Feeling Disconnected and what I think it means

Sometimes its all you can do to get up and get to work on time.  When people ask you how you are, and you don't really have any emotional connection to the answer.  I have been feeling this way for the last little while, and it can be quite disconcerting, mostly because I don't like being assaulted by my emotions without notice. When I kick myself out of my body and forget to acknowledge my feelings my body has a way of getting me to come back and pay attention! It is my stomach, who is my #1 tattle teller. My stomach lets me know in one way or the other that something is not quite right and I need to pay attention!  Take today for instance, I decide to get up prepare my lunch and get to work mostly on time, and then it all starts to unravel. I realize that I have been holding alot of stuff back, and the most minor thing at work sets my stomach into knots.  The first thing I can think of that I have been holding back my emotion about is that its my little boys birthday coming up on Saturday and we celebrate him every year even though he is no longer with us in this life.  It is always a hard thing, every year, and even the years that things are going well, I still find myself not wanting to feel the pain and hurt again, and just focus on the good and positive. Its not that easy, especially when the pain is so personal and private, I especially don't want to acknowledge it, and feel it openly. It is also the 6 month anniversary of my Dad's passing and my Dr specifically said that the 6 month mark can be hard, so of course knowing this, I just expect it to be, I wait for it to be hard, and then when it is, I am somehow surprised when I am feeling sad.  Someday I want to be able to take the entire month of April off of work and do something every day that is meaningful, and rewarding and clearing.  I know that I can do something right now, even if it is just breathing, and kicking my shoes off and being ok with whatever I can do today, it is good, being present with myself and fully accepting myself with all my quirks and seeing myself as perfectly human.. knowing that where there are sad times, happy times are right around the corner, and even in the happy times, its still okay to feel sad once in awhile, but most of all being okay with whatever is happening now ... is the best feeling of all..

Sometimes all you can be is sad

When people you love go through hard things, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.  When you have been through similar situations in your own life; and you think if you could possibly talk to them, and tell them how you made it out of the rough spot, so they could do it the same way...but that doesn't work, because what worked for me, probably wont work for them, because really when it comes right down to it, we all have our own paths, and we have to maneuver our way through this life, making decisions and mistakes as individuals.  And while we might gain insight, or glean some wisdom from others experiences, or find comfort in a good self help novel or a blog, ultimately we are the ones that decide.  We are the captains of our own ships, and all our loved ones can do from the shore is watch as it is tossed to and fro, and hope and pray that it will make it safely to its destination.  That it wont get overturned and broken up by the turmoil of a violent ocean, or predators that lay low, hiding and waiting. When we see the sign that the sail is up...and the vessel is moving at a good speed, cutting its way through the unknown, .. it is only then that we can take heart and feel at peace and know our loved one is going to be OK and enjoy their journey... it is sincerely my hope that they will...

My mind gets a racing...

When my mind gets racing, it feels like I will never get it to slow down, when that happens I instantly start picking at my face, or skin, or I eat ice or  I bounce my foot.  I'm not sure it really helps, and many times I am not happy about the outcome cause it shows up as self-loathing or insecurity, and then I have sores that have to heal.  It is a cycle, of self hurting that is hard to break.  Sometimes when I am more present in my body, I can start to feel the tension rise up, and choose to not go into the cycle by getting up, moving around, breathing and letting myself physically relax.  By the time I sit back down, the cycle is interrupted at least for a little while.

I have a highly distractable yet creative mind, ADD if you want to name it something, and I do take medication for it daily, however it is not just enough to take my meds, I also need to do some behavioral things that help me work better and focus on what I need to get done.  Many times I am almost driven to distract myself by doing something repetitive like play Solitaire on my phone.  It almost resets my mind and I actually do some real good thinking while I am playing the game.  But I also hide it from people, cause it feels like I would get ridiculed for it. 

I just started a new job and it has been so very challenging cause alot of the operational tasks are not set up- its a fairly new company and we just recently moved into a new office.  I find myself getting extra frustrated cause I did get hired on for what I can do, and I am quite confident I can get there, but I also am kinda scared, cause I know I sometimes take more time to fully grasp things and to learn how to make things work efficiently.  I feel nervous about that, not wanting to fail, or to not live up to the standard that I promised when I was hired.  It is the little voice inside myself that says: "oh you are screwed Lori, you are never going to get this figured out, and you are just proving that your a fraud!"  I really don't like that voice.  I like the voice that is much nicer and supportive, that says: "You will get this, no problem, just give yourself some time, it will be a set routine before you know it!" 

