the journal project

I really try to refrain from seriously calling myself crazy in an effort to stay positive and accepting of my whole self, however even I at times have to admit that sometimes I really could be crazy, the question of my sanity has come up once again. Just today I ran across a book on Numerology (this is kind of a long drawn out story, so you might want to pull up a seat) that I purchased years ago when I was still in school and was in need of a diversion from the mundane,  routine, life that is online school. I have always been fascinated by the topic and even though my family and my husband are less than enthusiastic, I have oftentimes shared with them tidbits of knowledge from this book that I am sure they have found to be life altering. In this particular book, it mentions that numbers are very important, and that themes in our life follow a pattern. In our lives themes emerge in patterns of 9, that 9 years ago, I was experiencing the same pattern of numbers in my life and therefore I could look back and get some kind of a "heads up" for what my life will look like this next year. Well... that works really well in theory, that is if you actually remember anything from your life from 9 years ago. This is where the dilemma begins, you see, I really have a hard time remembering what happened last week, let alone stretching my poor little memory banks to remember 9 years ago. Aha! That is where this fabulous idea came to me, I have journals, that I can read and find out if the themes of 9 years ago are repeating themselves. Yay!! Journals are the answer, and yet... here is the real problem, yes this is a multi-faceted doozy of a dilemma. I am not your average journal writing person, that keeps everything orderly by writing in one journal til it is all filled up and then dutifully going to the store to pick up the next journal, until it is filled up etc. I keep my journals in a variety of places, and when I say journals, I mean the plural. I have 9 journals!! 9 journals that I have been writing in for the last 13 years, plus random notebooks from classes I have taken, and seminars I have been a part of and they are clearly not in chronological order!! I journal much like I live my life.. just randomly, based on how I feel, what colors move me, what book feels good in my hand to write in.. oh look at all the pretty colors... oh.. yes that one is nice, I think I will write in that one today. Is this familiar to anyone?? Does anyone else do this? Really please, make me feel better and let me know that you have the same disease. I will feel so much better about myself, knowing that I am really not alone.

So anyway, as I was gathering up said journals, I began thumbing through some of my journal entries, from the past years and I have a very firm understanding now of why many people do not journal, and document the themes of their lives. I rarely journal anything happy, it is usually a moment I am trying to find some clarity to a dilemma or vent out some painful situation or really really feeling some well deserved self pity! Ugh, I read the first couple entries, and burst into tears and threw myself on my bed as I grabbed my tissue box to catch my tears. Wow, has my life really been that devastatingly sad? I really hope that instead, it is just that when I am happy and content and life is going amazingly well, that I choose to just live in the moment and enjoy it rather than relive it as I find the perfect words to describe every feeling and emotion. However, I  have to say that I have some very profound entries, and I really do feel compelled to share them. I guess in a way, its my little gift to the world, and in sharing, maybe I can finally put all the sadness to rest and learn to write the good stuff. Maybe in doing so, I will help create more good stuff, and eventually the sad themes of yesteryear will be able to pass on and make room for a new story.

So in the new year of 2013 that is coming up, I am going to be sharing deeply, straight from my multiple journals. I will try to mix it up a bit, and make sure there is lighthearted banter to make up for the seriousness of the topics, but I really feel like its a step in the right direction for my life. It will be a journey, and you might want to stock up on the tissues, just warning you! If its all a bit much, its okay, I know.. I've lived it, and taking a minute to browse Pinterest's randomly simple expressions, in order to regroup, well.. I guess I can accept that. After all, it takes someone very brave and slightly crazy to stay in the brutally honest conversations that have occurred in my life, and its time to pass those conversations onto someone else to learn and grow from. What an adventure! I can't wait to get started... okay now.. ooh the pretty pink one is nice.. I think I will start here.

Too much to say, and struggling to find the words

I was watching Anna and the King last night with my husband Jeff; having a little date night Netflix fest; and the King said something that really struck us funny and rang so true!  He said "When a woman who has much to say says nothing, the silence can be deafening."  It feels like so much has happened since my last blog, so many mixed emotions, ranging from anger to elation, fear to gratitude, relief to frustration and everything in between and yet I have felt powerless to find the energy, and the words, and the time to express them adequately as I have desired. I have been tempted to throw down a quick post, just to satisfy my need to keep my blog updated, but I just do not feel like I can express myself the way I need to by doing that. And as I have said nothing... life has gone on, unfortunately many things have transpired in our world, and within my own world that have been so heartbreaking. The questions of "why"  have been raised by so many, longing to find comfort and ease the sorrow of our collective hearts and souls. I too have asked that question with regards to events that have transpired in my life. I lost my job in October of this year, and have been doing a lot of thinking and praying and researching to find something that will be a better fit for my skills and closer to my home. A couple of weeks ago Jeff was in an accident and my car was wrecked, although he was safe without injury. My daughter was in a very scary accident last night, and her car was totalled, yet she and her passenger walked away, shaken up and in shock, but otherwise okay and alive. Thank God for that!

The truth is it took the accident with my daughter to realize how really lucky and blessed we have been. I was pissed when my husband got in the accident and wrecked my car! I yelled, I said mean things to him, and didn't feel blessed at all! I felt very put out, and picked on, and angry that he let this happen! I blamed him and then accused him of not caring because he still has a truck to drive and I am stuck in the house with no transportation!

Sometimes it is all about blaming someone, isn't it? Justice has to be done right? Someone has to pay, and pay dearly in order for us to feel better. It didn't take me long to realize that blaming him and being angry and mad while it was a true emotion in the moment and I am committed to feeling all of my feelings, staying in that angry bitter place really wasn't making anything better. I felt bad, I beat myself up and felt guilty for not appreciating him and yelling at him, I felt down and had no energy to be productive in dealing with the situation at hand. And to make matters even worse, its Christmastime and money is tighter than usual and who really wants to feel like celebrating the giving season when you feel so empty and bad.

I think it is safe to say, we all have things that happen to us and around us that shake us up and make us feel sad and angry. We all react sometimes and get caught up in our bad behavior and truly feel justified. What I have realized after many years; is I'm really only hurting myself and those closest to me and blocking any positive energy to move forward in finding a solution. As I have gotten older, I literally have less energy to waste on fretting and getting upset and staying upset.

On the flip side, I used to also skip any expression of my emotions, and hold them all in and then be resentful later on, because my family should have known that I was having a hard time. I would end up blowing up at the first person that just happened to be in my personal space, or disagree with me or I would passively make snotty snide comments that were hurtful, and rude to let people "know" that I was mad. I realize now that my body held onto all of those emotions, and it wreaked havoc on my physical health. There has to be a balance between these extreme ways of handling conflict. What is the answer? Everyone has an opinion, a solution, and those who are in positions of power or political influence oftentimes feel like their answer is "right".  Religious organizations would argue that their way is the right way, and if everyone could just see the "light" then the world would be better.

