Second Chances...

I am grateful for the second chances that God has given me in my life. When my husband and I were first married and in the immediate years that followed, the things that presented in our lives to manage were so extremely overwhelming, looking back now, I realize it was in part because I failed to put myself first by making sure I was okay physically, emotionally and spiritually that made the circumstances so unbearable.  It became very easy to lay blame, and play victim and shut down my gift of loving others unconditionally, in an effort to save face and prevent myself from getting hurt. I know I was in the wrong in so many ways back in those days, I said things to people, my family, children and step-children in hurtful ways, and failed to honor them and their privacy and their rights as individuals and members of our household.  I stood on my soapbox with something to prove, forcing my hand and manipulating the outcomes to prove my point. It is something to look back and not be able to recognize the person you were.  It is something even more amazing to get to a place after so much pain and abuse, that was given and taken, poor judgments, bad behavior, and self hatred demonstrated with every lie told and drink consumed. What a sad sad place of hopelessness and despair we were in, one that felt like a black hole that covers you slowly until you are suffocating and choking on your own self hatred and pain, clamoring in the dark for answers that can only come from the light.  I grew up in an abusive environment which perpetuated a feeling of internal turmoil, and hopelessness within me, that manifested itself easily when I was out of balance, showing in my behavior as anger and rage and victimhood.  The idea that this behavior was justifiable in the eyes of others and more importantly within my own mind, because of my background is what was so dangerous.  When my rage was directed at someone else, it created toxicity within me and our home that is very difficult to describe. It was a form of toxic waste that was spun and weaved and perpetuated in every relationship within my reach, it touched some people more than others, before turning this negativity inward at myself in the form of self loathing and discontentment. I feel so very blessed to have been awaken to a new reality, and really wish I could take complete credit for this amazing transformation! Time, patience, and a lot of healing love has been poured out upon me and my family. I now know that I am in charge of my feelings, my life is a reflection of my choices to forgive others, and myself, and to love wholeheartedly, without any regrets! I am in such a better place in my life with a new chance to be a part of something bigger than just me. I have 2 wonderful step-kids that I am finally seeing for the first time through thankful eyes, a beautiful grandson who is a miracle to behold. I have a husband who is so amazing and a partnership with him that I used to only dream of having. I have 4 wonderful kids that teach me something new every day!  I can finally look myself in the mirror and take full responsibility for the person looking back, and it is truly awesome!! I truly have been blessed and I thank God every day.

Its everywhere I look...