I am also writing this particular post, because on my way home, I had all these things I was so excited to blog about, and when I sat down at the computer after dinner, my mind was completely disorganized and I couldn't pinpoint exactly what I wanted to say!  Yet all the brilliant posts were all there, just hours before!  How incredibly frustrating. 

I am feeling a bit of heartburn tonight too... I'm thinking that the chocolate pie I had is not setting well with the egg salad sandwich I had before that.  I am so not a fan of heartburn, cause now I get to stay up longer, and when I finally go to bed, it will be propped up into an almost sitting position to keep that acid from coming up.  Not my favorite at all.  And even crazier than that... is that the rest of my piece of chocolate pie is sitting here to my right, just literally calling my name, its almost like it is attempting to will the heartburn to happen, its saying... "oh come on, just eat it, its soooo good, its not going to hurt you, that's why you take your heartburn meds.. so you can eat it!" ( I am imagining both my hands tightly over my ears right now!)

I guess I share all these things, cause it is really what has gone on today, and sometimes parts of our day are really not that exciting or inspiring, and yet we have to keep on living our life.  In fact if I would have to put a % on it, I would say a good 75% of what goes on in my life is far from blog worthy.  I'm sure there are many people whose life is a lot more exciting than mine, oh well, I just want to say, thanks for reading and checkin in, I won't promise you tomorrow will be anymore exciting, and I am not going to say it wont be.... after all that is the nature of life, and the way my mind works.... its always an adventure!

Natures Lessons

So I think the older I get the more I turn into a granola, earth wandering hippy!  But I am truly inspired and amazed by the lessons Nature gives us.  I LOVE being outside in nature and would work out of a tree house if I could pull it off.  But that's beside the point... natures lessons, prove in my mind that there is a master plan, and we can either be a part of that master plan or we can get in the way of it.  Now stay with me... go outside in your mind, into the most beautiful place where you feel the sun shining down and touching your skin, you feel the cool breeze and take a deep breath and smell the most amazing aroma of freshly cut grass.....

 Feel the first lesson:  The Sun is the ultimate giver of love and life. All living things need it to grow and fulfil their potential.  It is love, as long as we respect it, and know how to receive its gifts. It kisses your cheeks and helps you feel alive.  Everything pales in comparison to the sun. 

2nd lesson: Overcoming hardships is worthy of a celebration.  It always takes my breath away every spring when the trees start to bloom; they get this concept, just look at them after a hard Winter, they are celebrating and showing off their stuff! And how spectacular that celebration!

3rd lesson: Growth happens best when... you clear out all the dead junk that has been accumulating!  Every year I'm out there busting my butt with the rake, getting out all the dead grass and leaves and sticks... it is alot of work clearing out all the junk ,but I just love the cute little green grass shoots that come up in response to that raking.  Oh and another thing about growth... it happens no matter what, it is natures way, but if we care about the kind of stuff that grows, we have to do some nurturing.  What I have noticed is that dandelions and weeds will grow anywhere, no matter what.  Dandelions are pretty from a distance, but they are a dime a dozen.  They try to hog the spotlight and push out the other more unique stuff that is growing.  I want to grow something truly beautiful and show my uniqueness to the world, not my sameness.

4th lesson: Timing is everything.  The fact is that there is a time and place for everything.  And we don't get to choose the timing, we have to go with it... to get the most out of it.  No matter how hard I want to resist  a growth opportunity, sometimes it is just my time for it. In this Garden of Life... I want to show up in a way that is authentic, and choose to consider struggles as growth opportunities, but I admit... I am human and sometimes get really content just being secure in my little growing place.... when the Master decides to transplant, its scary and you feel like the life is getting sucked right out of you. Getting plucked out of your "home" and made to flourish in a completely different place.  Some plants don't make it through a transplant, they are so shocked at being taken out of their comfort zone that they give up and die.  Other plants are noxious weeds, or plants that do nothing but cause trouble in the Garden of Life.

  I know that ultimately... I want to be good, beautiful plant, one that inspires and brings love to others, and is willing to go where I am needed the most, whether that place is around other beautiful plants, or one that sits alone and only inspires one... I believe it will be the most perfect cause the Master who is far wiser and more creative than I ever could be ... chose it... and therefore it is perfect.