I really try to refrain from seriously calling myself crazy in an effort to stay positive and accepting of my whole self, however even I at times have to admit that sometimes I really could be crazy, the question of my sanity has come up once again. Just today I ran across a book on Numerology (this is kind of a long drawn out story, so you might want to pull up a seat) that I purchased years ago when I was still in school and was in need of a diversion from the mundane, routine, life that is online school. I have always been fascinated by the topic and even though my family and my husband are less than enthusiastic, I have oftentimes shared with them tidbits of knowledge from this book that I am sure they have found to be life altering. In this particular book, it mentions that numbers are very important, and that themes in our life follow a pattern. In our lives themes emerge in patterns of 9, that 9 years ago, I was experiencing the same pattern of numbers in my life and therefore I could look back and get some kind of a "heads up" for what my life will look like this next year. Well... that works really well in theory, that is if you actually remember anything from your life from 9 years ago. This is where the dilemma begins, you see, I really have a hard time remembering what happened last week, let alone stretching my poor little memory banks to remember 9 years ago. Aha! That is where this fabulous idea came to me, I have journals, that I can read and find out if the themes of 9 years ago are repeating themselves. Yay!! Journals are the answer, and yet... here is the real problem, yes this is a multi-faceted doozy of a dilemma. I am not your average journal writing person, that keeps everything orderly by writing in one journal til it is all filled up and then dutifully going to the store to pick up the next journal, until it is filled up etc. I keep my journals in a variety of places, and when I say journals, I mean the plural. I have 9 journals!! 9 journals that I have been writing in for the last 13 years, plus random notebooks from classes I have taken, and seminars I have been a part of and they are clearly not in chronological order!! I journal much like I live my life.. just randomly, based on how I feel, what colors move me, what book feels good in my hand to write in.. oh look at all the pretty colors... oh.. yes that one is nice, I think I will write in that one today. Is this familiar to anyone?? Does anyone else do this? Really please, make me feel better and let me know that you have the same disease. I will feel so much better about myself, knowing that I am really not alone.
So anyway, as I was gathering up said journals, I began thumbing through some of my journal entries, from the past years and I have a very firm understanding now of why many people do not journal, and document the themes of their lives. I rarely journal anything happy, it is usually a moment I am trying to find some clarity to a dilemma or vent out some painful situation or really really feeling some well deserved self pity! Ugh, I read the first couple entries, and burst into tears and threw myself on my bed as I grabbed my tissue box to catch my tears. Wow, has my life really been that devastatingly sad? I really hope that instead, it is just that when I am happy and content and life is going amazingly well, that I choose to just live in the moment and enjoy it rather than relive it as I find the perfect words to describe every feeling and emotion. However, I have to say that I have some very profound entries, and I really do feel compelled to share them. I guess in a way, its my little gift to the world, and in sharing, maybe I can finally put all the sadness to rest and learn to write the good stuff. Maybe in doing so, I will help create more good stuff, and eventually the sad themes of yesteryear will be able to pass on and make room for a new story.
So in the new year of 2013 that is coming up, I am going to be sharing deeply, straight from my multiple journals. I will try to mix it up a bit, and make sure there is lighthearted banter to make up for the seriousness of the topics, but I really feel like its a step in the right direction for my life. It will be a journey, and you might want to stock up on the tissues, just warning you! If its all a bit much, its okay, I know.. I've lived it, and taking a minute to browse Pinterest's randomly simple expressions, in order to regroup, well.. I guess I can accept that. After all, it takes someone very brave and slightly crazy to stay in the brutally honest conversations that have occurred in my life, and its time to pass those conversations onto someone else to learn and grow from. What an adventure! I can't wait to get started... okay now.. ooh the pretty pink one is nice.. I think I will start here.