It would be so much easier if I didn't see it everywhere I look, sometimes I see it even in the mirror as I am putting on my makeup to fit in with the world.  I go to the park or the mall or the grocery store and see emotional pain, so much pain in the faces of so many women and girls. The little girl at the store with her Mom; who was busy working with the salesperson to be approved for a store credit card; who was dressed to the nines in jeans and boots that were stylish and current and in fashion. She looked at me, and I smiled at her, and I wondered if she was OK in her world. I held her gaze, and tried to penetrate her soul with my stare, to let her know, that I know what its like , and that if she needed a friend, I was there. I see things in crowds and notice things no one else pays attention to. The little girl at the party, that cringed when her sister said something embarrassing, and because of that embarrassment could not think of anything else to say when it was her turn to speak. All she could do is stammer something and try to cover up her flushed red cheeks. I see the little girl, who is much too grown up, for her age and I wonder why? What has this world done to this sweet beautiful innocent little girl? Is it because she sees her Mom putting on makeup, tight fitting clothes and high heels and the one thing she is sure of is that someday, she will be just as beautiful as her? Or is it magazines that are strewn around the house carelessly, that showcase airbrushed models in very few clothes flaunting the perfect skin, hair, and body that breaks the innocence down to nothing? I see it in the old, and I see it in the young, no one is immune to the effects of this monster. Lost innocence. Lost childhoods. The world is full of mini grownups, that have no idea what they have missed out on. Where is the frivolity that once existed so long ago? The innocence of a little girl, kicking the dead leaves on the ground, walking alone up a quiet street and singing to herself. Or a little girl swinging on a swing at the playground at a nearby school, twisting around and around in circles and whirling in the wind with her arms held out,  pure joy and elation showing on her face,  faster and faster she goes! No threats, no danger, nobody there lurking in the shadows, just waiting to steal innocence.The image that haunts me more than any other is of one particular little girl, she couldn't have been more than 8 years old with long brown hair that hung down and shielded her eyes from me while she played silently with the toys at the special office. The office that I was at with my little girl, waiting for her to tell her story to the nice detective and lady assistant. It hit me instantly as I watched this little girl, and I wondered what had happened to her, where was her mother, and why did she have to be there? Tears stung my eyes, and I felt such a profound sadness throughout my body, my stomach churned, and my hands were shaking. I couldn't take my eyes off of her and I knew in that moment that all the pain I had felt and fear of intimacy and isolation, that somehow through that little girl, it would all be okay. It was right then that I knew that I would go to war for any child who was a victim. I drew my sword and spear, and stood up in the face of the ugly monster and said NO MORE. I am no longer afraid, or helpless, or unable to speak or move. Nothing about speaking out is nearly as scary as seeing that helpless little girl in that office, and knowing how many more out there are just like her. I was an eight year old little girl once too, a terrified, dirty, unkept,  poor little girl without hope, without innocence, that felt so very alone in such a big scary world. Its for these little girls that I speak out, and for that scared, timid little girl with big brown eyes and long tangled brown hair, that lives inside of me safe and warm, where no one can hurt her anymore.

Its a good day when....

Its a good day when you get to hang out in your jammie's all day and contemplate life and relationships and how incredibly blessed you are for so many truly awesome life changing experiences you have had. I am totally in love with my life, and not  because it is perfect by any other standard than mine and Gods. I have truly awe inspiring conversations with my children and husband that usually involve some bodily function, or some new way to be completely grossed out, on a daily basis. Last night for instance, after my sweet daughter got home from boyfriends house, (see my last post for details) my husband, our awesome kids and I sat on the couch eating dinner which consisted of peanut M&M's Kit Kat minis and a giant bowl of ramen noodles just to add a little nutrition, and we laughed and joked around and talked irreverently about facebook posts from nasty boys, how we would be considered completely inappropriate in society terms, and enjoyed each other immensely! Now many of you may think I'm making this up, that I should have some kind of a response other than pure joy and love from this behavior. Sadly, I really try to shy away from guilting myself about the way we exist in our home.  Our household is really not the model I dreamed of having, or believed I should have for many years. My kids are awesomely individual, and super fun to be with, and amazingly grounded, my husband is the number one initiator of such inappropriate conversations, and I just sit back and laugh, turn red, get embarrassed and try to cover up how completely uncomfortable I am when the conversation turns to anything of a sexual nature. We are pretty open when we are together, and my kids are older, and we all know that we all know what sex is and we are all not going to pretend like its not going on. It really takes some getting used to. I came from a very closed mouthed family when it came to sex, or your body or the pleasure of having a body that does such cool things. You just did not talk about it, unless it was in hushed reverent tones, that made you feel like you were in church or should be in church.  Yet I knew my body was pretty cool at a very early age, and it wasn't cause my Mom explained any of it to me. I found out all on my own. And yet I felt very ashamed of my body and my sexual energy, it was not OK at all to talk about it, feel it, or be with it. My husband on the other hand asked his Mom about everything, no shame involved, and she answered him very honestly and openly. He was very young when he had sex for the first time and he grew up just fine. He has a very healthy sexuality, and is not afraid at all to talk to anyone about it. It is just another part of life. I share this only because it explains alot about how it is I have been able to heal from so much sexual dysfunction experienced as a child and carried into adulthood. But that story is for another day, its time for me to slave away in the kitchen preparing tonight's dinner, maybe snickers bars and red licorice would be nice for a change.

husbands, boyfriends, and sons - whats a couple girls to do?