I believe that we all have ulterior motives and if our focus is on being right, then there is always someone who can prove that our way is wrong. I don't believe it is about that, I believe in a higher purpose than being right. My suggestion for an answer is always love, and compassion and leaning on others around us for support. I truly believe we need to step up as individuals, lay aside our pride and the need to be right, and instead put our focus on believing that there is a way to bridge the gaps, and heal our hearts. We can support each other by really reaching outside of our comfort zones, by being willing to be honest about what is really happening in our hearts. Sharing our feelings, as we feel them, lending a listening ear, seeing others for their potential, rather than judging them strictly for their actions and mistakes. When it comes right down to it, we all are in pain in one way or the other, we all need support from time to time and that is what we are all here for. God uses us to bless the lives of others and to fulfil His purposes, I believe that wholeheartedly. Its time to collectively step into that role and realize we are all in this together for a reason. Let Christmas remind us that Love is the reason for the season, and be generous in the giving.

 

Second Chances...

I am grateful for the second chances that God has given me in my life. When my husband and I were first married and in the immediate years that followed, the things that presented in our lives to manage were so extremely overwhelming, looking back now, I realize it was in part because I failed to put myself first by making sure I was okay physically, emotionally and spiritually that made the circumstances so unbearable.  It became very easy to lay blame, and play victim and shut down my gift of loving others unconditionally, in an effort to save face and prevent myself from getting hurt. I know I was in the wrong in so many ways back in those days, I said things to people, my family, children and step-children in hurtful ways, and failed to honor them and their privacy and their rights as individuals and members of our household.  I stood on my soapbox with something to prove, forcing my hand and manipulating the outcomes to prove my point. It is something to look back and not be able to recognize the person you were.  It is something even more amazing to get to a place after so much pain and abuse, that was given and taken, poor judgments, bad behavior, and self hatred demonstrated with every lie told and drink consumed. What a sad sad place of hopelessness and despair we were in, one that felt like a black hole that covers you slowly until you are suffocating and choking on your own self hatred and pain, clamoring in the dark for answers that can only come from the light.  I grew up in an abusive environment which perpetuated a feeling of internal turmoil, and hopelessness within me, that manifested itself easily when I was out of balance, showing in my behavior as anger and rage and victimhood.  The idea that this behavior was justifiable in the eyes of others and more importantly within my own mind, because of my background is what was so dangerous.  When my rage was directed at someone else, it created toxicity within me and our home that is very difficult to describe. It was a form of toxic waste that was spun and weaved and perpetuated in every relationship within my reach, it touched some people more than others, before turning this negativity inward at myself in the form of self loathing and discontentment. I feel so very blessed to have been awaken to a new reality, and really wish I could take complete credit for this amazing transformation! Time, patience, and a lot of healing love has been poured out upon me and my family. I now know that I am in charge of my feelings, my life is a reflection of my choices to forgive others, and myself, and to love wholeheartedly, without any regrets! I am in such a better place in my life with a new chance to be a part of something bigger than just me. I have 2 wonderful step-kids that I am finally seeing for the first time through thankful eyes, a beautiful grandson who is a miracle to behold. I have a husband who is so amazing and a partnership with him that I used to only dream of having. I have 4 wonderful kids that teach me something new every day!  I can finally look myself in the mirror and take full responsibility for the person looking back, and it is truly awesome!! I truly have been blessed and I thank God every day.

Its everywhere I look...

It would be so much easier if I didn't see it everywhere I look, sometimes I see it even in the mirror as I am putting on my makeup to fit in with the world.  I go to the park or the mall or the grocery store and see emotional pain, so much pain in the faces of so many women and girls. The little girl at the store with her Mom; who was busy working with the salesperson to be approved for a store credit card; who was dressed to the nines in jeans and boots that were stylish and current and in fashion. She looked at me, and I smiled at her, and I wondered if she was OK in her world. I held her gaze, and tried to penetrate her soul with my stare, to let her know, that I know what its like , and that if she needed a friend, I was there. I see things in crowds and notice things no one else pays attention to. The little girl at the party, that cringed when her sister said something embarrassing, and because of that embarrassment could not think of anything else to say when it was her turn to speak. All she could do is stammer something and try to cover up her flushed red cheeks. I see the little girl, who is much too grown up, for her age and I wonder why? What has this world done to this sweet beautiful innocent little girl? Is it because she sees her Mom putting on makeup, tight fitting clothes and high heels and the one thing she is sure of is that someday, she will be just as beautiful as her? Or is it magazines that are strewn around the house carelessly, that showcase airbrushed models in very few clothes flaunting the perfect skin, hair, and body that breaks the innocence down to nothing? I see it in the old, and I see it in the young, no one is immune to the effects of this monster. Lost innocence. Lost childhoods. The world is full of mini grownups, that have no idea what they have missed out on. Where is the frivolity that once existed so long ago? The innocence of a little girl, kicking the dead leaves on the ground, walking alone up a quiet street and singing to herself. Or a little girl swinging on a swing at the playground at a nearby school, twisting around and around in circles and whirling in the wind with her arms held out,  pure joy and elation showing on her face,  faster and faster she goes! No threats, no danger, nobody there lurking in the shadows, just waiting to steal innocence.The image that haunts me more than any other is of one particular little girl, she couldn't have been more than 8 years old with long brown hair that hung down and shielded her eyes from me while she played silently with the toys at the special office. The office that I was at with my little girl, waiting for her to tell her story to the nice detective and lady assistant. It hit me instantly as I watched this little girl, and I wondered what had happened to her, where was her mother, and why did she have to be there? Tears stung my eyes, and I felt such a profound sadness throughout my body, my stomach churned, and my hands were shaking. I couldn't take my eyes off of her and I knew in that moment that all the pain I had felt and fear of intimacy and isolation, that somehow through that little girl, it would all be okay. It was right then that I knew that I would go to war for any child who was a victim. I drew my sword and spear, and stood up in the face of the ugly monster and said NO MORE. I am no longer afraid, or helpless, or unable to speak or move. Nothing about speaking out is nearly as scary as seeing that helpless little girl in that office, and knowing how many more out there are just like her. I was an eight year old little girl once too, a terrified, dirty, unkept,  poor little girl without hope, without innocence, that felt so very alone in such a big scary world. Its for these little girls that I speak out, and for that scared, timid little girl with big brown eyes and long tangled brown hair, that lives inside of me safe and warm, where no one can hurt her anymore.

Its a good day when....

