need anyway. Its another way to keep us all wrapped up in the cycle of guilt and nonacceptance of our imperfect selves. We are all supposed to be the beautiful people... who have very few flaws, perfect homes, perfect kids and perfect lives. I guess that is probably why I choose to share mine and my family's normal bad behavior, simply put... because it is real. Does that mean that I don't want to improve myself or my life? No, that is not the case, I strive for self improvement at times to a fault, however, over the years my experiences have taught me that improvement comes more readily with acceptance of yourself as you stand right now in all your imperfections. Its the acceptance, the admittance and the claiming of our faults that creates that bridge to cross into choosing something different for our lives. The pure act of admitting we are human, that we falter, struggle and at times fall flat on our face is incredibly freeing. It is to a blossoming flower, pure sunshine, to a growing child, a Mother's kiss. Creating a feeling of nurturing within ourselves is not an easy task, many of us have never truly been taught how to self nurture, how to turn kindness inward upon our own dark or floundering places. I don't profess to be an expert by any means, it is a work in progress for me and is something I strive to do daily.  To love the parts of myself that I struggle with, like procrastination, disorganization, lack of drive and motivation to get moving. Nobody wants to feel like a hot mess and then tell everyone else all about it, we all try to put our best foot forward in order to feel validated. Really, we all can admit it, we care about how we look to others, why else would we try so hard to push an image of the perfect self out to the world... whether that be through social media, church, or at the grocery store down the street. Everyone is fake to a certain extent, we wear our social masks, our designer clothes and talk nicely to others around us, even when we are in a pissy mood. So why work so hard to create such an image, what is our real motive? What is it that we are so scared to let anyone know about ourselves? If you can answer that question, and really be honest with yourself, in every situation you will be amazed at what can happen in your life. So I guess if I must really decide on a resolution for this year, it is to be courageous and brave and shine that light into the dark places within my soul without the fear that my world will surely fall apart. It is my desire to share these things with others,  for me, this is the greatest form of empowerment, and enlightenment, call me crazy, you wouldn't be the first one to do so, in fact, I'm counting on it.