I woke up at my not normal time of 8:30 am to attend my sons SEOP conference at school this morning, and by 6:25 pm this evening I have already had to have a nap. I have to admit, in a warped kind of way it was nice to feel like I was somewhat productive at such an early hour. And instead of wiping the sleepers out of my eyes and rolling over in my bed at 11:00 am I was coming home to get ready to make some positive soul inspiring changes to my bedroom. I've decided that my little house is far too little to be filled with so much random "stuff". Now mind you, I'm not a hoarder, but I do like to collect stuff and in the spirit of my Mom, I have something in mind for each and every item,. she collected fabric which came of necessity when sewing for 9 children, however by the 9th child, time was scarce and her prized fabric collection just got organized several thousand new ways; became outdated and gathered dust, rather than becoming the gorgeous matching outfits we paraded around in as wee tike's.
So ... I start in this quest to reorganize and dejunk my "stuff" get a good running start, just in time for my daughter Brooke to get up from her after shift sleep. Oh boys are so ridiculous, and girls are so emotional and me and Brooke are each others only sanity at times. Her newest boy "friend" that she secretly loves cause she is so amazing and gives her heart so completely to anyone who is not even remotely deserving of her, has got a case of the "my other girlfriends were all bitches and didn't mind being treated bad so whats your problem?" attitude going on and I'm going to scream! Either that or go pay that boy a visit, and really neither, cause my conscience will not allow me to be so randomly reckless. So instead, I listen to her, try to console her by telling her to just back off a little, focus on herself and try to give him some space to miss her. In the end all I can say that really resonates with me is that boys are dumb, and they just don't get girls at all. Even Jeff my awesome wonderful husband of 8.5 years is dumb and does not get girls, and has to be reminded that us girls are emotional beings that are created for the sole purpose of teaching boys lessons about their feelings and helping them learn to put their feelings to voice, its what we do the very best, and yet according to my 16 yr old son, (the expert) it is because of his and his girlfriends stellar communication skills that they are still together after all these... years.. eh hum months, I mean. Yea you get the picture, bless his heart, he may really be mature enough to handle such an adult like relationship, I'm not saying it couldn't happen, he has had more practice than all of my other kids in the relationship department, since he has had more girlfriends than I have had boyfriends and he is 16. So for all you boys out there, and especially one special boy who will not be named; Girls cry, and girls need LOTS of reassurance and time with our significant other, and attention spent, and face to face time to make sure we (meaning us)  are good. And that does not mean, face to TV time or face to computer screen time, or face to text message time is even remotely acceptable! Give me that remote by the way!.... I need you to pay attention to me! I am not 6 years old, I am a grownup dang it.. and I won't be treated this way!.. ?? Where's my Mommy.... I think its time to go fabric shopping.

Getting Real

Being authentic in this blog is my ultimate goal as is being authentic in real life situations. Its in my whole soul to be nothing but honest, and honestly expressing the way I view something, meaning its honestly how I feel in that very moment. It hurts when your honesty and beliefs are called into question, and I guess in a way it also engages you to really put some thought into what it is that you do believe. Are the questions directed towards you a result of how you are projecting or a result of the insecurities of the person directing the questions at you? In the past I have been guilty of taking others points of view and not challenging that point of view in order to "keep the peace". It is really quite a contrast when I choose to be vocal and express a different viewpoint and that viewpoint is not readily accepted. It is so difficult to stand in that place, that place where you are not appreciated for making the other person think about and be responsible for the things they are bringing to the conversation. I know at times I raise my voice and get heated when I am debating an issue, especially when I am feeling attacked, and I also know that when the conversation goes there, its probably best to let things cool down, cause at that point nothing is going through, either side. I guess my question that I am posing to you all is how can there be an "and" here instead of an "or"? I do not like conflict or how  it makes my insides hurt, but I also have a right to be able to learn and grow and develop as I choose, and not be ridiculed or shamed for it. Even if the way I choose to learn and grow are not accepted by others, it is still my right to choose.