Its a good day when you get to hang out in your jammie's all day and contemplate life and relationships and how incredibly blessed you are for so many truly awesome life changing experiences you have had. I am totally in love with my life, and not  because it is perfect by any other standard than mine and Gods. I have truly awe inspiring conversations with my children and husband that usually involve some bodily function, or some new way to be completely grossed out, on a daily basis. Last night for instance, after my sweet daughter got home from boyfriends house, (see my last post for details) my husband, our awesome kids and I sat on the couch eating dinner which consisted of peanut M&M's Kit Kat minis and a giant bowl of ramen noodles just to add a little nutrition, and we laughed and joked around and talked irreverently about facebook posts from nasty boys, how we would be considered completely inappropriate in society terms, and enjoyed each other immensely! Now many of you may think I'm making this up, that I should have some kind of a response other than pure joy and love from this behavior. Sadly, I really try to shy away from guilting myself about the way we exist in our home.  Our household is really not the model I dreamed of having, or believed I should have for many years. My kids are awesomely individual, and super fun to be with, and amazingly grounded, my husband is the number one initiator of such inappropriate conversations, and I just sit back and laugh, turn red, get embarrassed and try to cover up how completely uncomfortable I am when the conversation turns to anything of a sexual nature. We are pretty open when we are together, and my kids are older, and we all know that we all know what sex is and we are all not going to pretend like its not going on. It really takes some getting used to. I came from a very closed mouthed family when it came to sex, or your body or the pleasure of having a body that does such cool things. You just did not talk about it, unless it was in hushed reverent tones, that made you feel like you were in church or should be in church.  Yet I knew my body was pretty cool at a very early age, and it wasn't cause my Mom explained any of it to me. I found out all on my own. And yet I felt very ashamed of my body and my sexual energy, it was not OK at all to talk about it, feel it, or be with it. My husband on the other hand asked his Mom about everything, no shame involved, and she answered him very honestly and openly. He was very young when he had sex for the first time and he grew up just fine. He has a very healthy sexuality, and is not afraid at all to talk to anyone about it. It is just another part of life. I share this only because it explains alot about how it is I have been able to heal from so much sexual dysfunction experienced as a child and carried into adulthood. But that story is for another day, its time for me to slave away in the kitchen preparing tonight's dinner, maybe snickers bars and red licorice would be nice for a change.

husbands, boyfriends, and sons - whats a couple girls to do?

I woke up at my not normal time of 8:30 am to attend my sons SEOP conference at school this morning, and by 6:25 pm this evening I have already had to have a nap. I have to admit, in a warped kind of way it was nice to feel like I was somewhat productive at such an early hour. And instead of wiping the sleepers out of my eyes and rolling over in my bed at 11:00 am I was coming home to get ready to make some positive soul inspiring changes to my bedroom. I've decided that my little house is far too little to be filled with so much random "stuff". Now mind you, I'm not a hoarder, but I do like to collect stuff and in the spirit of my Mom, I have something in mind for each and every item,. she collected fabric which came of necessity when sewing for 9 children, however by the 9th child, time was scarce and her prized fabric collection just got organized several thousand new ways; became outdated and gathered dust, rather than becoming the gorgeous matching outfits we paraded around in as wee tike's.
So ... I start in this quest to reorganize and dejunk my "stuff" get a good running start, just in time for my daughter Brooke to get up from her after shift sleep. Oh boys are so ridiculous, and girls are so emotional and me and Brooke are each others only sanity at times. Her newest boy "friend" that she secretly loves cause she is so amazing and gives her heart so completely to anyone who is not even remotely deserving of her, has got a case of the "my other girlfriends were all bitches and didn't mind being treated bad so whats your problem?" attitude going on and I'm going to scream! Either that or go pay that boy a visit, and really neither, cause my conscience will not allow me to be so randomly reckless. So instead, I listen to her, try to console her by telling her to just back off a little, focus on herself and try to give him some space to miss her. In the end all I can say that really resonates with me is that boys are dumb, and they just don't get girls at all. Even Jeff my awesome wonderful husband of 8.5 years is dumb and does not get girls, and has to be reminded that us girls are emotional beings that are created for the sole purpose of teaching boys lessons about their feelings and helping them learn to put their feelings to voice, its what we do the very best, and yet according to my 16 yr old son, (the expert) it is because of his and his girlfriends stellar communication skills that they are still together after all these... years.. eh hum months, I mean. Yea you get the picture, bless his heart, he may really be mature enough to handle such an adult like relationship, I'm not saying it couldn't happen, he has had more practice than all of my other kids in the relationship department, since he has had more girlfriends than I have had boyfriends and he is 16. So for all you boys out there, and especially one special boy who will not be named; Girls cry, and girls need LOTS of reassurance and time with our significant other, and attention spent, and face to face time to make sure we (meaning us)  are good. And that does not mean, face to TV time or face to computer screen time, or face to text message time is even remotely acceptable! Give me that remote by the way!.... I need you to pay attention to me! I am not 6 years old, I am a grownup dang it.. and I won't be treated this way!.. ?? Where's my Mommy.... I think its time to go fabric shopping.

Getting Real

Being authentic in this blog is my ultimate goal as is being authentic in real life situations. Its in my whole soul to be nothing but honest, and honestly expressing the way I view something, meaning its honestly how I feel in that very moment. It hurts when your honesty and beliefs are called into question, and I guess in a way it also engages you to really put some thought into what it is that you do believe. Are the questions directed towards you a result of how you are projecting or a result of the insecurities of the person directing the questions at you? In the past I have been guilty of taking others points of view and not challenging that point of view in order to "keep the peace". It is really quite a contrast when I choose to be vocal and express a different viewpoint and that viewpoint is not readily accepted. It is so difficult to stand in that place, that place where you are not appreciated for making the other person think about and be responsible for the things they are bringing to the conversation. I know at times I raise my voice and get heated when I am debating an issue, especially when I am feeling attacked, and I also know that when the conversation goes there, its probably best to let things cool down, cause at that point nothing is going through, either side. I guess my question that I am posing to you all is how can there be an "and" here instead of an "or"? I do not like conflict or how  it makes my insides hurt, but I also have a right to be able to learn and grow and develop as I choose, and not be ridiculed or shamed for it. Even if the way I choose to learn and grow are not accepted by others, it is still my right to choose.

Live like you are dying

The 28th of this month will mark the year anniversary of my Dad's death. It has been hard to learn to live without someone that has been in your life for so long. I cannot say that my heart is any less broken, or that I miss him any less, or that a day goes by that I don't want to call him up just to hear his voice and tell him about my life and my kids and my brand new grandson. I long for him still so much,  it just hurts. It makes my whole body hurt when I think about the loss, and I wonder how one can go about living despite feeling so incredibly empty.

I was reading today about the people who have been given the tainted steroid injections that have caused the deadly Meningitis outbreak and how incredibly difficult that would be to not know if you were one of the ones that were given the tainted vials. In the article I read it explained that those affected could have been injected up to 6 months ago, yet not every one that got the injection will be affected and not all that get sick will die.  because it is a case by case situation depending on the health of the person who was injected, all the people can do is just sit back and wait and monitor their symptoms. How awful! How do you go about living in a situation like that? Just waiting and wondering and feeling every ache and pain and minor headache and knowing that any day now you will be one of the victims that get sick and possibly die.

