46 going on 13

Lori and Jeff sittin in a tree..

K I S S I N G

It only took me 2 weeks to figure out what's been going on with me lately. That's pretty good considering.. it only took me 25 years to realize that heavy petting is considered foreplay.  Now it all makes perfect sense! I've been bouncing back and forth from being 13 to 46 and then back to 13. Its been an absolutely crazy mind blowing couple of weeks, but I'm super glad I'm finally getting some clarity.

What I realize now looking back, is I don't think I'm the only one this has happened to. In fact I think if we could all admit that a shy, awkward, self absorbed, hormonal, boy crazy teenage girl lives inside all of us, we would all be much better off. Admitting your an addict is the first step right?? This only counts for girls, by the way... boys, its well understood that they remain 14 for the duration of their lives! But girls... oh no.. we have to grow up, its a requirement!

Its kinda fun to be THAT girl, to tap into that inner self sometimes... it works particularly nice at slumber parties and Sisters retreats and all night game and ice cream socials, cause that's what we used to live for back in the day! In fact I remember how exciting it all was... YES,  because I've been rediscovering  my sweet teen self... for weeks now.. much to the confusion and amusement of my colleagues, husband, and random cute boys that I've run across in my many travels. 

 Oh my... how to even begin to explain.

So when you are a person like me, and your 13 year old self comes back, it usually means something. She needs something.. My inner teenager is desperately longing for healing, for love, for acceptance, for reassurance... and I know, I'm the only one that can give it to her. Because I have chosen to be present to ANYthing that comes up in my life, without  judgment. I have chosen this, because I want to rise to the next level of living, of sharing, of loving,... and God is SO good to show me what I need to do in order to become my very best self.

For months now I have been learning more and more about who I really am. What is a part of my essence or my core, and what is a defense behavior or a result of uncleared emotional trauma. And one thing I know without a doubt is that I am so full of Love for people! My very best self loves everyone! I have finally been able to trust myself fully with this newly acknowledged gift, and I have finally become brave enough  to give of myself and reach out and its been so awesome! Things have been going along just fine.. and then..

Enter situation one: Its while doing this very thing (expressing myself, reaching out, trusting myself)  that I crossed a line, and asked a married man who I met professionally a very personal question that was easily misconstrued as a come on, even though that wasn't my conscious intent.. or I should say, not my grown up intent. Of course my naive little 13 year old self has a different idea and she jumps in and continues the conversation, while my adult self is grasping to understand what the hell is going on.. and what has possessed me to do such an irresponsible thing?!?!  Of course because I keep nothing from my husband, I shared this text message conversation with him; and he is dumbfounded. He too is wondering what the hell has happened to his reasonable 46 year old wife, but he also knows my history, and he is visibly shaken by what I have just told him. I try to explain to my husband what my true intent was, but the whole situation has triggered him and he is past listening to anything, and I didn't  blame him. I was a bit shocked and dumbfounded myself. What ensues is a very intense conversation between us, and then more questions directed inward in an effort to figure it all out.


Enter Situation two: I meet another man, who is single and considerably younger than me. He comes in to my office and is kind of awkward and nervous and inadvertently throws off this vibe.. that I am instantly attracted to. Of course.. its my 13 yr. old.. who is attracted. Remember back in Jr. high when it was kind of cute when the nerdy shy kid had a crush on you? And secretly you were flattered but you would never tell your girlfriends about it? Who wanted to be known as the girl the "nerd" was in love with? It was that kind of a vibe.. and I was secretly flattered... Well that's all fine and good.. until something goes wrong, you have a particularly bad day, and you really need a friend to talk to.. and the nerdy guy is the only available one.. or more accurately the only one you dare talk to.. when you are so upset. Yes.. you guessed it... I called him, and asked him if he would like to be my friend.... and amazingly.. he was available (insert sarcasm)... so we met up for coffee. And of course I explained that I was not interested in anything else but friendship.. and once again... my husband is shaking his head... when I call to tell him all about it,  but is very happy that I am disclosing it all to him, rather than keeping it a secret.

What the CRAP is wrong with me?? Seriously.. I know some of you who are reading this are shaking your head too. In fact, I would venture to say that some of you are really disgusted, and may never read my blog again. Its okay, really I understand. I was one of those people too, believe it or not. I would just ask you to stop and ask yourself the question before you swear me off and delete me as a friend;  Who do I remind you of? Because what you think of me, is none of my business, and your judgment of me has absolutely nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you. The only difference between us might be that I am openly admitting my behavior, in front of the world and God and everyone else, and you might just choose to admit your faults privately, and that's perfectly OK. The fact is, we are all human, we all make mistakes.

To tell you the honest truth, I have had such crazy emotional highs and lows and periods of complete self hatred and self loathing the last few weeks, and its been difficult to comprehend it all myself. My behavior has brought back waves of emotional shame, despair, and hopelessness, and has had me questioning the direction and intention of my new found autonomy. The fact that I'm writing and sharing this with the world is evidence that I'm sincerely seeking answers and coming to the realization that my healing work is just beginning. Once again, I choose to talk openly about these things, and poke some fun at myself, its really quite therapeutic for me. I know, its kind of warped. I have had the emotional upheaval, and tears, and more tears. Thankfully I have some amazing people in my life to lend support, to hug me, listen to me and love me; without judgment; and for that I am truly grateful.

Oh there have been other behaviors I have demonstrated in the last couple weeks as further evidence as to my emotional regression that are thankfully far less risky, but represent my teen self to a tee. Finding the urge to doodle, and buying a new notebook for my doodles. Talking incessantly to my husband about all the gossipy stuff. Saying "like" and "super" a lot! Swearing, especially saying the F word; that's super fun! Eating junk food, staying up late, breaking out, picking my face, fidgeting whenever I'm next to a cute boy and finding amusement when someone on the freeway "checks me out". All very Jr high ish for sure.

Needless to say, I have had some cleaning up to do, some communications to deliver and have spent much time prying out the foot that I recklessly  lodged in my mouth. I don't like the taste of leather, and cleaning up is so tedious. My 13 year old self never did like cleaning up.

One realization that has come through all of this is that I desperately want real connection in my life. I want to have friends, and its obvious that I don't know how to go about attracting good friends. Girlfriends, not boyfriends! Boys need not apply! I used to say that girls were stupid and that I couldn't be friends with them. I now know where that mentality came from. My husband always says: "of course you could make friends with boys, cause they only want one thing." I can admit it, he is right. So if you are a girl, out in the world, and you need a friend, I would love to apply for the job! Of course you will have to put up with incessant gossiping; late night splurging and an occasional swear word.. or two. Cause we all know, I'm far from perfect. 

Gwen Stefani's song "I'm just a girl" kinda fits where I have been. " I am just a girl in the world, that's all that you'll let me be.."

The moment that I step outside
So many reasons for me to run and hide
I can't do the little things I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things that I fear

 

'Cause I'm just a girl, I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive late at night
Oh, I'm just a girl, guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare with their eyes

 

Oh, I'm just a girl, take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype
Oh, I've had it up to here
Oh, am I making myself clear?

Metro Lyrics



I'm finally ready to choose something else, to put myself out there, and  take another risk. This time, I've got my hammer and nail; I'm putting out the sign.

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