words are all I have

Words and actions are all we have. When our words are said in anger it doesn't matter what actions follow, or how many apologies are said, the pain is searing, and wants to purge us to the very soul. We are compelled to question the validity of the intention, and our whole being begs for mercy from the pain and longing for it to stop, supersedes anything else. a few excerpts from my journal that seem fitting for what I am feeling today. A moment of brutal honesty, because it seems appropriate to share, and really; there isn't much more that could be said, that  would hurt anymore than what has already been said.

July 8, 2013

I should've known it wouldn't be this easy, that my worst deeds would come back at me; thrown as daggers of hatred. Why now do I expect anything different? I am less than slime, and not worth my apologies. They are just words after all. How easy just to throw words at someone and watch while they shrink back in painful seclusion. Oh yes, it was effective, it did the trick, target is down.

Jan, 2009

New Beginnings

Starting again, finding the strength, pulling yourself up from the dirt
Numbing yourself, laughing it off, pretending that it doesn't hurt

An emotional journey in a slow moving buggy; where jagged rocks and bumps send you tumbling
Life blows on by, and nobody cares that the hole in your soul needs mending

Get out the needle and find the thread, you will have to be a quick study,
Look up on a mountain or down in a valley; look deep inside, but don't look for pity.

You'll find the way to bring it together, your heart is good and your soul divine
just keep striving with passion and purpose and happiness you'll surely find.

Jan 6, 2009

The bread in my hand as the words were spoken, pleading to God; all eyes are down. The texture is rough symbolizing the brokenness, I hold on and feel. "My Lord my God why have you forsaken me?" The image is there in my mind, the torture imprinted on my soul. Oh the pain I have caused! How can He love me? How could He do this for me? Am I really worth it? The cup, smooth and crystal clear, touching the wine to my lips. "Oh God, must I partake of this bitter cup? Or wilt thou allow it to pass? The crimson stained stone left behind, the plight of the Holy still stands. To die is to live; with death brings new life. The cycle is clear, am I ready to die?
You say to ask and it shall be given, but do you ever tire of the questions? I need to have faith and trust you Lord, the two things that are the most difficult for me to do. Is that what you mean by becoming as a little child?

 

Sometime the struggle that lies directly ahead, hides the fantastic view from above. In these moments; all we can really do is have hope.