Just go there for a moment. Put yourself in their shoes. What really matters in light of imminent death? Who do you talk to and spend your time with? Does it really matter if the house is dirty or the laundry is piling up, or the windows need washing? Or your house is decorated and decked out for the upcoming holiday? How about that client at work, you know the one that complains all the time no matter how much time you spend with them. Is it really that important to stay that extra hour or two at work to finish that project? Is it really worth what you miss out on?

My Dad was sick for a long time before he died. He struggled with so many physical issues that could have put him down in bed. The truth is, he suffered alot, and not many of us knew he was suffering. He was a man that loved living, and he chose to stay engaged in life, even though he was in pain and his body was giving up, his spirit never did. He fought through the pain and discomfort to spend his last months with the people he loved the very best, his family, his kids and grand kids and close friends that he served in life. He lived life to the fullest, and in doing so gave us an amazing model of how to live our life, even when our body is ready to give up the fight. Even in the very last fight on this earth, when his body was gone, his spirit fought on, and in doing so, he gave each of us a wonderful gift. I treasure those final moments I spent with my Dad, and recognize that in those last moments he was once again showing us the true nature of his loving and giving spirit, and showing us, one last time what kind of person we can be.

 Live Life to the fullest, Live every day like you are dying.
I love you Dad!

feeling it

This is a poem that I wrote 8 years ago, and it amazes me that the words still apply while facing into the challenges of today. I thought I would share:


 Deep down inside my mind I hold the pain I sometimes can't hide
 my body weak from endless emotion,
 draining me of hope, forgetting all connection

 My heart like branches kissed by winters chill,
 anger creeps in slowly and threatens to kill
 My mind becomes heavy, this burden again too hard to carry.

I begin to sink beneath its load, too many things I am trying to hold
trying to purge through the hurting and pain
burns down my cheeks like acid rain.

From the depths of sorrow and endless torment,
the past comes back, no longer dormant.

Lori Lund
Jan 12 2004

Speaking up

No More

Why do you look at me that way and follow me from room to room?

Don’t you know you are not welcome anymore to touch and tease and to groom?

Don’t raise your voice at me- not here, not now, not ever

I am but a stranger to you – Now that I walk in my grown up clothes

The past is gone, I am no longer a child, and you no longer have any power.

You took advantage as you felt you could, just cause you were bigger and in charge

You pretended to give us things we didn’t have

And somehow that made you believe-

That you had the right to do as you pleased, no matter what we might or might not need.

I know better now, not to trust you, even when your voice says I should

Even when you pretend you are better, while living in your own deceptive world.

You never thought about Now, or when the truth would eventually come out

That would show that you took some ownership, something that I highly doubt.

You are not so clever, so step down off your high horse you fool.

Your time will come soon, where you will have to answer to someone bigger and greater than you.

Try to talk yourself out of that one- and convince HIM of your intent

See if the lies are as easy to say, when your last lifeline is spent.

All I have for you is pity, I barely even have that.

My life is mine despite your pathetic advances

And how you end up is no skin off my back.

Lori Lund

June 6th 2012

What I think about Being a Mom

In honor of Mothers Day, I want to pay tribute to Moms of all kinds. Lets face it there are very few jobs that are as thankless as the job of a Mom.  Being a Mom is something we usually fall into without being at all qualified to do so.  One big reason I think we are so unprepared for motherhood is cause frankly… how exactly do you go about training for something that will take up every last morsel of patience and perseverance you could possibly have? My sister-in-law is due any day with her and my little brothers’ first baby. At her baby shower, we were able to bestow upon her our very best new motherly advice.  I will never forget the best piece of advice I learned from my Mom.  One of the things she used to say to me is that we never gain patience until we really need it, and that just when we think we cannot take anything more, we are always able to muster a little more stamina to hang in there for one more challenge.   I was always so concerned that I needed to “practice” having patience, so that I could handle my kids when they were at the most challenging years, the problem with that theory is that you never know exactly when that most challenging year is going to be.  The other big problem with gauging challenges is that- challenges or at least our perception of them change, as our lives and relationships change. Looking with hindsight its easy for me to say that while I was pregnant with my second son Christian, I was personally the most happy I had been up to that point. I was fulfilled and comfortable and thoroughly engaged in life and learning and growing, and yet I have been known to beat myself up for the way I handled my children when I was a new Mom. I was 21 years old and had two babies’ one newborn and one 15 months old, two little boys who I adored, but who challenged me at every turn.  I decided a long time ago to forgive myself for my shortcomings and focus on being kind to myself as well as loving my kids and enjoying them in every moment. I cannot say it was easy to do, and that guilt and regret hasn’t been a part of my life. Those same 2 little boys are now 24 and 23 years old, I still see them as my boys… I still adore them and brag on them and love them.  As long as I am their Mom, my unconditional love for them will never fade, and every moment I have to spend with them, I absolutely cherish. I now have added a daughter and another son to the bunch, and I can honestly say that with each one there have been challenges that I really thought would break me, that would be the end of me for sure. At those times I go back to that little bit of motherly advice that was given to me, I count down the days before the youngest is 18 and try to figure out how much time we have to “prepare” for the grandkids.

Feeling Disconnected and what I think it means

Sometimes its all you can do to get up and get to work on time.  When people ask you how you are, and you don't really have any emotional connection to the answer.  I have been feeling this way for the last little while, and it can be quite disconcerting, mostly because I don't like being assaulted by my emotions without notice. When I kick myself out of my body and forget to acknowledge my feelings my body has a way of getting me to come back and pay attention! It is my stomach, who is my #1 tattle teller. My stomach lets me know in one way or the other that something is not quite right and I need to pay attention!  Take today for instance, I decide to get up prepare my lunch and get to work mostly on time, and then it all starts to unravel. I realize that I have been holding alot of stuff back, and the most minor thing at work sets my stomach into knots.  The first thing I can think of that I have been holding back my emotion about is that its my little boys birthday coming up on Saturday and we celebrate him every year even though he is no longer with us in this life.  It is always a hard thing, every year, and even the years that things are going well, I still find myself not wanting to feel the pain and hurt again, and just focus on the good and positive. Its not that easy, especially when the pain is so personal and private, I especially don't want to acknowledge it, and feel it openly. It is also the 6 month anniversary of my Dad's passing and my Dr specifically said that the 6 month mark can be hard, so of course knowing this, I just expect it to be, I wait for it to be hard, and then when it is, I am somehow surprised when I am feeling sad.  Someday I want to be able to take the entire month of April off of work and do something every day that is meaningful, and rewarding and clearing.  I know that I can do something right now, even if it is just breathing, and kicking my shoes off and being ok with whatever I can do today, it is good, being present with myself and fully accepting myself with all my quirks and seeing myself as perfectly human.. knowing that where there are sad times, happy times are right around the corner, and even in the happy times, its still okay to feel sad once in awhile, but most of all being okay with whatever is happening now ... is the best feeling of all..

