My dad was a wonderful man, he died on October 28th 2011 and its still so hard to believe he is gone.
I learned some great things and some not so great things from him, but it didn't change the fact that I absolutely adored this man!
So for the good things I learned from him: I learned what romance was, watching him with my Mom. He loved to surprise her and show up with her favorite flowers, he got such a kick out of seeing her be so surprised. He was so tender with her and yet he was not a man that was ruled by her, he fought her tooth and nail.
I learned how to work from my Dad, and work hard. He worked for Mt. Fuel for 25 years and gave them his whole heart and soul. He worked as many overtime hours as he could, especially when it was Christmastime, just so he could afford gifts. When my Dad cleared the weeds out of a flower garden, there wasn't a speck of green anything in the dirt, all was left was the plants and flowers. I oftentimes try to weed my flowers like he did, and yet it doesn't compare.
I learned that its never too late to change or to pick up a hobby. He finally gave up alcohol and tobacco by the time I was in High School, yet he tried so many times to stop smoking, my whole life I remember him trying to quit. He was always up for fishing... he finally got to enjoy fishing as much as he wanted when they moved to Gunnison and he was retired for good. He took up golfing in his later years, and actually made a hole in one, on one of his first trips to the golf course. He was an amazing athlete! Just find the Emery Times yearbook and check him out. He was the star athlete in his school.
I just don't think I can do justice to this post! I really am trying to be honest here, it is what my whole goal is for this blog, but I just hate to cry like a little baby and I'm feeling that lump in my throat that tells me I'm on shaky ground. I miss my Dad so much! I don't want to write about him like he's not here anymore, I just want him to be here. Its just not fair! I am full on crying now, great. I hate to cry. I have pictures up in the house of him and my family, and it kills me to think I will never have any more to put up in my house. He was 71 years old, and had 9 kids and 32 or so grand kids. Way too young to die.
Okay so back to the things I learned from him. He loved so deeply, so intensely, and when he felt things, it was almost too much for him to bear. I think that's why he had such a rough and tough exterior, and why his temper flared so much. He was just a big snugly bear deep inside where it counted.
I learned other things from him too: I learned that when life gets too hard you go to your room. He was a classic anti social and struggled so much with his own demons that the only place he wanted to be was alone. When I am upset, I go to my room and usually sleep, I'm not sure that's the best, but I guess its not too late to change.
I learned from my Dad to not take care of myself- in regards to food and health. He would starve while he waited for someone to bring him his dinner. He was never self reliant in that way, it was so strange to think back that this big strong man was helpless. He would wait for my Mom or one of us to bring him his dinner, and if we didn't make dinner or didn't take it to him, he stayed in his room and went hungry. I will go all day and not eat, and its not until the day is half over that I realize I haven't eaten all day. I hate trying to figure out what to eat, it is such a burden! My Dad never went to the Dr. and in the end it was his distrust for the medical profession that was a factor in his death. He would rather die and save the money he would have spent on health care, than get the care he needed to live and be destitute. He believed he would die young, and he didn't want my Mom to have to be broke. He loved her so much. The last few months I have really been focusing on my own health because of my Dads death.... I guess that in doing so, I have realized that I want to live, but I want to live disease free. I believe it can be done, but its really scary for me to believe I can. I have learned that my body communicates with me, and I need to trust it. Part of why I am blogging is because I need to speak out for my own health. Its kind of complicated, but I will get to it... in another post.
I guess in a way I'm mad at my Dad for leaving me, I'm mad at him for not caring for himself better. But I know I am mad at him, because of my intense emotional longing for him. I miss him desperately, and there is no amount of blaming that will bring him back. I'm mad, cause I wasn't ready to lose him, I still need him and that's all that matters to me.
God bless you Dad, until we meet again....
