In my past I have to be very honest, resolutions have really not gone very well. I even did the whole routine of writing them down, putting them up on the mirror or somewhere I see them multiple times every day, because that's suppose to get it into your head and create the motivation to change whatever it is that needs to be changed. And then what happens?? The first time I miss out on working out, or I eat something sweet, or crave chocolate cause I'm on my period, I beat myself up for "failing" to have enough self discipline to accomplish my goal. It is at this point that the whole resolution process turns very wrong. I end up eating the whole cake, or bag going to the gym altogether or just decide to sit on the couch and complain or better yet, yell and blame my unhappiness on everyone else. It is really an emotionally unhealthy practice for me, and really kind of a racket anyway isn't it? Who really benefits from this resolution process? As I see it, it is pretty much the most perfect atmosphere for companies to sell a whole bunch of crap that few of us really need anyway. Its another way to keep us all wrapped up in the cycle of guilt and nonacceptance of our imperfect selves. We are all supposed to be the beautiful people... who have very few flaws, perfect homes, perfect kids and perfect lives. I guess that is probably why I choose to share mine and my family's normal bad behavior, simply put... because it is real. Does that mean that I don't want to improve myself or my life? No, that is not the case, I strive for self improvement at times to a fault, however, over the years my experiences have taught me that improvement comes more readily with acceptance of yourself as you stand right now in all your imperfections. Its the acceptance, the admittance and the claiming of our faults that creates that bridge to cross into choosing something different for our lives. The pure act of admitting we are human, that we falter, struggle and at times fall flat on our face is incredibly freeing. It is to a blossoming flower, pure sunshine, to a growing child, a Mother's kiss. Creating a feeling of nurturing within ourselves is not an easy task, many of us have never truly been taught how to self nurture, how to turn kindness inward upon our own dark or floundering places. I don't profess to be an expert by any means, it is a work in progress for me and is something I strive to do daily. To love the parts of myself that I struggle with, like procrastination, disorganization, lack of drive and motivation to get moving. Nobody wants to feel like a hot mess and then tell everyone else all about it, we all try to put our best foot forward in order to feel validated. Really, we all can admit it, we care about how we look to others, why else would we try so hard to push an image of the perfect self out to the world... whether that be through social media, church, or at the grocery store down the street. Everyone is fake to a certain extent, we wear our social masks, our designer clothes and talk nicely to others around us, even when we are in a pissy mood. So why work so hard to create such an image, what is our real motive? What is it that we are so scared to let anyone know about ourselves? If you can answer that question, and really be honest with yourself, in every situation you will be amazed at what can happen in your life. So I guess if I must really decide on a resolution for this year, it is to be courageous and brave and shine that light into the dark places within my soul without the fear that my world will surely fall apart. It is my desire to share these things with others, for me, this is the greatest form of empowerment, and enlightenment, call me crazy, you wouldn't be the first one to do so, in fact, I'm counting on it.