Sometimes all you can be is sad

When people you love go through hard things, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.  When you have been through similar situations in your own life; and you think if you could possibly talk to them, and tell them how you made it out of the rough spot, so they could do it the same way...but that doesn't work, because what worked for me, probably wont work for them, because really when it comes right down to it, we all have our own paths, and we have to maneuver our way through this life, making decisions and mistakes as individuals.  And while we might gain insight, or glean some wisdom from others experiences, or find comfort in a good self help novel or a blog, ultimately we are the ones that decide.  We are the captains of our own ships, and all our loved ones can do from the shore is watch as it is tossed to and fro, and hope and pray that it will make it safely to its destination.  That it wont get overturned and broken up by the turmoil of a violent ocean, or predators that lay low, hiding and waiting. When we see the sign that the sail is up...and the vessel is moving at a good speed, cutting its way through the unknown, .. it is only then that we can take heart and feel at peace and know our loved one is going to be OK and enjoy their journey... it is sincerely my hope that they will...

My mind gets a racing...

When my mind gets racing, it feels like I will never get it to slow down, when that happens I instantly start picking at my face, or skin, or I eat ice or  I bounce my foot.  I'm not sure it really helps, and many times I am not happy about the outcome cause it shows up as self-loathing or insecurity, and then I have sores that have to heal.  It is a cycle, of self hurting that is hard to break.  Sometimes when I am more present in my body, I can start to feel the tension rise up, and choose to not go into the cycle by getting up, moving around, breathing and letting myself physically relax.  By the time I sit back down, the cycle is interrupted at least for a little while.

I have a highly distractable yet creative mind, ADD if you want to name it something, and I do take medication for it daily, however it is not just enough to take my meds, I also need to do some behavioral things that help me work better and focus on what I need to get done.  Many times I am almost driven to distract myself by doing something repetitive like play Solitaire on my phone.  It almost resets my mind and I actually do some real good thinking while I am playing the game.  But I also hide it from people, cause it feels like I would get ridiculed for it. 

I just started a new job and it has been so very challenging cause alot of the operational tasks are not set up- its a fairly new company and we just recently moved into a new office.  I find myself getting extra frustrated cause I did get hired on for what I can do, and I am quite confident I can get there, but I also am kinda scared, cause I know I sometimes take more time to fully grasp things and to learn how to make things work efficiently.  I feel nervous about that, not wanting to fail, or to not live up to the standard that I promised when I was hired.  It is the little voice inside myself that says: "oh you are screwed Lori, you are never going to get this figured out, and you are just proving that your a fraud!"  I really don't like that voice.  I like the voice that is much nicer and supportive, that says: "You will get this, no problem, just give yourself some time, it will be a set routine before you know it!" 

I am also writing this particular post, because on my way home, I had all these things I was so excited to blog about, and when I sat down at the computer after dinner, my mind was completely disorganized and I couldn't pinpoint exactly what I wanted to say!  Yet all the brilliant posts were all there, just hours before!  How incredibly frustrating. 

I am feeling a bit of heartburn tonight too... I'm thinking that the chocolate pie I had is not setting well with the egg salad sandwich I had before that.  I am so not a fan of heartburn, cause now I get to stay up longer, and when I finally go to bed, it will be propped up into an almost sitting position to keep that acid from coming up.  Not my favorite at all.  And even crazier than that... is that the rest of my piece of chocolate pie is sitting here to my right, just literally calling my name, its almost like it is attempting to will the heartburn to happen, its saying... "oh come on, just eat it, its soooo good, its not going to hurt you, that's why you take your heartburn meds.. so you can eat it!" ( I am imagining both my hands tightly over my ears right now!)

I guess I share all these things, cause it is really what has gone on today, and sometimes parts of our day are really not that exciting or inspiring, and yet we have to keep on living our life.  In fact if I would have to put a % on it, I would say a good 75% of what goes on in my life is far from blog worthy.  I'm sure there are many people whose life is a lot more exciting than mine, oh well, I just want to say, thanks for reading and checkin in, I won't promise you tomorrow will be anymore exciting, and I am not going to say it wont be.... after all that is the nature of life, and the way my mind works.... its always an adventure!

Natures Lessons

So I think the older I get the more I turn into a granola, earth wandering hippy!  But I am truly inspired and amazed by the lessons Nature gives us.  I LOVE being outside in nature and would work out of a tree house if I could pull it off.  But that's beside the point... natures lessons, prove in my mind that there is a master plan, and we can either be a part of that master plan or we can get in the way of it.  Now stay with me... go outside in your mind, into the most beautiful place where you feel the sun shining down and touching your skin, you feel the cool breeze and take a deep breath and smell the most amazing aroma of freshly cut grass.....

 Feel the first lesson:  The Sun is the ultimate giver of love and life. All living things need it to grow and fulfil their potential.  It is love, as long as we respect it, and know how to receive its gifts. It kisses your cheeks and helps you feel alive.  Everything pales in comparison to the sun. 

2nd lesson: Overcoming hardships is worthy of a celebration.  It always takes my breath away every spring when the trees start to bloom; they get this concept, just look at them after a hard Winter, they are celebrating and showing off their stuff! And how spectacular that celebration!

3rd lesson: Growth happens best when... you clear out all the dead junk that has been accumulating!  Every year I'm out there busting my butt with the rake, getting out all the dead grass and leaves and sticks... it is alot of work clearing out all the junk ,but I just love the cute little green grass shoots that come up in response to that raking.  Oh and another thing about growth... it happens no matter what, it is natures way, but if we care about the kind of stuff that grows, we have to do some nurturing.  What I have noticed is that dandelions and weeds will grow anywhere, no matter what.  Dandelions are pretty from a distance, but they are a dime a dozen.  They try to hog the spotlight and push out the other more unique stuff that is growing.  I want to grow something truly beautiful and show my uniqueness to the world, not my sameness.

4th lesson: Timing is everything.  The fact is that there is a time and place for everything.  And we don't get to choose the timing, we have to go with it... to get the most out of it.  No matter how hard I want to resist  a growth opportunity, sometimes it is just my time for it. In this Garden of Life... I want to show up in a way that is authentic, and choose to consider struggles as growth opportunities, but I admit... I am human and sometimes get really content just being secure in my little growing place.... when the Master decides to transplant, its scary and you feel like the life is getting sucked right out of you. Getting plucked out of your "home" and made to flourish in a completely different place.  Some plants don't make it through a transplant, they are so shocked at being taken out of their comfort zone that they give up and die.  Other plants are noxious weeds, or plants that do nothing but cause trouble in the Garden of Life.

  I know that ultimately... I want to be good, beautiful plant, one that inspires and brings love to others, and is willing to go where I am needed the most, whether that place is around other beautiful plants, or one that sits alone and only inspires one... I believe it will be the most perfect cause the Master who is far wiser and more creative than I ever could be ... chose it... and therefore it is perfect.

Love is warm and tingly!

Coming home from my body bliss class tonight after breathing correctly, releasing toxins from my body, sharing with the group about the immense Love I felt during our love process and eating the most divine chocolate yummy pie that was made and shared by an amazing woman from our class;  I am feeling  so inspired! 

I was literally driving home feeling the warm tingles and energy move through my body, from my legs into my arms and especially inside my heart.  It was that amazing of a class!  Body Bliss by Suzanne Stauffer who just happens to be my most amazing little Sister is truly a godsend. 

I decided that the most natural way for me to share this immense love I am feeling is to say thanks to God, because I know he is the main dude from where this incredible love flows, and he has blessed my life so incredibly that I just have to share my thanks.  So God, I want to thank you so much for:

...Suzanne: who is truly inspired in her essence and pushes the boundaries so effortlessly and wonderfully, I am so incredibly proud of her and love her so much!
...My sons, Zach, Christian, Nick and my little angel Troy, I have the most handsome boys ever, who have the biggest hearts and are amazing kids. I am honored to be their Mom!
...My daughter, Brooke, who is so beautiful and loving and has a heart of gold!
...this amazing Earth with all its splendor and beauty.  The trees that stand so majestically in all their glory, not being afraid to  show their wear from decades of living.
...the variety of people on this earth, that are so different and interesting and uniquely them.  We always have someone to look to with a different experience, and perspective to glean from.  How amazing is this?  God is so smart!
...My body, my mind, my heart, my soul, my ability to love, my desire for connection, my passion for life and sharing and my incredible will to keep on going.  I am so amazing!
...My house, my car that keeps on chugging, my dogs and my horse and the beautiful flowers that bloom every spring in my yard and remind me of how much I am loved.
...My husband who is my biggest fan and supporter, who absolutely adores every inch of me and is so incredibly intuitive and compassionate. 
... Phillip Phillips, who has a voice that turns me into a giddy 14 yr. old with every song he sings!
... Adele, who's songs and voice speak to my soul so deeply its difficult to even explain.
... Music that rocks my world and moves through my body like a hurricane!
... My Mom, the rock of our family and the most stubborn woman I know!
... My Dad, who loved my Mom and us so much, and gave so much of himself in this life.
... the sun, for bringing warmth to our bodies and filling us up with light from above.
... the moon, for lighting up the night, and giving us an excuse to feel romantic.
... the stars, for shining so bright and giving us reason to look up.
... for my newly acquired job that I  got with Gods help, the opportunity to feel productive and valued and learn new skills that challenge me every day.

For each gift we are given we must be thankful for, and give appreciation for, if we are to make it through the challenges that face us every day- I really truly believe this with my whole heart and soul! Love is all around us, in everything, through everything and beyond this realm into the heavens, we just have to reach out and notice that its there... in doing this, we find true joy.

Honesty is a funny thing

I realized something really amazing today... I am willing to be honest .... to a degree.  I really thought I was getting down to the nitty gritty of what my truth is; and today I was shown how far from that I really am.  Here is what happened:

My son Nick, who is 15 years old decided it would be really fun to take a video of me this afternoon being a total dork.  He named it "My Mom off her Meds", and literally I was being so goofy and silly!  I was watching HGTV and commenting on how I would love to have them come crash my house, but then I was just being random and silly just like a kid who doesn't care about looking like a fool.  So he thought it would be so funny to post this video to facebook for everyone to see.  I was absolutely mortified when I found out he had posted the video, and demanded that he take it off or I would absolutely kill him!  When he showed me the video on his phone, I have never felt so humiliated in my life! All he said was, "what Mom... it got 8 likes so far." 

So as I was working in my yard, I was pondering about what happened and realized that I am so extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. Cause I am silly like that alot in front of my family, the ones I trust the most.  In fact its not unlike me to be goofy on a daily basis, but only in front of my kids and husband. So the part that was so hard to take was first I was still in my jammies and I was  not camera ready by any means.  Even when I am looking my best, I literally have to talk myself into being OK while getting my picture or video taken.  I have never liked being in front of a camera.  I am a photographer for a reason, I do not belong in front of one.  I really thought I was making progress, but clearly I have some trauma about being silly and getting made fun of.  I do remember being teased relentlessly in my childhood. 

If  I was being brutally honest... I would post that video on here and let you all see it, but I am SO not going to do that... which tells me that honesty comes in layers.  I am comfortable telling you all about how I'm silly and telling you what I want you to believe about me, and I will even open up a little and get emotional and express that emotion, but I'm much more comfortable sitting behind my words.  I can talk about my "story" all day long.  But I am not at all comfortable with my "real" self being exposed.  I talked to Nick about it, and he couldn't understand why I would be so embarrassed about it, because he considers me cool and fun and he really has no problem at all showing me in my element. I tried to tell him how horrible I look and sounded in the video, and he said "yea Mom, I know, everyone sounds funny and looks funny in videos that are posted on facebook."

So who am I fooling into believing that I am cool and suave and polished and refined every minute of every day? Why am I so scared of what people think of me?  I really am, that is clear.  I am a total goon sometimes and I look old! I don't feel that old, and I don't really believe I look bad, for my age, but I am very worried that everyone will see right through me. I really want to like what I see in front of me... but honestly... I don't.

So if I'm being completely honest about my blog being completely honest, I need to qualify that by saying that I am being as brutally honest as I can be in this very moment, and my level of honesty is going to be different than someone else's.  It is my hope that I will increase in my level of honesty every day I do this blog, that eventually I will be able to fully accept myself, every part of myself, even my goofiest, ugliest, least refined self...

Random Ramblings

"Sweet Thing!"

• Being "out there" is really scary!
• Wearing dress pants is super fun.
• Irony is all around us.
• 15 yr old teenage boys are so  irreverently hilarious, I wish I could be one for a day!

Being out there is really scary:  I shared with my Body Bliss classmates last night that I was blogging and realized halfway through class that doing so was causing me some serious gastrointestinal stress! The thought that someone might just read my blog and not like it... I can tell myself it doesn't matter, but it really does! Of course I want everyone to like me, and to have someone not like me or think my writing is horrible or just not like what I'm saying, well I guess initially that felt really scary.  Its risky to put yourself out there for others to judge, my stomach was really not prepared for that risk.  Believe me, it rebelled with considerable discomfort all night long! I kept telling my tummy it would be okay, that we would make it through, and after spending about 2 hours in the "facilities" last night, I think my tummy finally believed me.  Whew...!

Wearing dress pants is super fun: Well, yesterday I wore dress pants to my job interview and Suzanne commented last night how cute they were, and I really felt cute in them... I did!  Today I had another job interview and I wore a different pair of dress pants, and I felt so very business like and official, like I was a real business woman! I went to the store after my interview and had so much pride in myself, and walked with my head held high... I'm just sure people walking by thought "wow, she must be a real career person, look at those awesome dress pants, I wished she worked for me.".... when I got home I didn't change my super cute dress pants, I just changed my shirt and took off my very official business jacket and hung it up.  I will have to go buy me some more dress pants, I think they are my new sweatpants. At this very minute I'm cuddled up on the couch typing... wearing you guessed it... my super cute dress pants.

Irony is all around us: Do you ever notice that you always have more time to do projects when you are working full time and fit them in to your schedule; than when you lose your job and have nothing but time on your hands? I just cannot manage to fit those projects in... between stressing about finding a job, and applying and interviewing for jobs... I am just plum out of energy to do much else. 
So yesterday at my first job interview, I was seriously jumping up and down inside during and after, I felt so good about it until I started really thinking about what I communicated as far as what my specific skills are.  The interview today actually went better in retrospect, yet I was much more subdued and direct in what I communicated, and the "high" of the chase just wasn't there today.  I really want a job, and I know if I get either of these jobs I will be so  happy, but I really thought I aced the interview yesterday.... until I got one day of perspective to reflect.  It's really amazing what the filter of perspective does for us.

15 yr old boys are so irreverently hilarious:  Taking my son and his friend to the skate park today my son just starts making random comments like; "wow, have you ever noticed that when you roll your window down, ... it actually goes down into the door?? It doesn't just disappear!" I laughed hard, then his friend hollers out the window at another boy "hey there sweet thing".  I know its probably wrong for me to encourage this unruly behavior, but I couldn't stop laughing. Could you see someone my age doing that?? In that instant... I really wanted to try it out, just to see how it felt. 

One thing for sure that hasn't changed... waiting for something... or someone  is STILL absolutely unnerving, I know I have to wait til at least Monday to find out if I got either position I applied for, and its driving me crazy! I want to know NOW! I guess I'm closer to being a 15 yr old than I initially thought....

What a Rush!

So as soon as I got done with my last post, I got a phone call for a job interview! As soon as I got off the phone I went through a range of emotions first one being Fear! I was sitting on the couch and took one look at my husband and said Yikes!  Fortunately the fear was quickly replaced by excitement and then my mind went racing! The butterflies and tingles went through me like wildfire!

This morning I got another phone call for another interview! After almost 3 weeks of searching daily and sending out resumes without anything, this has been amazing! Hmm I  think that all this is in direct result of my call to the Universe and thanking it for my amazing blessings.  It really makes me wonder about how much better life is for us when we acknowledge what we have and appreciate it. 

So the 1st interview went amazingly well and I feel really good about it! I was able to answer all the questions they had for me in a very direct way and I feel I brought out my strengths well.  I am trying to just focus on that but I have this anxious feeling in my tummy that I'm sure won't go away until I know if I get the job. I am trying my hardest to block the self doubt, it is trying to push its way in... NOoooooo   Caaannnoooott winnnnnn.....   Its just crazy the adrenaline rush!  I felt so great that I decided it was perfectly natural to go take a nap or paint a house or something!

Life is good.

Much about Nothing

What to say when you are completely without any creative options to the dilemma that is at hand??  I have never been out of work not on purpose, and I have never been out of work at the same time my husband is out of work.  I suppose this is the reason for the intense stress I am feeling.  I am sincerely asking the Universe whats up? I really am not all against learning valuable lessons and in fact I am all for learning, but this is ridiculous!  It really sucks that you don't get to choose in what order you learn the vital lessons we are supposed to learn in this life.  Maybe I would just opt out and that's why the Universe is in control? That really could be it, however I would like to think I was up for the challenge and would willingly raise my hand and say..." pick me!... pick me!.... pick me to lose everything monetary that I have ever owned and yes please throw in physical turmoil and emotional instability as well!"

No I really do trust the Universe, I know it will work out in the end, it is just not for me to know how it will work out.  I guess to prove that I am willing to go out on a limb, and keep going even though all hope seems lost. 

In fact, I really think this is a hidden blessing, one that probably shouldn't be so difficult to see.  My husbands job opportunity was out of state and was going to last for over a year.  It would have been a really good opportunity to make some good money, and help get some of our debt gone, but alas.. it was not to be.  In fact it took an act of Nature and the failure to secure certain work permits in order to stop him from going.  Considering that our relationship has been on the mend for the last 6 months, and it has been the #1 goal of mine and his, I guess I owe the Universe a thank you. 

THANKS UNIVERSE!

I hope that is enough, I really need to know what more I need to do, or what more we need to do, or maybe just appreciate that we actually have a marriage now that we didn't 6 months ago, in fact there are many things I can be grateful for at this very moment.  I think a list is in order:

-My health is better than it has been in a long time and I am so much more in tune and happy with my body. This is awesome!
-My husband and I are so good, better than we have been in a really long time.  We talk about real stuff and can bring up stuff that is hard for us, and we are dealing with our insecurities on a daily basis.  This is awesome!
-My 15 yr old is bringing home a report card with a GPA of 3.7.  He has never even come close to a 3.0 his whole high school career! He is doing so great and has an awesome attitude.  I'm so proud of him!
-I am really truly happier than I have been in a very long time, true happiness, happiness that I can be proud of.  I feel awesome about this!
-I have a great life and great kids that are figuring out their stuff, and are good kids and becoming great people in this world, and I am so happy for them!

Overall, I think I have A LOT to be happy about, now lets just hope my bill collectors are as impressed as I am...

What I learned from my Dad

My dad was a wonderful man, he died on October 28th 2011 and its still so hard to believe he is gone.

I learned some great things and some not so great things from him, but it didn't change the fact that I absolutely adored this man!

So for the good things I learned from him: I learned what romance was, watching him with my Mom. He loved to surprise her and show up with her favorite flowers, he got such a kick out of seeing her be so surprised. He was so tender with her and yet he was not a man that was ruled by her, he fought her tooth and nail.

I learned how to work from my Dad, and work hard. He worked for Mt. Fuel for 25 years and gave them his whole heart and soul. He worked as many overtime hours as he could, especially when it was Christmastime, just so he could afford gifts. When my Dad cleared the weeds out of a flower garden, there wasn't a speck of green anything in the dirt, all was left was the plants and flowers. I oftentimes try to weed my flowers like he did, and yet it doesn't compare.

I learned that its never too late to change or to pick up a hobby. He finally gave up alcohol and tobacco by the time I was in High School, yet he tried so many times to stop smoking, my whole life I remember him trying to quit. He was always up for fishing... he finally got to enjoy fishing as much as he wanted when they moved to Gunnison and he was retired for good. He took up golfing in his later years, and actually made a hole in one, on one of his first trips to the golf course. He was an amazing athlete! Just find the Emery Times yearbook and check him out. He was the star athlete in his school.

I just don't think I can do justice to this post! I really am trying to be honest here, it is what my whole goal is for this blog, but I just hate to cry like a little baby and I'm feeling that lump in my throat that tells me I'm on shaky ground. I miss my Dad so much! I don't want to write about him like he's not here anymore, I just want him to be here. Its just not fair! I am full on crying now, great. I hate to cry. I have pictures up in the house of him and my family, and it kills me to think I will never have any more to put up in my house. He was 71 years old, and had 9 kids and 32 or so grand kids. Way too young to die.

Okay so back to the things I learned from him. He loved so deeply, so intensely, and when he felt things, it was almost too much for him to bear. I think that's why he had such a rough and tough exterior, and why his temper flared so much. He was just a big snugly bear deep inside where it counted.

I learned other things from him too: I learned that when life gets too hard you go to your room. He was a classic anti social and struggled so much with his own demons that the only place he wanted to be was alone. When I am upset, I go to my room and usually sleep, I'm not sure that's the best, but I guess its not too late to change.

I learned from my Dad to not take care of myself- in regards to food and health. He would starve while he waited for someone to bring him his dinner. He was never self reliant in that way, it was so strange to think back that this big strong man was helpless. He would wait for my Mom or one of us to bring him his dinner, and if we didn't make dinner or didn't take it to him, he stayed in his room and went hungry. I will go all day and not eat, and its not until the day is half over that I realize I haven't eaten all day. I hate trying to figure out what to eat, it is such a burden! My Dad never went to the Dr. and in the end it was his distrust for the medical profession that was a factor in his death. He would rather die and save the money he would have spent on health care, than get the care he needed to live and be destitute. He believed he would die young, and he didn't want my Mom to have to be broke. He loved her so much. The last few months I have really been focusing on my own health because of my Dads death.... I guess that in doing so, I have realized that I want to live, but I want to live disease free. I believe it can be done, but its really scary for me to believe I can. I have learned that my body communicates with me, and I need to trust it. Part of why I am blogging is because I need to speak out for my own health. Its kind of complicated, but I will get to it... in another post.

I guess in a way I'm mad at my Dad for leaving me, I'm mad at him for not caring for himself better. But I know I am mad at him, because of my intense emotional longing for him. I miss him desperately, and there is no amount of blaming that will bring him back. I'm mad, cause I wasn't ready to lose him, I still need him and that's all that matters to me.

God bless you Dad, until we meet again....

Am I Crazy?

these are the reasons I could possibly be crazy

• I am always cold, yet I insist on eating ice
• I have the sense of smell of a coyote and we are not even related
• I sort stuff when I'm stressed out

I am of the mindset that anytime you add ice to your drink of choice, it automatically turns into a treat, like a slushy or something. but it has to be the right kind of ice, I'm very partial to my own ice that comes out of my freezer; and it has to be crushed, not cubed. In fact when I was working, I would take a huge container of crushed ice from my freezer to work and keep it in the fridge there, so I could have it in my water (or drink of choice) every day. It is kind of a security for me. However, I am always cold, and like blankets on my if I'm sitting for a long period of time. call me crazy.

my sense of smell drives me and my family crazy- I'm sitting in the side chair at this very minute, not on the couch because the couch is putting off this kind of pungent smell, like really stinky socks or someones sweaty armpits or a combination of both. My husband is kinda crude when he says that I can smell a fart before it comes out of someones colon, but its true! As far as super powers I could have thought of some others that would have been nicer to have. My son would rather me have some other power too. He is 15 and every time he sits down, I smell his feet, his socks even when he claims they are clean. My husband has this pair of shoes, that every time he sits down and I am within 3 feet of them, I can smell them, its not dirty sock smell, its like wearing your shoes out in the rain and having them get soaked through... then its after they dry.. smell. Its only this one pair of shoes, too... maybe I should burn them, or throw them to the dogs.

My son got home the other day from school, and I realized I might be crazy when I was so excited to show him what I had been doing all day- sorting a huge bag of buttons. I was so excited cause I had this epiphany that I could sell my button collection and make enough money to help support us. Its this bag of buttons I have had since my crafting days back when my daughter was 18 months old. (she is 19 now). I had them all divided out, then sorted into coordinating colors that matched, took pictures of the groups and put them on ksl.com to sell. I thought it was an ingenious idea! It wasn't until the buttons didn't sell, and I was back in the same room sorting another bag of stuff (screws, nails, and washers etc) that I wondered if there was something seriously wrong with me. I think things should have there own place to call home, even if the location of said home is only a place that I know about. that's not crazy now... is it?

Why am I blogging?

• the universe told me to speak up , so here I am
• my husband (bless his heart) can only listen for so long before he gets totally freaked out!
• everyone is doing it (or at least thats what I was told)

So here I go, answering the call and taking up time that I should be spending doing something else that is much more productive. (like finding a job) The guilt is killing me can you tell?? Or is the 4 pack of Twix bars, extra large Monster Rehab and the Salted nut roll that are talking? It was probably that and the goings on this morning that inspired this choice, or at least the decision to actually go through with it. (Of course I've been thinking about blogging for sometime now, who wouldn't its so easy and fun and therapeutic)

back to the universe> not that I am more worthy of being heard than anyone else, this is simply not true. it is true that my story is somewhat unique and interesting and full of juicy tidbits to keep anyone enticed. It might as well be on a blog, my story, better than being stuck inside my head, or being thrown at my husband like he's supposed to get me.

my husband> yes, he is a gem, and I love him, we have been married for almost 8 years, dear lord is that all??? It feels so wrong that it should only be 8 years, we have been through so much more than 8 years worth. Anyway, he is the classic couch potato, watching TV oh I would say easy 8 hours a day. (He is laid off his job and has been since Dec 22 2011, or somewhere around there). Way more time facing himself than any man should think he could deal with. He is losing it.

everyone is doing it> frankly I don't really care about what the masses are doing. Its just really not that important to me. I'm just more into real and honest. at least that is what I tell myself. and it is extremely difficult for me to be in a relationship that matters to me and not tell the honest truth. I really despise those people who are fake and really only care about the way they appear to others. I guess really I should cut them a break, I have read that when you have a problem with someone else its because that personality trait you see in them reminds you of something inside of you that you are not OK with. I'm sure this is true, but I would prefer to not be so conscious to that, cause frankly I have issues with some people, and that is what is honest for me. And ... well .. this is my blog afterall.